Demitri Martin

Demitri Martin


The last two days, I covered dry humor on television and also in film.  Today, I salute one of my favorite stand-up comedians of dry humor: Demitri Martin.

Demitri delivers almost his entire routines without laughing, while the audience is rolling over so.  (Of course, they're probably a little drunk, too.  More things are funny when you're drunk.)  He tells stories, plays instruments, sings songs, and even draws posters.  Here are a couple of examples to get you by until you can look him up on youtube for yourself.  Enjoy!

Stranger Than Fiction

Stranger Than Fiction


I decided to cap the year with some of my favorite examples of dry humor.  So to continue from yesterday, I'd like to present the film: Stranger Than Fiction:

You might be thinking, "Will Farrell?  Really? Are you kidding?"  Don't worry.  This is, without a doubt, my favorite role he has ever acted.  When you take a comedian and put him/her in a serious role, it is almost guaranteed to be dry humor.  (I don't have a good explanation as to why, it just happens.)  Well, Will Farrell is great as Harold Crick in Stranger Than Fiction.  He is the painfully inept soul of an IRS auditor.  It is masterfully dry humor.  I highly recommend this film.

The following is an expert from a dialogue between Will Farrell (the IRS auditor) and Maggie Gyllenhaal (the small business owner).  It still makes me laugh:

Harold Crick:   It says, in the file, that you only paid for part of your taxes for last year.

Ana Pascal:      That’s right.

Harold Crick:   Looks like only 78 percent.

Ana Pascal:      Yep.

Harold Crick:   So you did it on purpose?

Ana Pascal:      Yep.

Harold Crick:   So you must’ve been expecting an audit.

Ana Pascal:      Um, I was expecting a fine, or a sharp reprimand.

Harold Crick:   A reprimand?  This isn’t boarding school, Miss Pascal.  You stole from the government.

(Harold pesters Ana more here, but I’m trying to keep the post within reasonable length.)

Ana Pascal:      Listen, I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes and erecting swing sets and building shelters. I am *more* than happy to pay those taxes. I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage that the government uses for national defense, corporate bailouts, and campaign discretionary funds. So, I didn't pay those taxes. I think I sent a letter to that effect with my return. 

Harold Crick:   Would it be the letter that beings "Dear Imperialist Swine"? 

                        If this isn't funny just from reading it, then you might try watching the movie (after all, if you recall from yesterday, dry humor is all in the delivery).  

                        There is another scene (which I do not have the dialogue for) in which Emma Thompson asks a nurse at the hospital where all of the dead people who won't get better are located.  It is also very funny in context.  

                        Again, I highly recommend the movie Stranger Than Fiction for a good dose of dry humor.  (I think I'm going to watch my DVD right now, as a matter of fact.)  :-)

Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies


On more than one occasion, I've been asked why my site is called Dry Humor Daily.  My consistent answer is that lots of people have told me over the years that I have a dry sense of humor.  For the longest time, I never really understood what that meant, but I took it as a compliment and just kept being myself.  Well, over time, I've come to a fuller understanding of dry humor (or deadpan humor, as some might say) and I'd like to present some of my favorite examples of it over the next couple of days.

First thing's first.  Pushing Daisies.

The show was fantastic.  It was kind of a mix between a fairy tale and a crime-solving show.  It only aired for two seasons (2007 and 2008) before it got cut, but they were two very entertaining seasons.  So why the pink slip?  Pushing Daisies was unfortunately too quick-witted for the average American.  The dialogue is fast-paced and clever.  To top it off, the characters have strong vocabularies.

What does this have to do with dry humor?  It's all in the delivery.  (That's basically what sets dry humor apart from all the others.)  There's not really a punchline.  Dry humor comes from the context of a situation and relies on things like straight-faced puns.  The detective in Pushing Daisies is very good at this.  You will find yourself laughing at him, even though he isn't saying anything directly funny.  If you have a chance, watch an episode or two.  I think you'll like it.

Rural

Rural


The word "rural" should be removed from the dictionary.

Why should it be?  Just say it out loud a few times.  I'll wait . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Any objections?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

That's right.  I said it.  :-)

Horse Power

Horse Power


How many horse power do you think that thing gets?

...or should I say, cow power?

Alcoholic Whipped Cream

Alcoholic Whipped Cream


The other day, I was at my parents eating their superfluous supply of Christmas cookies and my brother came home very excited about something.  It went a little like this:

"Hold your hand out," he said.

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Um...Okay."  So I did.  He swung an arm out from behind his back, upended a can, and sprayed a white foam in my hand.  "What is it?"

"Shaving cream."

"Um..."

"Just kidding," he said.  "Eat it."

After passing a few skeptic glances around the room, I did.  "Hmm.  It tastes like..."

"It's alcohol infused whipped cream.  Vanilla."

"Oh.  I was going to say shaving cream."

That's right.  Some genius out there finally did it: commercialized alcoholic whipped cream:

Need some more booze between your dinner cabernet and your post-feast bourbon?  Try Cream, an alcohol infused whipped cream.  It comes in many flavors and can be used to booze up many different desserts.  As long as you're old enough, I say you should definitely give it a whirl.  Whip it!  Whip it good!

Freeeeeeeeee!!!

Freeeeeeeeee!!!


Why didn't I post yesterday?  It's because I was busy unlocking my iPhone.  Yes!!!

I used to have AT&T and an iPhone that someone gave to me.  I eventually dropped my AT&T service, but continued to use the phone as a glorified iPod.  It has been working great for a long time.  I have T-Mobile, now, which the iPhone can be unlocked for, but I never tried to unlock my iPhone because I didn't want to jack it up.  (After all, it was making perfectly good music while I wrote Dry Humor Daily.  Why would I want to?)  

Anyway, I was updating the firmware on the iPhone in order to use some wireless headphones I purchased.  Bad move!  iTunes forgot to mention that when you restore your iPhone in order to update the firmware, you have to reactivate it with AT&T!  (In other words, I couldn't even use it to play music any more...)  My reaction was something like this:

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Son of a . . . . ."

"Gah!"

*Long sigh*

Then it occurred to me that I officially had nothing to lose by risking jailbreaking my device.  So I did some extensive reading and decided on a method on how to do it and got to work.  And voila!  Music and the ability to text like white lightning!  I'm in a happy place, now.  :)

Word Verification #17

Word Verification #17

Happy Wright Brothers Day!  Have you ever flown on a heavier-than-air-craft?  Thanks to the Wright brothers, your flight was made possible!  J  Now go bake a cake or something.

Here’s a Captcha that I’m sure we’ve all done at least once in our lives:

Litext:

-noun

1. An untruthful or deceitful text message

Ex: To cover the truth about where my friends and I were really going, I sent a litext to my girlfriend that we went bowling.

-verb

2. The act of sending untruthful or deceitful text messages 

Hot Playground

Hot Playground


Awesome comment-leaver Sarah brought something to my attention yesterday that usually would never cross my mind: how hot it is in December. . . in Texas.  Our high temperature yesterday was 79 degrees, just a week shy of the first day of winter.  But I might not have noticed because 79 is a cool breeze compared to the 107 we hit over the summer this year.  Blah!!!  (Thanks for the cruel reminder of how season-less Texas can be...)

Oddly enough, earlier this year, we had over a foot of snow!  (Back in January, in case you're wondering.)  It was, without a doubt, the most snow I have ever seen in Texas.  In remembrance, here is a photo of the 6 foot snowman we made... It was as tall as me!!!

And this is a picture of a typical Texas playground, covered in snow:

:-P

High Priority

High Priority


News flash!  Celebrities sell!  (Quite a revelation for the day, huh?)  And sometimes, the terrible celebrity news stories beat out real, very relevant news.  It makes me laugh and metaphorically cry in the same sitting.

One of my favorite news sources is msn.com, not because of it's articulate quality, but because I find the best examples of what I'm talking about.  (Actually, I hate reading the articles on MSN.com because it's a maze to find them.  You click on the pretty headliner picture and you get taken to Marie Claire's dating advice, or worse . . . bing!)  To illustrate the lop-sided msn-scale-of-importance, I captured this screen shot yesterday:

First of all, political kids are no more news-worthy than my kids or your kids.  Second, who cares?  Sadly enough, people click on this article, read this article, tell their friends about this article, and read the subsequently-linked wonder wall about this article, and completely miss the one about the cure for HIV.  (Claimed, but not yet proven, that is.)  

I take a very neutral stance about finding a cure for HIV and AIDS, but I do think even the slightest hint of a cure is more worth reading than another review of Chelsea Clinton's wedding.  I appreciate news stations and sites that report on important topics, not Lindsey Lohan's rehab.  Maybe I'm just a little old school.  Please, MSN, if I'm going to be forced through your site on a daily basis in some way or another, at least give me an article worth my time.  (Seriously, please.)

Oniomania

Oniomania


Are you crazy about onions?  Are you an onion enthusiast?  Do you vedge on Vidalias, live for leeks, or yearn for yellow onions?  Well . . . do ya?!

Whether you wish for Walla Wallas or surrender to sweet onions, guess what. . . you don't have "oniomania."

(What?!?!?!?!  I don't?)


Nope.

(but . . .)

Nope.

Every once in a while, a word comes along in the English language that should mean one thing, but instead means something completely different.  This is one that is most certainly worth pointing out.  Any wild guesses as to what you "suffer" from if you have oniomania?  As much as I want to tell you that it is an unhealty obsession with a bulbous vegetable, oniomania is actually the excessive desire to shop.

So why do we say "shopaholic" instead of "oniomaniac?"  It's easier to remember, of course.  And I agree.  But if practically no one uses a word for what it really is, why don't they just change it to what it should be?

Know of any other pointless or obscure words?  Please share!  :)

No Way!

No Way!


A Vietnamese restaurant recently opened up across the street from me.  They mainly serve "Pho" noodle dishes.  The atmosphere is par and the food is decent.  (But then again, it's difficult to screw up Pho.)  What's the point of bringing this up?  Well, the food isn't the funny part.  The name of the establishment is.  Here's a picture of it:

Yep, Pho King Way.  This is something we joked about many times as kids, but never thought it would ever come to fruition.  (I still chuckle sometimes when I drive by.)  Why would I laugh?  Either you already know, or you're about to find out.  It's all in the proper pronunciation.

Pho, even though it looks like it should be pronounced like "foe," is actually pronounced like the "fu" in "fudge."  Now, string together the whole name quickly.  "Pho King Way."  Get it?  I know it's childish, but what can I say?  It was a childhood joke.  Hee hee!

I hope everyone had a good weekend.  It was all too short for me!

The Big 200!

The Big 200!


Today marks the 200th post on Dry Humor Daily!  I am absolutely ecstatic to have actual readers whom I've never met in my life who genuinely read and comment.  Thank you to ALL of you.  You keep me encouraged and continuing to write.  So what's on the docket, today?  I thought we could take a brief walk down memory lane, then reflect on one of my favorite posts: Wasps

Memory lane isn't even a year yet, but for anyone who hasn't been around since the beginning, this is the best only screen shot I could find of what DHD used to look like:

This was one of the default blogger templates I used from when I first started.  Isn't it cute?  (It was one of the few that didn't look so feminine ...)  I eventually changed this to the blue version of the same pattern, then to a modern-looking black and green something-or-other, then a messy desk, and finally the better-looking messy desk you see now (with the Christmas theme added by yours truly!).  

On to one of my favorite posts.  Enjoy!  And when you're finished, feel free to check out the very first post ever, (if you're into that sort of thing.)

Wasps

Do you have a favorite word? You should, if for no other reason than to have an answer the next time someone asks you. Maybe you like scientific words that no one else knows. Maybe you like words that sound funny. Maybe, in severe irony, you like the word hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (look it up). Or maybe you could care less about words all together. Well my favorite word is wasps.

Try it. Say “wasps.” The “s” followed by “p” followed again by “s” comes out of your mouth like you’re trying to get someone’s attention. Wasps. I suppose it works with any word ending with an “s,” consonant, and another “s.” Okay, now try these out loud. Lists. Cists. Mists. Wisps. Costs. Masts. Casts. Fasts. Feasts. Crisps. Wrists. Asps. Clasps. Heists (Is your tongue getting tired yet? Are you spitting everywhere?). The one that takes the cake, however, is lisps.

Forgive my speech impediment insensitivity here. Lisps, as is, sounds just like the rest of them. “S,” consonant, “s.” Here’s the kicker, though: say it with a lisp (without laughing and spitting). (My advice: never ask someone with a lisp to say it.) It would go something like this. Lithpth. Isn’t it a little ironic that the word which describes a condition when it’s difficult for someone to say the letter “s” has an “s” in the word? Not to mention, two if it’s plural!

Now try the words from before, this time with a lisp. Lithth. Mithth. Withpth. Cothth. Mathth. Cathth. Fathth. Feathth. Crithpth. Writhth. Athpth. Clathpth. Heithth. In this light, there’s a new cake-taker: Cists, which would sound more like thithth. Can anyone even manage that one? If you can, save yourself the embarrassment and don’t show all your friends.

I still have a soft spot for wasps, though. It seems to linger on your tongue a little longer than the other examples. The humor in its pronunciation (that is, if you’re amused by it like me) is completely contradictory to the menacing image of the insect itself. Also, it requires the lips to move in many different directions all within the same word.

Pick a word and arm yourself with the knowledge surrounding it. Roam confidently with your vocabulary prowess! If you ever enter into a word-war with someone, be prepared to throw down the heavy, hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobic hammer on them!

Originally posted: 3/15/10

Cell Me

Cell Me


This time of year, I go to the mall more often than I normally would in other months.  It just so happens that this time of year is the time when all of the extra kiosks open up in the middle of all of the walking areas.  What does that mean for my shopping experience?  It means it's extra annoying.

I hate it when the kiosk vultures try to get my attention.  I know you can't tell much by my profile picture, but do I look like the kind of person who wants to buy some honey-flax-seed-olive-oil-butter-cream-lotion-made-with-Caspian-Sea-water?  (Also, if you can't tell, the answer is no.)  Anyway, that's beside the point.  Just about the only thing worse than being flagged down for a feminine hygiene product pitch is the cell phone booth.

The T-Mobile booth or Verizon booth, whatever it may be, is always stocked with the worst of the worst.  If you make it on to one of their radars, they ask you about your cell service as you approach the kiosk, as you walk by it, and as you're walking off, as well.  (Even if you never acknowledge them once.)  And somehow, they remember you.  You see, in almost every mall I've ever been to, you have to pass by everything twice.  (Once to go where you need to go and again to make your way back to your car.)  So when you're making your return pass by the booth, they hassle you again and give you the eye as if the seventh time of asking you is the magic one.

It's not. . . . and it never is.  So freaking stop it already!

Do you have any mall kiosks in particular that annoy you the most?  Please share!  :)

Musical Liberty

Musical Liberty


Here at Dry Humor Daily, I like Christmas music.  I really do.  I prefer the older songs, but some of the new ones aren't so bad.  (You definitely have to skip over whatever came out in the 90s, though, hands down.)  Want to know what I don't like?  I don't like despise commercials which rewrite the lyrics to Christmas songs with words about crowded malls, nasty fruit cake, and unwelcome in-laws.  I wish I could explain it, but it simply annoys me to no end.  (Even writing about this makes me shake my head in disappointment at our creatively lacking advertising industry.)

Companies have been altering Christmas songs for years, but Garmin's versions a few holidays ago really tipped the scales.  Now, any company can pitch Garmin's success as reason enough to make their own cheesy version of the campaign.  Here's an example of one:



I have a question.  Does anyone know the actual words to Carol of the Bells?  (Better yet, I wonder how many people even know the name.)  Everyone I know just says the "merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.  Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas" part when it comes on.  (Oh, who am I kidding, that's just about all I can remember from year to year, too...)

Bottom line: companies should have their commercial privileges unceremoniously stripped once they head down this path.  Changing the words of Christmas songs is lame.  (Even if they are funny the first time around.)  End of story.

On a lighter note, thanks to all of you loyal readers and comment-leavers!  I appreciate your time and interest more than you know.  Just thought I would randomly mention that.  :)

Ode to The Pillow

Ode to The Pillow

Oh, the comforting softness of the perfect pillow!

Few things on this Earth compare to the tranquil embrace of a bed pillow.  Its gentle cushion eases restless and wandering minds.  It selflessly bears the weight of burdened thoughts.  The pillow is both an open forum and a safeguard of deep secrets.  Even the sweetest of dreams rest in the very same place.  

Reality, however, cannot be forgotten even upon these cozy sanctuaries.  Dark nightmares are never further than a minute brain function away.  They lurk dreadfully and immeasurably close to one’s most comforting memories.  The catalyst for that synapse . . . ?

. . .

. . . . . . Fear.

The cure?  An easy mind.

The irony?  It is a luxury buried in a pillow.  A perfect pillow.  A treasure as rare as true love, the perfect pillow not only aids in rest or sleep, but in restful, life-altering sleep.  Find yours.  Conquer your dreams.

Attached

Attached


Have you ever sent an email and promised an attachment, but forget to actually attach something?  (You're not alone.)  Then, you have to post-proclaim your brain lapse by writing a follow-up email, usually containing a "duh" or an "oops."  Sounds intelligent, doesn't it?

If this sounds like you, I have a solution:  Gmail.  (I promise Dry Humor Daily is not a google spokesperson.  They just keep coming up with good stuff!)  Here's a message you might get from gmail if you forget your attachment:

I remember thinking, as a matter of fact, I did mean to attach something.  Thanks, gmail!  (I might have actually said it out loud to myself.)  Anyway, pretty cool, huh?  From now on, I don't have to be that person: the notorious attachment-forgetter.  

What will they come up with next?  (Hopefully, teleportation or light sabers, you know, something cool like that!)

Word Verification #16

Word Verification #16


Happy Friday!  I know I'm glad!  Here's this week's Captcha.

Mencliff:


-noun
1. A high, steep rock face reserved strictly for the gathering of males.

Ex: Few women have ventured to a mencliff and returned to tell the testosterone tale.

Gas Power

Gas Power

Did you know some farmers power their farms with gas?  I know, duh, right?  Well, somehow we got on this subject yesterday at work.  Believe it or not, I'm not talking about the kind of gas you use for your stove.  I'm talking about another type:

I'm talking about the crap produced by these guys: cows.  Yep.  Some farming establishments have developed a process of filling pits full of manure and capturing the methane rising from it and converting it into usable gas which powers their operation.  No bull.

Think we should all be driving fewer SUVs?  Think again.  The beef industry (more importantly, the belching and flatulent byproducts of it) accounts for multiple times the atmospheric destruction than all of the vehicles on the planet combined.  Now that stinks!  The truth is: more farmers should be doing this.  Maybe Dry Humor Daily can power its site this way, too.  (On second thought, never mind that.)

So what do you do with this information?  Call your senator, of course!  And demand methane-powered farming!  

On a cleaner, fresher-smelling note, Dry Humor Daily just had its 10,000 page view.  Yay!

Why Not?

Why Not?


I don't get it:

Where is this that you're not allowed to stab back hoes with shovels?

Ode to the Stove Crevasse

Ode to the Stove Crevasse

What terror lurks hidden between the stove and the neighboring cabinet?

Crumbs?  Most likely.
Resident insects which we'd sooner like to forget?  Possibly.
Or is it something more devious? . . . Who's to say?

Try to recall what you've swept into that black void over time.  It is most certainly a combination of culinary refuse along with the chemicals used to clean it.  A graveyard of exoskeletons: insects which ventured but never returned.  But why?  Why does nothing emerge from that void?

Perhaps an evolutionary experiment carries on among the carrion.  Something evolves down there.  It grows.  And it's omnivorous appetite is endless.  Every niblet of disregarded corn and each stray dehydrated noodle serves to nourish and satisfy the mysterious depth's hunger.  The same fate awaits every splatter of marinara and drop of poultry drippings.  As well, each and every rolled oat, rounded pea, and roasted peanut all stand to feed the anathema in the dark.

But it's never enough . . .

Brush whatever substance you desire into it's gaping mouth.  It is insatiable.  Do you think that's the floor creaking when you walk by your stove?  Think again.  Someone, or something, is hungry. . .

Repo Men

Repo Men


This is something I've never done on Dry Humor Daily: a movie review.  Mandalyn and I watch a lot of movies. Most of them are "okay" or "cute."  Some are sadly a waste of time.  But every once in a while, we still come across a good one.  When that happens, I like to tell people.  So I thought, why not post about it?  Now, if I would truly recommend a movie, I think I'll start spreading the word here.

Obviously, there are a ton of many great movies out there, but I promise not to post about all of them.  I'll just make this a starting point and only bring up films from here on out.

So let's talk about Repo Men:

I really enjoyed Repo Men.  It took me about a day to mull it over in my head (like most good movies).  The more I thought about this one, the more I liked it.  It was an original premise, but a classic storyline, and it had a good twist which was predictable, but good enough to satisfy even the veteran moviegoer.  

So what do the Repo Men repossess?  (If you don't know, don't worry.  I didn't realize the answer to this question before watching the movie, either.)  I'll paraphrase a quote from Jude Law's character for you:

"If you don't pay for your car, the bank takes it back.  If you don't pay for your house, the bank takes it back.  If you don't pay for your liver, well...that's where I come in."

Sound gruesome?  It is.  So if you're okay with "grisly images" (as the MPAA so delicately describes it), then you can consider watching it.  (It's rated R, by the way.)  Why did I like it?  Well, the acting is good.  The special effects are convincing enough.  And the setting is timeless. In other words, this movie will still be good twenty years from now.  One more thing I really appreciated.  The concept of repossessing organs was played off very well in the film.  It was kind of like Benjamin Button getting younger in his movie.  No one really asked any questions.  He was just getting younger.  In Repo Men, they showed up and shanked clients for their artificial organs if they were 96+ days late on payments.  No questions asked.  It was just a fact of post-organ-transplant-life.  Well done.

Has anyone else seen this movie?  Do you agree?  I'd love to know.  :)

Black Friday

Black Friday


I like shopping on Black Friday.  I enjoy the crowds and watching some people make fools of themselves.  The sales are good.  It's all around a fun experience for me.  Well, today was very different.

Nowhere that I had to go was completely packed or overrun by ravaging sale-seekers.  I went to Kohl's, Best Buy, and Wally World and I didn't have trouble finding parking once.  I never waited in any obscenely long line. And I didn't not find what I was looking for.  (Although I did forget something.  Oh well.)  Then I looked at my watch.  It was 9:00AM when I got to the first store, Kohl's.  Well no wonder it wasn't packed.  The really big crowds had already come and gone because Kohly's opened at 3AM this morning!  Three freaking AM!  That's only . . . like . . . three hours after yesterday!  Black Friday is literally becoming the whole day.  (Actually, some stores open at 10 the night before.  I guess that would be like Black-Thursday-Night, or Black-Black-Friday-Eve.)

Bah!  I think I liked it better when stores opened at normal times and crazy people just lined up early to get in before all of the other crazy people to get their Tickle-Me-Elmo before the other crazy guy with a gun shows up.

...

On another note, happy belated Thanksgiving!

AND

I was dog-sick two days before Thanksgiving, which explains why there was no post Wednesday.  (And no, it wasn't eggnog that made me sick.)

AND

Now I'm off to read all of y'all's blogs that I'm a little behind on.  :)

Eggnog

Eggnog


Need I say more?

That ain't no Christmas martini.  That's eggnog.  Oooooh yeah!  It's the seasonal beverage of choice here at Dry Humor Daily!  Eggnog is one of the top 5 best things about the period of time between Halloween and New Years.  And it's worth every thick, flavorful, all-around indulging calorie contained within!  (I'm not exactly sure what the other 4 top five best things are, but whatever they are, eggnog is up there with them!)

I'm a fan of Braums eggnog.  It has the best blend of spices in my opinion.  And I make special trips to get it.  (And let me tell you, it is special, because our Braums is a HUGE pain in the butt to get to.)  Anyway, my favorite, however, is the homemade variety of eggnog.  It's hard to find people you know who make it and will let you have some.  It's even harder to make your own batch and find other people who will help you finish it.  Why?  For some reason, folks get grossed out by raw egg yolks.  (You see, store-bought eggnog is most likely less than 1% raw egg.  It's delicious, but not as delicious.)

I don't know why some people make such a fuss about eating raw egg yolks.  At least with eggnog, you can add enough liquor ("nog") to kill any of those harmful, yolk-riding diseases within.  And it makes everyone at the Christmas party a little more social, if you know what I mean!  :)

Word Verification #15

Word Verification #15


Somehow, I basically missed a day last week.  As a result, I completely forgot about using Friday to post a Captcha.  So... what better day than today?  :)

Fastrat:


-Noun
1.  An exceptionally quick rodent

2.  An exceptionally quick and ill-moral-ed person

Irregardless

Irregardless


Irregardless is not a word.  Period.  I heard it THREE times yesterday.  I usually only hear it about three time per month.  I literally cringe every time I hear someone speak it.  (It's surprisingly easy to type it, though.  And to proofread it.)  If you use this word, you owe it to yourself to stop.

Here's the funny part.  When someone says "irregardless," the word they're actually looking for is "regardless."  You see, "regardless" is a synonym for "notwithstanding."  So saying "irregardless" would be like saying "notnotwithstanding."  (By the way, "notnotwithstanding" isn't a word, either.)

The worst part is when I hear it on TV, especially the news.  Newscasters are professional talkers and the only time I've ever heard them say "irregardless" is in one of their off-the-cuff moments.  In other words, the teleprompter doesn't read "irregardless," the anchors themselves actually think that the word can be found between "irrefutable" and "irregular" in the English dictionary.  (Go ahead.  Look.  It's not there.)

There is pretty much only one time that the word will actually make me laugh:

Do you know any adults with a very limited vocabulary?  Sure you do.  They say something like "defibulator" and you compliment them for saying a big word, even though it's actually "defibrillator."  Or they'll say "carburetor," but you know they couldn't spell it if you asked.  Then, that special someone will one day bust out the biggest, baddest word they know: Irregardless.  This is where you laugh to yourself because their greatest vernacular feat is undeniably and unwittingly false.

That probably makes me sound like a big jerk, but I promise, it's all in good spirits.  Irregardless is becoming more common, it seems, so I'm starting to get jaded to it.  Don't get me started on "hisself," though . . .

Caring

Believe it or not, a reader actually sent me an email asking about why there was not a post, today.  I have to be honest.  It felt pretty good to be missed.  (That's not why I didn't post.  This isn't a test or anything.)  Work just keeps getting busier and busier.  What that means for writing Dry Humor Daily is that I simply have less time at the end of the day to do so.  It really is sad, too, because I have really grown to love writing this blog.

Rest assured, I'm writing tomorrow's post in about 38 seconds from now.  :)

Swagger

Swagger


Is Mick Jagger the only thing that rhymes with "swagger?"  Both Kesha and the Black-eyed Peas have used that rhyme scheme in a radio single this year.  Kesha kind of got away with it because she was the first.  (Even still, it was lame.)  Then the Black-eyed Peas?  Come on.  Even I could do better.  How about "dagger" or "snagger" or even "snag her?"

...."lagger"

...."flagger"

.... .... "bagger"

Anyone else got any bright ideas?  Our leading pop musicians definitely need some help!

Small Delivery

Small Delivery


My younger brother took this picture in a nearby neighborhood (You can tell it's local because of the Texas flag street numbers):

So . . . what would you call this while still being politically correct.  "Midget mailbox?"  Nope.  "Dwarven drop box?"  Too offensive.  "Pygmy postal center?"  Still no good.  How about "Post-and-parcel-delivery-receptacle-for-those-who-are-hmm-let's-see-...-the-nicest-way-to-say-vertically-impaired?"  That's it!  (I think we're on to something!)

Google Blindly

Google Blindly


A little while back, Google started guessing what you're looking for for you.  What I mean is, if you start typing something into their search box, suddenly the top searches form a drop down box.  That way, if you are searching for one of the same things everyone else is, you can just select it from the list.  (I suppose it saves you a couple seconds worth of typing the remainder of your query.  I mean, I'm busy, but not that busy.)  Sometimes, I set out to search for one thing and then get sidetracked to something else Google suggested.  And sometimes, it can be pretty entertaining.

If you start typing "can blind people see," Google flashes this list:

The first suggestion is legit.  And the last three are decent, too.  But the second, "Can blind people see the taste of cinnamon toast crunch," is just funny.

This list is essentially based on numbers.  In this example, for all of the people who started typing "can blind people see," these five phrases completed the string as the top five searches.  Apparently, somewhere between wondering whether blind people see dreams and whether blind people see their dreams, the great Google public wants to know if the seeing-impaired can see the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.  I couldn't help but laugh.  (Then, I seriously wondered whether this was a joke like the Google/Chuck Norris thing.  I honestly don't think so.)

Either General Mills is funding some twisted advertising campaign in cahoots with Google or we searchers are really this idiotic.  Unfortunately, I think it's the latter.

Word Verification #14

Word Verification #14

As always, happy Friday!!!  If you work at a bank, then I hope you had a good day off yesterday!  (Unfortunately, I don’t work for a bank…)  Anyway, enjoy this week’s Captcha.

Updis

-verb

1. To insult someone to a greater degree than they just insulted you, i.e. to dis better

Ex: Jane made fun of Jill’s tacky outfit and Jane updissed Jill by pointing out her rat-nest hair do.

-noun

2. That insult which is greater than, and in return to, a lesser caliber offense (see definition 1)

3. The opposite of the phrase “up yours”

More Likely

More Likely

Guess what.  Children who are overweight are 75% more likely to be overweight as adults.  Know how I know?  The news told me (which means you can take that to the bank!). You see, someone did a “study” on it.  Well, I’ve got 2 cents for them:

#1 First of all . . . really?  They needed a study to find that out?  I’m trying to tread lightly, here, but that study is kind of like saying that people who drive a car are 75% more likely to get where they’re going faster than walking.  People who eat beans for lunch are 75% more likely to have a noisier afternoon than those who don’t.  People who own cats are 75% more likely to have cat fur on their furniture.  My point is: duh.

#2 Who cares?  Can’t they find something more relevant to talk about on the evening news?  How about world events or politics?  How about the economy?  Extend the weather section of the news, for Pete’s sake.  Oh, well.  I guess if this study is the only thing we all have to worry about at the moment, we’re doing alright as a society.

#3 Surely, someone had to spend money on conducting this study.  I feel like that money could be better spent curing cancer, feeding the homeless, or, let’s see, maybe improving defensive driving videos or something.

I could say more, but then I would be getting into topics not involving evening news studies.  Got any more “duh” studies you’ve heard of?  Please share!  J

Makeover and a Laugh

Makeover and a Laugh


I made some changes to my blog header and background.  Whaddya think?  :)

I poked around the code long enough to find where Dry Humor Daily's images were being held captive.  I copied them into Adobe Fireworks and went to town!  I then hosted them on photobucket and replaced the old image links in my template with the new ones.  And Voila!!  Depending on the zoom in your browser, it might be a little choppy around the edges, but hey!  It was my first try at my own template (at least manipulating the images, that is.)  (I promise, the next one will be even more awesome!)

So that's the makeover bit, but what about the laugh?  Well, I saw this on one of Google's webmaster tools that I use:

Google cracks me up.  In a world where everything has to be so serious, it's nice to break the monotony with quirky things like this.  I hope you get a chuckle out of it, too.

(Actually, I did have to go outside after reading this to fix a light on my car, which for some people is like playing.  LOL.)

Food Faux Pas

Food Faux Pas

Fine dining is like fashion. It has phases like seasons that come and go. Fresh, creative styles are last night’s casserole faster than we can realize we’ve missed them. Any culinary connoisseur needs an ever-adapting palate to suit the relentlessly changing edible of arts. So what makes it into food famedom and how? Who knows, but it sure is easy to poke fun at!

With each erupting food-fad, masters of the craft instantly rise to fame, only to inevitably fall back into the forgotten realm of recipe remission. Remember tapas? How about going out to a restaurant and in stead of eating at a table, customers kick off their shoes and eat in a bed? It seems silly now, but they were all the rage in their prime. Here are a few examples of short-lived, comic fare.

Someone recently decided food might be more adventurous to eat if it were taken apart. The word used to describe this twist is “deconstruction.” Any and everything could be deconstructed and formed into piles of ingredients on a plate. Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of having someone prepare the food for you? I like my chicken, my noodles, and my broth together in the same bowl like soup. . . because it’s soup! Imagine a plate with a sticky glob of peanut butter and a dollop of sweaty grape jelly next to conveniently-sliced (but not spread-upon) bread. Voila! Deconstructed peanut butter and jelly! But that’s not all! It has to be fancier, so instead , you’re served fire-roasted Turkish Pistachio spread and late-harvest Oregon merlot jelly on pygmy-harvested rye sourdough. Oh, and it’s a hundred bucks. I love a good savory safari, but I don’t want to work for it.

Even more recently, comfort food swept the nation. You might have encounter vine-ripened tomato gazpacho with a grilled goat cheese finger sandwich on the side. How would you like an Herbes de Provence Porterhouse meat loaf with a side of Peruvian purple potato hash? Bottom line, though, it’s still comfort food. I go out to eat wanting food I can’t cook at home. The phenomenon kind of died off when patrons began to realize that grandma’s potato soup recipe is every bit as good as that vichyssoise at the five-star downtown!

Maybe you like your vegetables vertical, your pastries painted in chocolate, your foie gras extra fatty, or your meticulously-massaged-before-butchered beef. Well enjoy it now, because the next trendy cuisine is just around the culinary corner!

I Wonder . . .

I Wonder . . .

We all want the world to be a better place, right?  Sure we do.  So how do we get there?  Ask this one question:  “Why?”

Yep.  It’s that simple.  (Not to be confused with easy).  There’s always a better way to do things, but how will we ever know if we’re not actively seeking them.  Well, like a 3 year old, I ask “why” all the time.  However, I’m not exactly wondering about a better way to split an atom.  I like to think I wonder about more practical subjects.

I’ve been collecting a list of wonderings and now I think I’ve got a post’s worth:

-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?  (Or goldfish crackers, for that matter?)  (Or Teddy Grahams?)

-Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

-Why is a doctor’s business called their “practice?”  (I don’t know about you, but I don’t know if I like being practiced on.)

-Who decided the order of the alphabet?  And why isn’t Q at the reject end of it with X, Y, and Z?  (It’s kind of out-of-place where it is, now.)

-Why do they put Braille on drive-thru ATMs?

-Why don’t they call non-stop flights one-stop flights?

Anything y’all wonder about?  

Word Verification #13

Word Verification #13

Happy Friday!  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I know I’m ready for mine!

In case you’re new to Dry Humor Daily, I like to take screen shots of Captchas that look like they could be words and add their would-be definitions.  If you want to see more Captcha posts, click the Captcha label just below this post.  Here’s today’s Captcha:

Rearair:

-noun

1. The byproduct of flatulence, generally considered embarrassing or disrespectful in public

Ex: Mr. Methane’s rearair is rank enough to choke a quarter horse!

Extra Fancy

Extra Fancy

We have these at work to snack on:

They are Extra Fancy Mixed Nuts.  Sounds good, right?  (They are.)  Perhaps you should be lifting a pinky when you eat them  Well I had been wondering something for quite some time now and never really got around to finding an answer until this munchies caught my attention.  I’ve seen fancy ketchup and fancy varieties of fruit before, but never nuts.  And to top it off: these are indeed extra fancy.  (Not just regular ol’ fancy.)  So I wanted to know: do “fancy” and “extra fancy” actually stand for something?

The answer is, they do.

You’re probably familiar with different classifications/grades of foods like eggs and meats.  Well, certain other foods have a little bit fancier way of determining quality (pun intended).  Apples and nuts, for example, can be either Utility grade (the lower quality), fancy (the medium), and extra fancy (the best of the best).  Extra Fancy often refers to a perfect color, shape, and condition.  Fancy produce may be slightly blemished or ever-so-slightly discolored.  And Utility grade is, well, edible, but more likely suitable for being an ingredient in something else.  (You would think they could have come up with a name closer to the other two, like “Quaint Grade” or “Idiosyncratic Grade.”) 

So next time someone tries to pass you the fancy nuts or ketchup, you can respectfully decline, pinky raised, and request only the extra fancy varieties.  After all, don’t you deserve the best?

Election Day

Election Day


I know you're busy reading Dry Humor Daily right now, but if you haven't done so, today, (and you live in the US) you should vote.  I'm a big believer that's it is a privilege to do so.

Okay, I won't push it on anyone.  If you like voting, or you're going to, or you already did, then great!  If not, then maybe you'll relate to this:

(If only more of us worked for the government so we could have the day off.)

My Car Did

My Car Did


I'm a commercial geek.  I watch 'em. . . and I generally enjoy them.  I'm extremely judgmental about them, too.  I tend to be vocal about good advertising versus bad advertising.   (Like the recent Burger King breakfast commercials: stuuuuuuuupid.  Flute solo?  Really?)  Anyway, car commercials are almost always ranked among the worst.  Why?  Because they've all been done.  (Actually, Ford F-150 has had some very good ones over the last couple of years.)

There are only so many angles you can film a car doing donuts in the desert or zooming down unrealistically unoccupied city streets.  When that stops working, companies try to cram customer testimonials into their ads, when is never convincing.  Well, Mercedes Benz went the testimonial route.  The customers were very honest, but, well, see for yourself:



So let me get this straight, if you want to guiltlessly take your eyes off the road whenever you'd like, fall asleep at the wheel, and drive for more continuous hours than legally allowed by a semi-truck driver . . . then you should buy a Mercedes E-Class.  Right?  Did anyone else get that from that commercial?  You buy the Benz, you can be a lazy driver.  Cool.  How much is this going to cost?

Oh...

Guess I'll have to drive lazy in my regular car.