Well Done

Congrats, guys, on a job well do... oh...

Big Stretch

Future Darwin Award winner.

No Ropes

No Ropes


No ropes?  No problem.

It's no wonder women live longer than men.

Double Up

Double Up


You know... they make longer ladders, too:

Also, I wanna know where I can get some free gas, too.

-----------------------------

And I have this award that I'm finally getting around to posting about.  It came from Stephanie over at Seriously??... Reeeally?... ... Seriously?.  If you're into soap shards, shiny poop, and the hidden dangers of singing on Rock Band, then rock on over and check her out!  Er,  . . . um, I mean check her blog out. . . (or whatever floats your boat...)  So here's the award:

I know it's fruity and pink, but I'm secure enough in my man-hood to accept.  I need to share 5 guilty pleasures and pass it on to three other irresistibly sweet bloggers.

1. Miniature Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2. Starbucks Coffee

3. Watching Naruto

4. Chocolate anything

5. Sleeping in on the weekend

And my three recipients:

1. Diary of a Snuggle Slut

2. Freckles and Fudge

3. Simply Kate

Hold It!

Hold It!


This week is quickly turning into safety week.

Monday = don't eat food from modest restaurants.
Tuesday = cross your fingers that gravity doesn't suddenly get stronger.
Today =

First of all, it's funny that idiot #1 is waiting for the idiot #2 to come swinging down with a sledge hammer in the direction of his skull.  Upon closer inspection . . . look at where idiot #2 is standing.  :)

ALSO!!!

I have an award to dish out today and tomorrow!  Today, I'm about a week behind on this one:  

This is from Kara at Visions unto myself.  She has recently worked her way into my own reading stack.  So... thank for the award, and thank you for making me laugh.  Now, to follow suit, I will also divulge three secrets about myself and pass this on to three others:

1.  I have both Justin Timberlake CD's (as well as the "I'm Lovin' It" single from before he sold it to McDonald's) . . . and I know most of the words.  Before you go publicly denouncing me and un-following my blog, please understand that I don't really go out of my way to listen to them on my iPod, but I don't necessarily skip the songs when they come on during shuffle either.

2.  I like to cook.  I make brownies from scratch, as in eggs, flower, sugar, etc.  No box mix.  And I make a killer apple pie.  It's kind of a family recipe.  One of us (me or my brothers) has to do it.

3.  I want to be a teacher when I retire from my 30 or 40 years of corporate career-hood.  I want to teach Math or English or History.  Actually, it really doesn't matter what.

So here are the three lucky stylish recipients:

1.  Stephanie @ Seriously??...Reeeally?...Seriously?
2.  Tsaritsa @ The Tsaritsa Sez
3.  Kristin @ Diary of KFun

Precaution

Precaution


If this goes bad, do you think the hard hat is really going to help?

I don't think so.

Stay Fat

Stay Fat


I was surfing my favorite website for obscure news (MSN) and I found this gem:

So if you can make it past the article about gun rights, the article about congresswoman Giffords being shot by a gun and living, and the article about how Giffords being shot by a gun is somewhat overshadowing an outdated federal holiday concerning a certain civil rights icon who was shot by a gun and didn't live, then you'd see the juiciest of them all.  (It's conveniently circled.)  (And yes, I said MLK's birthday is an outdated holiday.  It's on par with President's Day and Colombus Day.)  Anyway, the gist of the article is this: if you're already overweight, the odds are, you'd be better off staying that way instead of losing the weight.

-What?!?!?!  
-I know, shocking.
-So does that mean I can eat yummy delicious Oreo cream sandwiches to my clogged heart's content for as long as we both shall live?
-Well . . . that's a little creepy and I'm not sure what it means, but sure.
-And exercising?  Does that mean I should start training for the next Law and Order marathon?
-Yes, as long as you wear running shorts.

The real gist is this: body fat tends to store nasty pollutants and pesticides like PCBs and DDT.  They supposedly get into body fat by eating overly-processed foods, under-cleaned-chemically-treated foods, and touching public restroom door handles after people who don't wash their hands (or at least two of those reasons).  Well, when you begin to lose significant amounts of that fat, typically by means of diet and exercise, those chemicals get released into your bloodstream.  Subsequently, diseases like hypertension, type 2 diabetes, and coronary heart disease have all been linked to those chemicals, also known as persistent organic pollutants.

Luckily, the article mentions two methods of avoiding these toxins getting into your blood.  First, exercising and sticking to a plant-based diet while losing weight.  And, "of course, not becoming obese in the first place..."  There's a real pearl of wisdom for ya!

Why Not?

Why Not?


I don't get it:

Where is this that you're not allowed to stab back hoes with shovels?

Black Friday

Black Friday


I like shopping on Black Friday.  I enjoy the crowds and watching some people make fools of themselves.  The sales are good.  It's all around a fun experience for me.  Well, today was very different.

Nowhere that I had to go was completely packed or overrun by ravaging sale-seekers.  I went to Kohl's, Best Buy, and Wally World and I didn't have trouble finding parking once.  I never waited in any obscenely long line. And I didn't not find what I was looking for.  (Although I did forget something.  Oh well.)  Then I looked at my watch.  It was 9:00AM when I got to the first store, Kohl's.  Well no wonder it wasn't packed.  The really big crowds had already come and gone because Kohly's opened at 3AM this morning!  Three freaking AM!  That's only . . . like . . . three hours after yesterday!  Black Friday is literally becoming the whole day.  (Actually, some stores open at 10 the night before.  I guess that would be like Black-Thursday-Night, or Black-Black-Friday-Eve.)

Bah!  I think I liked it better when stores opened at normal times and crazy people just lined up early to get in before all of the other crazy people to get their Tickle-Me-Elmo before the other crazy guy with a gun shows up.

...

On another note, happy belated Thanksgiving!

AND

I was dog-sick two days before Thanksgiving, which explains why there was no post Wednesday.  (And no, it wasn't eggnog that made me sick.)

AND

Now I'm off to read all of y'all's blogs that I'm a little behind on.  :)

My Car Did

My Car Did


I'm a commercial geek.  I watch 'em. . . and I generally enjoy them.  I'm extremely judgmental about them, too.  I tend to be vocal about good advertising versus bad advertising.   (Like the recent Burger King breakfast commercials: stuuuuuuuupid.  Flute solo?  Really?)  Anyway, car commercials are almost always ranked among the worst.  Why?  Because they've all been done.  (Actually, Ford F-150 has had some very good ones over the last couple of years.)

There are only so many angles you can film a car doing donuts in the desert or zooming down unrealistically unoccupied city streets.  When that stops working, companies try to cram customer testimonials into their ads, when is never convincing.  Well, Mercedes Benz went the testimonial route.  The customers were very honest, but, well, see for yourself:



So let me get this straight, if you want to guiltlessly take your eyes off the road whenever you'd like, fall asleep at the wheel, and drive for more continuous hours than legally allowed by a semi-truck driver . . . then you should buy a Mercedes E-Class.  Right?  Did anyone else get that from that commercial?  You buy the Benz, you can be a lazy driver.  Cool.  How much is this going to cost?

Oh...

Guess I'll have to drive lazy in my regular car.

Word Verification #6

Word Verification #6

I had to bust out Microsoft Paint for this one.  J  Enjoy!

Frosmack:

-noun

1. The second slap in a consecutive series of two, as in "to and fro," especially one aimed at the face

See diagram

Go Rangers!

Go Rangers!

When I say Rangers, I mean the Texas Rangers as in the MLB team.  They just won their first playoff series ever on Tuesday.  (As embarrassing as it is that it took almost 40 years, it’s still nice to be happy about something.  It’s not coming from the Cowboys.  That’s for sure.)  Good luck versus the Yankees!

I can’t post about all business, so I have to post at least one thing funny.  I’m a little short on time, so I’ll leave you with this picture.  The best part is: it doesn’t need any words.

Google Makes Me Laugh

Google Makes Me Laugh

I use Google Chrome as my web browser.  After the first couple of days of trying it, I was hooked.  I downloaded Chrome on all both of my computers and never looked back.  It works wonderfully with Gmail, it’s fast, and it’s very user friendly.  (There’s one website that I use at work that doesn’t like Chrome, however, so I do sometimes have to stoop to Internet Explorer.  And I mean “stoop” in a loving way.) 

I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s perfect.  If it were, no one at Google would have a job.  Chrome bombed on me the other day, mind you, only for about 2 minutes.  I launched the browser and tried new tabs, but this was all I got:

“Aw, Snap!”?  I couldn’t help but laugh.  I didn’t know what was funnier: the x-ed eyes on the sad, file-folder-of-death or the cliché, Tracey Morgan catch phrase.  I immediately deemed it worthy of a screen shot and a blog post. 

It’s nice to know that the folks over at Google have a sense of humor.  After a little bit of investigation, I realized I’m not the only one who thinks this is funny.  You can even buy an “Aw, Snap!” T-shirt.

(I’m pretty sure it says “GEEK” in big, bold letters on the back, too.)

Sublime

Sublime

This topic comes to you from the suggestion box!  If you haven’t dropped me a note in there yet, you definitely should.  (If it’s not working for you, just email me: s.cole.garrett@gmail.com) 

“Hey cole,
Why don't you write about subliminal advertising I remember you telling me about that one time and I found it incredibly interesting!”

Good suggestion!  I’m amazed by all of the controversy surrounding subliminal advertising.  Some people get really heated about one side of the argument or the other.  Does it really work?  Is it a waste of time and money?  Does it really create a propensity to buy?  Does it protect me from die-hard twilight fans?  The truth is: the evidence is piling up for both sides of the argument (with the exception of twilight fans).  So like a lot of things, you kind of have to decide for yourself.  The irony is: subliminal advertising a simple concept on the surface, but very complex the more you study it.  I can just give you the facts.

If you google “subliminal advertising,” you’ll no doubt find a slew of examples, many of them utilizing another popular advertising strategy: sex.  In an effort to keep my blog as clean as always, I’m going to present a couple of lesser-known subliminal advertising examples.  (As a matter of fact, you’re probably still wondering about sex, even though I said I wasn’t going to talk about it.) 

Exxon

When do you need to put gas in your car?  When it runs out?  (Hopefully, you don’t wait that long.  I did, once…) How do you know you’re low?  You look at your gas meter which is typically a needle pointing to an “E,” right?  Take a look at the Exxon logo.  Is it just me, or does the line crossing both x’s resemble a needle conveniently pointing to the “E” in Exxon?  Hmm…  When you see this sign enough, like, say, driving to work every day, your brain will make the connection for you and you’ll never even know it.  As a matter of fact, you don’t even have to look directly at it, your peripherals can pick up the subliminal message, “Come get gas at Exxon when you’re almost empty.”  Scary, huh?

Marlboro

Quick, what is the signature color for Marlboro?  Red!  And their spokesman was an iconic . . . cowboy!  Older people, especially, probably have a pretty good mental image of the Marlboro man right now.  Others can at least picture the Marlboro red box.  Research has been done which reveals that for Marlboro smokers, even the sight of the shade of red lights up the part of the brain where cravings come from.  Well, Altria, formerly known as Phillip Morris, is known for paying bar owners to redecorate their bars in red themes: red seats, red booths, red lights, etc. 

A side note on cigarettes.  Ever notice how big the surgeon general’s warning is on a pack of cigarettes?  It turns out, the same research mentioned above also showed that the sight of the surgeon general’s warning produced the same craving level as any other craving-causer.  Why would tobacco companies want to change it?  In a twisted way, the government is sort of, well, paying for them to sell more cigarettes.  How does that make you feel?  J

Just Drive

Just Drive

Some people are very, very smart.  We have microsurgeries and smart phones.  We have the Hubble space telescope and 4G wireless networks.  Have you ever seen an Airbus A380??  It’s difficult to imagine that we humans can build such things!  To our extreme misfortune, we also have humans wandering around this planet which are on the complete opposite end of the intelligence spectrum: utter idiots.

Yep.  This article is about people doing stupid things, not smart things.  And if you’re trying to make a connection to the title of this article, I’ll just say it: this is about people doing stupid things while operating a vehicle.  That being said, what should we definitely not be doing while driving a car?  Here are just a few I could come up with:

Drinking alcohol – this is a no brainer.  If you can’t see straight, how could you possibly drive straight.  And oh yeah, it’s illegal.

Putting on makeup – especially around the eyes.  Especially, especially with the sun visor’s vanity mirror in your face blocking your view of the road.  Here’s an idea: wake up earlier!

Picking your nose – not illegal, but dangerous on bumpy roads

Texting – because Oprah says so . . .

Eating a burrito – it’s an accident waiting to happen, whether it be your car or your clean, white shirt

There are plenty of other examples, and as a matter of fact, I thought I had seen them all.  Then, there was the other day. . .  I pulled up to a stop light on a major street and just happened to glance over at the driver in the small, blue car next to me.  The lady was reading a book!  Not a magazine or a pamphlet.  A freaking novel!  And she was half-way through it!  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just whipped it out for that stop light.  But no!  After the light turned green, she just kept on reading while driving.  It must have been one life-altering book! 

I just have to say, how ignorant can you be?!

She might as well have been drinking, texting, putting on makeup, picking her nose, and eating a burrito!  To all of you page turners/drivers out there . . .  Stop It!  Just drive.

Friday 8/13

Friday the 13^th

Happy Friday the 13^th!  I hope you’re not superstitious.  If you are, don’t start anything new and stay away from leaning ladders, questionable mirrors, indoor umbrellas, and black cats.  (Those bad luck charms don’t necessarily have anything to do with Friday the 13^th, but you definitely don’t want to compound the effects!) 

So what the heck is all the hype surrounding Friday the 13^th?  It’s really just a culmination of bad things that have happened on Fridays in history and the bad aura surrounding the number thirteen.  (By the way, the fear of Friday the 13^th is officially called friggatriskaidekaphobia.)  Honestly, we’ve kind of ruined it for ourselves, if you think about it. 

Black Friday sometimes refers to stock market crashes.  Basically, everyone who had money those times . . . lost a lot of money those times.  Jesus was supposedly crucified on a Friday.  Shopping is nightmarish (albeit entertaining) the day after Thanksgiving.  Things like that. 

The number thirteen is the kicker, though.  For some reason, thirteen makes people uncomfortable.  Thirteen is deeply rooted in even the not-so-superstitious.  Many tall buildings in the U.S. rename the 13^th floor.  One building that I used to work in actually had all of the mechanical services on the 13^th floor instead of businesses.  Thirteen is often tied to the bad luck of Apollo 13.  There were thirteen people at the last supper.  You can see why it would be so spooky.

Mathematically speaking, 12 is kind of a complete number.  It works really well with circles.  Adding 1 to make it 13 throws a kink into everything.  There are 12 months, 12 zodiacs, 12 apostles, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 hours on the clock, etc.  12s are everywhere, but not 13s because it obstructs the wholeness of 12. 

You know what I think?  Any day can be a bad day.  I’m sure plenty of disasters and deaths have occurred on Tuesdays and Sundays.  (And Mondays, and Wednesdays, and Thursdays, and Saturdays.)  And think about it, if we all survive the impending apocalypse in 2012, 2013 is going to be a pretty good year!

Superstitious or not, have a good weekend.  Just know that you just saw the number 13 in this post 13 times!

Tuesday 8/10

Coffee Flow

You kill it, you fill it.  That’s the unwritten law, at least.  (You know, someone should really write all those down.)  In Boy Scout camp, that meant you had to go get back in line and painstakingly wait for more lemonade while the other kids ate your seconds.  At home, that meant you had to refill the water jug in the refrigerator while your friends un-paused the video game you were all playing as they kill off your idle, helpless player in your absence.  In the office world, that means you have to put more paper in the printer.  You would do it for yourself, right?

When it comes to coffee, you don’t want to mess around, especially first thing in the morning.  If you take the last cup in the office at 7:31 in the morning, you better plan on filling that bad boy back up!  It’s bad karma if you don’t.  Here is a helpful chart to decide when to make more coffee:

Wednesday 7/21

Masters of Logistics 2


Well, sure, that gets rid of one blind spot, but . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 4/6

Ode to the Pothole

Oh, pothole, how devious you are!

In youth, you are unnoticeable and hardly felt under the suspension of our advanced vehicles.  At first, you do little more than gnaw our tires.  Our course remains undeterred and our conscience unmarred.  You are present without presence.  You, pothole, are but an acquaintance to be forgotten.

You grow in girth and in depth.  Your rubber appetite is becoming unquenchable.  Drivers avoid you like it is a game.  For now, you are avoidable, but nonetheless, our cars are built to sustain your bite when necessary.  We know of you, heard your name.  On a clear day, people evade you easily.  You are hungry and patiently waiting for your accomplice: the rain.

Under torrential rain, you wait under puddle, to claw at each unfamiliar driver.  You grow deeper with each strike, too, like gossip, adding fuel to your fire!  You are indiscernible among both pounding rain and sunny aftermath.  You hide like a chameleon, reflecting the world around you when filled, your most dangerous state.  Feast while opportune, pothole, because when you become well-known, you become problematic.  Then, the war begins.

We patch your gaping jaws, but you know it is temporary.  The next rain or freeze has all the potential to un-gag you, rip the tape from your mouth.  Rain equals wrath and the longer it rains, the longer you eat.  Enjoy.

Ironically, man built the roads you infest.  Construction neglect and failure to know the porous soil beneath roadways are your loopholes.  We indulge you with asphalt patchwork on which you gleefully feed.  You are a weed, unable to be nipped in the bud, a recurring nightmare, a cicada outside the bedroom window. 

We cover you, again and again, but you will never cease to exist, as long as red tape barricades solutions, as long as you are economically unviable to repair correctly, and as long as rain falls on this green earth. 

In other words, until the planet dries up, you will forever plague our streets.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 3/29

Yellow

To go, or not to go?  Isn’t that the split-second decision at almost every yellow traffic light?  Not many people like being forced to make decisions, especially quick ones, but it happens to people every day!  You approach an intersection and the traffic signal turns yellow.  You really only have tow choices: stop or coast through (speed through, for some of us).  Seems pretty basic, right?  There is something peculiar about yellow lights, however.  Intuitively, the more driving experience one has, the easier the decision should be to make.  It’s actually quite the opposite.

It seems like no matter how long you’ve been driving, a yellow light still has the potential to make you slam on your brakes of gun it through the intersection in frustration (or victory, depending on the person).  There are several factors that need to be adequately judged when confronted with the yellow signal.  Beginner drivers only know two things to think about: speed and distance remaining.  With practice, judging when you should go and when you should stop becomes easier.  There are times to “definitely go” and times to “definitely stop.”  But there are points where you would “probably go” and “probably stop.”  There’s also “not-sure-if-I-should-go-or-stop.”  The closer the two decisions get, the blurrier the decision.

Other variables muck up your decision-making process, though, and they stack up fast!  For example, are you towing anything?  Do you have kids in the car?  Are you familiar with how long the yellow light is (because let’s face it, some are annoyingly much longer than others)?  Is there a camera at the intersection?  Do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya?  All of these factors make the decision much more complicated.  A camera-monitored intersection (that is, if you know which ones are) probably sways more of your decisions to ‘stop.’  Same thing with toting kids or if you know it’s a short light.  If you’re towing a trailer, you might be more inclined to go.  Well, what if you’re towing a trailer and you have a car-full of kiddos and the intersection has a quick yellow and it’s monitored . . . and it turns yellow on you?  See?  Your brain thinks about this every time.

(The worst is when you’ve made up your mind and it happens to be on the riskier side of ‘go’ and all of a sudden you spot a police officer.  You can either freak out and slam on the brakes and get his attention or speed through and hope you don’t get his attention.)

Yellow lights essentially invoke you to make a bunch of decisions all at the same time.  Beginners don’t know to think about as many and so as it turns out, it’s a little easier.  Experienced drivers, on the other hand, have tons of yellows under their belt, but their brain goes through a lot more steps to get a decision.

You’re still going to get caught off guard sometimes by yellow.  It’s in their nature.  You can even have a bunch of general rules-of-thumb for every factor.  The problem is: you run out of thumbs pretty quickly!

By: S. Cole Garrett