Hot Toys For Christmas

What's going to be the crazy toy that no one can seem to get their hands on for Christmas?



I picked up plenty of real doggie doo when I was growing up (so we didn't run over it with the lawn mower).  This only brings back bad memories . . . hot, steamy piles of memories . . .

Tis the Season

Touchdown!!!!!!

Christmas and football.  This is definitely my favorite time of year.

Spooky Abe

I saw this picture on an advertising display at a grocery store.  Let's evaluate:

-Scary jack-o-lantern: check
-Burning Halloween text: check
-Bat and witch silhouettes upon full moon: check
-Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: . . . huh?

Since when was Pres #16 the subject of anyone's fright night?  I still chuckle when I see this and I still have no idea why he's in this picture, lol.  Anyone have a good explanation for us?  I sure don't.

Immortalized

Only true superstars make it onto a pumpkin . . .

If I Had a Dog

If I had a dog (which I don't, and don't intend to) . . .
and if I wanted to dress it up for Halloween (which I would probably never do in a life time) . . .
 . . . it would probably be this costume:

I'll Be Back

As much as I want the title of this post to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger reference, it's not.  There will not be any posts this week because I'll be on my honeymoon.  (Well, there is this post, but you get the picture.)  Actually, by the time you read this, I'm already long gone.  :)

SO!

In the meantime, feel free to check out the random post finder.  It's in the sidebar right over there below the welcome message.  Enjoy a blast from the past.  I like to think you can find something worthwhile in there.

Until next week!

Happy Blog-a-versary!

Happy 1-year Blog-a-versary to me!!


As of today, I've been officially blogging for a whole entire year!!  I can't help but keep putting two exclamation points!!  (I wish I had a cake right about now. . . chocolate . . .)

It kind of sneaked up on me, too.  I've been tirelessly working on building my other website, Blog Treader.  (It's my first site from scratch and let me tell you, it's an adventure.)  Once it's done, I'll stop missing posts here at Dry Humor Daily.

So let's see . . . how could I celebrate?
-Drink a 6 12 18 pack of Fat Tire?  (my favorite beer)
-Go to a restaurant and order a dessert-to-share, but eat it myself?
-Go cow-tipping?
-Watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles early-90s reruns?

Any other ideas?  :)

Wedding Week: Monday

Based on readers' suggestions, I've been posting themed weeks lately.  Two weeks ago was funny restaurant signs (check out the archives if you need to).  Last week was strange words.  This week is going to be about weddings.  More particularly, it will be about wedding stuff.

It may seem like kind of a random topic, but it's not.  In case you may not know, I'm getting married in about 5 weeks, so needless to say, wedding stuff is often on the brain.  I like to think you can find humor in any and everything.  Weddings, of course, are no exception.  (I also used to work at a place that hosted a lot of weddings, so I've been to a disproportionately high number of them.)

Let's talk about wedding favors.  I've seen pretty much everything.  I've seen candies, bubbles, picture frames, flowers, and everything in between.  One wedding I had worked at even handed out customized bottles of wine to each guest as they left.  (They even had two varieties!!)  The concept of wedding favors got me thinking: what do your wedding favors say about you?

Wedding favors are meant to be a "thank you for coming to our wedding" sort of thing.  For the most part, they make sense.  "Thanks for coming to our wedding, here's some candy."  "Thanks for coming to our wedding, here's a bouquet of flowers."  But Jordan almonds?  What crazy loons came up with that?  (Italians did, in case you're wondering.)  Jordan almonds are basically sugar/candy-coated almonds.  They are supposed to signify the bittersweetness of married life.  My response: what the heck kind of metaphor is that?!  The bittersweetness of married life?  Does that mean married couples are canoodling, soft, and sweet on the outside, but hard and bitter on the inside?  How charming. . .  I know married life usually isn't a fairy tale, always pixie dust and lemonade, but come on.  Let's at least lie to ourselves on the day of the wedding!

(I won't rant much longer, I promise.  One wedding favor that always made me laugh was the bubbles.  You know, the bubbles you're supposed to blow at the bride and the groom as they're leaving so they have some fun pictures of the send off?  Yeah.  No favor says "thanks for coming to our wedding" like bubbles.  "Hey, do us a favor and blow some bubbles as we leave for our honeymoon.")

In case you're curious, we're having home-made cupcakes as our wedding favors.  Also, if you're lucky enough to be off of work today for president's day, then have a nice day off!  (I'm jealous!)

Fardig

Fardig


Happy National Hug Day!  Go grab someone and squeeze 'em like a bear!  Garrrr!

Quick question.  My fiance said I should do a themed week on Dry Humor Daily.  Sounds cool, except I'm drawing a blank on what to do it on.  Any ideas or suggestions?  I'd love to hear.  And I'll give ya a shout out, too.  :)  Thanks in advance!

Have a great weekend.  Here's todays word verification (#20):

Fardig

-noun

1. A house or dwelling which is further away from other houses or dwellings.

Ex:  "My house?  I got a fardig just outside city limits."

2. An excessive distance to tunnel an escape from prison.

Ex: After a fardig from their jail cells, the convicts emerged beyond the outer security fence and fled.  

Word Verification #19

Word Verification #19


First off, too bad we don't live in medieval times, because today we would be celebrating this holiday.  (Trust me, you want to see what it is.  Don't worry, it's not a shameless ad or anything.  It really is funny.)

Second, I hope you like my new menu buttons.  I made them from scratch!  :)

And third, for any new readers out there, I like to find funny Captchas and post about them on Fridays.  This is better explained in the the first captcha post.  You should check it out if you need to get up to speed.

So finally, have a good weekend!  Here's today's:

Bongbor:

-noun

1. And uninteresting and un-entertaining beer-guzzling device

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

That's right.  I said it.  :-)

The Big 200!

The Big 200!


Today marks the 200th post on Dry Humor Daily!  I am absolutely ecstatic to have actual readers whom I've never met in my life who genuinely read and comment.  Thank you to ALL of you.  You keep me encouraged and continuing to write.  So what's on the docket, today?  I thought we could take a brief walk down memory lane, then reflect on one of my favorite posts: Wasps

Memory lane isn't even a year yet, but for anyone who hasn't been around since the beginning, this is the best only screen shot I could find of what DHD used to look like:

This was one of the default blogger templates I used from when I first started.  Isn't it cute?  (It was one of the few that didn't look so feminine ...)  I eventually changed this to the blue version of the same pattern, then to a modern-looking black and green something-or-other, then a messy desk, and finally the better-looking messy desk you see now (with the Christmas theme added by yours truly!).  

On to one of my favorite posts.  Enjoy!  And when you're finished, feel free to check out the very first post ever, (if you're into that sort of thing.)

Wasps

Do you have a favorite word? You should, if for no other reason than to have an answer the next time someone asks you. Maybe you like scientific words that no one else knows. Maybe you like words that sound funny. Maybe, in severe irony, you like the word hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (look it up). Or maybe you could care less about words all together. Well my favorite word is wasps.

Try it. Say “wasps.” The “s” followed by “p” followed again by “s” comes out of your mouth like you’re trying to get someone’s attention. Wasps. I suppose it works with any word ending with an “s,” consonant, and another “s.” Okay, now try these out loud. Lists. Cists. Mists. Wisps. Costs. Masts. Casts. Fasts. Feasts. Crisps. Wrists. Asps. Clasps. Heists (Is your tongue getting tired yet? Are you spitting everywhere?). The one that takes the cake, however, is lisps.

Forgive my speech impediment insensitivity here. Lisps, as is, sounds just like the rest of them. “S,” consonant, “s.” Here’s the kicker, though: say it with a lisp (without laughing and spitting). (My advice: never ask someone with a lisp to say it.) It would go something like this. Lithpth. Isn’t it a little ironic that the word which describes a condition when it’s difficult for someone to say the letter “s” has an “s” in the word? Not to mention, two if it’s plural!

Now try the words from before, this time with a lisp. Lithth. Mithth. Withpth. Cothth. Mathth. Cathth. Fathth. Feathth. Crithpth. Writhth. Athpth. Clathpth. Heithth. In this light, there’s a new cake-taker: Cists, which would sound more like thithth. Can anyone even manage that one? If you can, save yourself the embarrassment and don’t show all your friends.

I still have a soft spot for wasps, though. It seems to linger on your tongue a little longer than the other examples. The humor in its pronunciation (that is, if you’re amused by it like me) is completely contradictory to the menacing image of the insect itself. Also, it requires the lips to move in many different directions all within the same word.

Pick a word and arm yourself with the knowledge surrounding it. Roam confidently with your vocabulary prowess! If you ever enter into a word-war with someone, be prepared to throw down the heavy, hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobic hammer on them!

Originally posted: 3/15/10

Cell Me

Cell Me


This time of year, I go to the mall more often than I normally would in other months.  It just so happens that this time of year is the time when all of the extra kiosks open up in the middle of all of the walking areas.  What does that mean for my shopping experience?  It means it's extra annoying.

I hate it when the kiosk vultures try to get my attention.  I know you can't tell much by my profile picture, but do I look like the kind of person who wants to buy some honey-flax-seed-olive-oil-butter-cream-lotion-made-with-Caspian-Sea-water?  (Also, if you can't tell, the answer is no.)  Anyway, that's beside the point.  Just about the only thing worse than being flagged down for a feminine hygiene product pitch is the cell phone booth.

The T-Mobile booth or Verizon booth, whatever it may be, is always stocked with the worst of the worst.  If you make it on to one of their radars, they ask you about your cell service as you approach the kiosk, as you walk by it, and as you're walking off, as well.  (Even if you never acknowledge them once.)  And somehow, they remember you.  You see, in almost every mall I've ever been to, you have to pass by everything twice.  (Once to go where you need to go and again to make your way back to your car.)  So when you're making your return pass by the booth, they hassle you again and give you the eye as if the seventh time of asking you is the magic one.

It's not. . . . and it never is.  So freaking stop it already!

Do you have any mall kiosks in particular that annoy you the most?  Please share!  :)

Musical Liberty

Musical Liberty


Here at Dry Humor Daily, I like Christmas music.  I really do.  I prefer the older songs, but some of the new ones aren't so bad.  (You definitely have to skip over whatever came out in the 90s, though, hands down.)  Want to know what I don't like?  I don't like despise commercials which rewrite the lyrics to Christmas songs with words about crowded malls, nasty fruit cake, and unwelcome in-laws.  I wish I could explain it, but it simply annoys me to no end.  (Even writing about this makes me shake my head in disappointment at our creatively lacking advertising industry.)

Companies have been altering Christmas songs for years, but Garmin's versions a few holidays ago really tipped the scales.  Now, any company can pitch Garmin's success as reason enough to make their own cheesy version of the campaign.  Here's an example of one:



I have a question.  Does anyone know the actual words to Carol of the Bells?  (Better yet, I wonder how many people even know the name.)  Everyone I know just says the "merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.  Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas" part when it comes on.  (Oh, who am I kidding, that's just about all I can remember from year to year, too...)

Bottom line: companies should have their commercial privileges unceremoniously stripped once they head down this path.  Changing the words of Christmas songs is lame.  (Even if they are funny the first time around.)  End of story.

On a lighter note, thanks to all of you loyal readers and comment-leavers!  I appreciate your time and interest more than you know.  Just thought I would randomly mention that.  :)

Black Friday

Black Friday


I like shopping on Black Friday.  I enjoy the crowds and watching some people make fools of themselves.  The sales are good.  It's all around a fun experience for me.  Well, today was very different.

Nowhere that I had to go was completely packed or overrun by ravaging sale-seekers.  I went to Kohl's, Best Buy, and Wally World and I didn't have trouble finding parking once.  I never waited in any obscenely long line. And I didn't not find what I was looking for.  (Although I did forget something.  Oh well.)  Then I looked at my watch.  It was 9:00AM when I got to the first store, Kohl's.  Well no wonder it wasn't packed.  The really big crowds had already come and gone because Kohly's opened at 3AM this morning!  Three freaking AM!  That's only . . . like . . . three hours after yesterday!  Black Friday is literally becoming the whole day.  (Actually, some stores open at 10 the night before.  I guess that would be like Black-Thursday-Night, or Black-Black-Friday-Eve.)

Bah!  I think I liked it better when stores opened at normal times and crazy people just lined up early to get in before all of the other crazy people to get their Tickle-Me-Elmo before the other crazy guy with a gun shows up.

...

On another note, happy belated Thanksgiving!

AND

I was dog-sick two days before Thanksgiving, which explains why there was no post Wednesday.  (And no, it wasn't eggnog that made me sick.)

AND

Now I'm off to read all of y'all's blogs that I'm a little behind on.  :)

Eggnog

Eggnog


Need I say more?

That ain't no Christmas martini.  That's eggnog.  Oooooh yeah!  It's the seasonal beverage of choice here at Dry Humor Daily!  Eggnog is one of the top 5 best things about the period of time between Halloween and New Years.  And it's worth every thick, flavorful, all-around indulging calorie contained within!  (I'm not exactly sure what the other 4 top five best things are, but whatever they are, eggnog is up there with them!)

I'm a fan of Braums eggnog.  It has the best blend of spices in my opinion.  And I make special trips to get it.  (And let me tell you, it is special, because our Braums is a HUGE pain in the butt to get to.)  Anyway, my favorite, however, is the homemade variety of eggnog.  It's hard to find people you know who make it and will let you have some.  It's even harder to make your own batch and find other people who will help you finish it.  Why?  For some reason, folks get grossed out by raw egg yolks.  (You see, store-bought eggnog is most likely less than 1% raw egg.  It's delicious, but not as delicious.)

I don't know why some people make such a fuss about eating raw egg yolks.  At least with eggnog, you can add enough liquor ("nog") to kill any of those harmful, yolk-riding diseases within.  And it makes everyone at the Christmas party a little more social, if you know what I mean!  :)

Happy 6 Months!

6-Months of Blogging!!


As of yesterday, I've been officially blogging for 6 months!  I guess that's like a 6-month-versary.

Thank you to every single follower, subscriber, reader, and commenter!


I might not have made it this far without all of the encouragement I get from y'all.  I am really, really humbled that even that many people care what I have to say.  Now, I say, "Bring all your friends!"

So, in honor of Labor Day, I've decided not to labor.  I don't have to go to my real job today and I'm not setting out to amuse the public either.  I have, however, set up a few links to some of my favorite posts from waaaaaaaay back in the beginning, so you can either remember, or pretend you were there the first time around.  (I only wish I had some tacky screen shots of what my site used to look like.)

Purpose March 26, 2010

Wasps March 16, 2010

Engrained March 10, 2010

and my very first post ever, Glass Ceiling March 5, 2010

Again, thank you for reading!

Friday 8/13

Friday the 13^th

Happy Friday the 13^th!  I hope you’re not superstitious.  If you are, don’t start anything new and stay away from leaning ladders, questionable mirrors, indoor umbrellas, and black cats.  (Those bad luck charms don’t necessarily have anything to do with Friday the 13^th, but you definitely don’t want to compound the effects!) 

So what the heck is all the hype surrounding Friday the 13^th?  It’s really just a culmination of bad things that have happened on Fridays in history and the bad aura surrounding the number thirteen.  (By the way, the fear of Friday the 13^th is officially called friggatriskaidekaphobia.)  Honestly, we’ve kind of ruined it for ourselves, if you think about it. 

Black Friday sometimes refers to stock market crashes.  Basically, everyone who had money those times . . . lost a lot of money those times.  Jesus was supposedly crucified on a Friday.  Shopping is nightmarish (albeit entertaining) the day after Thanksgiving.  Things like that. 

The number thirteen is the kicker, though.  For some reason, thirteen makes people uncomfortable.  Thirteen is deeply rooted in even the not-so-superstitious.  Many tall buildings in the U.S. rename the 13^th floor.  One building that I used to work in actually had all of the mechanical services on the 13^th floor instead of businesses.  Thirteen is often tied to the bad luck of Apollo 13.  There were thirteen people at the last supper.  You can see why it would be so spooky.

Mathematically speaking, 12 is kind of a complete number.  It works really well with circles.  Adding 1 to make it 13 throws a kink into everything.  There are 12 months, 12 zodiacs, 12 apostles, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 hours on the clock, etc.  12s are everywhere, but not 13s because it obstructs the wholeness of 12. 

You know what I think?  Any day can be a bad day.  I’m sure plenty of disasters and deaths have occurred on Tuesdays and Sundays.  (And Mondays, and Wednesdays, and Thursdays, and Saturdays.)  And think about it, if we all survive the impending apocalypse in 2012, 2013 is going to be a pretty good year!

Superstitious or not, have a good weekend.  Just know that you just saw the number 13 in this post 13 times!

Monday 5/31

Happy Memorial Day


I'm taking the day off just like everyone else.

Thursday 4/22

Earth Day

Can you believe we’ve already been doing this for forty years?  Yep.  Earth day was started in 1970 because we, as an American people (full of hippies at the time), needed a shout out to raise conservation awareness!  It was, of course, specifically aimed at the government.  (Apparently, claiming a day is enough to get the government’s attention.)  But what’s it for?  What are you supposed to do?  Well, here’s a guide.  You just need to figure out what group you would most likely be in, and see what they do.

#1 If you were the Earth, you could…

Spin on your axis and orbit the sun.  (That’s not a euphemism, so don’t get any ideas.)  There aren’t too many members of this club, so don’t get excited.

#2 If you were a hippie, you could…

Handcuff yourself to a tree and proclaim your love for nature, wearing bell-bottomed jeans and your favorite, tie-dyed, antique-of-a-T-shirt.  And if someone asks you why you look like a hippie, you could just tell them you’re a Scooby doo fanatic.  (Or tell them the truth, they’re gonna think you’re weird either way.)

#3 If you were a politician, you could…

Announce your big Earth Day plans (none of which involve getting your hands dirty), hoping to gain poll popularity and a good photo op to use in a future election so you can say, “See? I do care about the Earth.”  Then, tomorrow, you can return to lobbying against the Environmental Protection Agency.

#4 If you were a tree, you could…

Stand in your infinite glory, basking in the one day of the year when almost the entire world acknowledges our reliance upon you for the air we breathe and the eternal beauty you radiate upon us!  (Wait, I thought is was Earth Day?  Yeah, well, we sure seem to talk about trees a lot on Earth Day, even though we already have an Arbor Day. . . those trees are day-hogs.)

#5 If you were an average person, you could…

Bake an Earth cake and bring it to the office or throw a party at your house (an environmentally friendly party, of course).  Or if you don’t have time, you could just let this Earth Day slip into the realm of non-historic days to be forever forgotten.  (Kind of like last Thursday.)  Don’t be ashamed if you end up in this group, most of us do.

 Earth Day has probably outlived its purpose.  I mean, it’s not even a bank holiday!  (And I don’t work for a bank, but come on!)  At least now, you’ve given it at least one moment of thought in your mind.  Now, you can go and forget about it for another 364 days.

By: S. Cole Garrett