Pardon My Dust

Over the next week or so, I'll be making some design changes to Dry Humor Daily.  I hope you all like them!  :) (I know I'm excited.)

I've started a facebook page for Dry Humor Daily.  Be one of the first to hop over there and "like" it!  (Of course, it's still being created, too.)

Thanks everyone!

Attached

Attached


Have you ever sent an email and promised an attachment, but forget to actually attach something?  (You're not alone.)  Then, you have to post-proclaim your brain lapse by writing a follow-up email, usually containing a "duh" or an "oops."  Sounds intelligent, doesn't it?

If this sounds like you, I have a solution:  Gmail.  (I promise Dry Humor Daily is not a google spokesperson.  They just keep coming up with good stuff!)  Here's a message you might get from gmail if you forget your attachment:

I remember thinking, as a matter of fact, I did mean to attach something.  Thanks, gmail!  (I might have actually said it out loud to myself.)  Anyway, pretty cool, huh?  From now on, I don't have to be that person: the notorious attachment-forgetter.  

What will they come up with next?  (Hopefully, teleportation or light sabers, you know, something cool like that!)

Gas Power

Gas Power

Did you know some farmers power their farms with gas?  I know, duh, right?  Well, somehow we got on this subject yesterday at work.  Believe it or not, I'm not talking about the kind of gas you use for your stove.  I'm talking about another type:

I'm talking about the crap produced by these guys: cows.  Yep.  Some farming establishments have developed a process of filling pits full of manure and capturing the methane rising from it and converting it into usable gas which powers their operation.  No bull.

Think we should all be driving fewer SUVs?  Think again.  The beef industry (more importantly, the belching and flatulent byproducts of it) accounts for multiple times the atmospheric destruction than all of the vehicles on the planet combined.  Now that stinks!  The truth is: more farmers should be doing this.  Maybe Dry Humor Daily can power its site this way, too.  (On second thought, never mind that.)

So what do you do with this information?  Call your senator, of course!  And demand methane-powered farming!  

On a cleaner, fresher-smelling note, Dry Humor Daily just had its 10,000 page view.  Yay!

Swagger

Swagger


Is Mick Jagger the only thing that rhymes with "swagger?"  Both Kesha and the Black-eyed Peas have used that rhyme scheme in a radio single this year.  Kesha kind of got away with it because she was the first.  (Even still, it was lame.)  Then the Black-eyed Peas?  Come on.  Even I could do better.  How about "dagger" or "snagger" or even "snag her?"

...."lagger"

...."flagger"

.... .... "bagger"

Anyone else got any bright ideas?  Our leading pop musicians definitely need some help!

Makeover and a Laugh

Makeover and a Laugh


I made some changes to my blog header and background.  Whaddya think?  :)

I poked around the code long enough to find where Dry Humor Daily's images were being held captive.  I copied them into Adobe Fireworks and went to town!  I then hosted them on photobucket and replaced the old image links in my template with the new ones.  And Voila!!  Depending on the zoom in your browser, it might be a little choppy around the edges, but hey!  It was my first try at my own template (at least manipulating the images, that is.)  (I promise, the next one will be even more awesome!)

So that's the makeover bit, but what about the laugh?  Well, I saw this on one of Google's webmaster tools that I use:

Google cracks me up.  In a world where everything has to be so serious, it's nice to break the monotony with quirky things like this.  I hope you get a chuckle out of it, too.

(Actually, I did have to go outside after reading this to fix a light on my car, which for some people is like playing.  LOL.)

Word Verification #5

Word Verification #5

I’ve officially decided to start doing funny Captcha posts every Friday.  (My brother gave me the idea and I like it.)  This way, they can be evenly spaced and stop hogging other days of the week.  Wednesdays have feelings, too, you know! 

Don’t expect any awesomely amazing alliterative alias for the series of posts, though, for example “Funny Fridays” or “Wacky Wednesdays.”  That’s just silly.  This is Dry Humor Daily, not Silly Sally Sells Seashells by the Seashore Humor Daily.

Alas!  Wait no more.  Here is number 5 in the series:

Cosuck:

-verb

1. To share a milk shake with someone, by means of mutually exclusive straws

2. To vacuum with a partner

Ex: We cosucked the house in half the time!

3. To perform a task poorly as a group, especially in sports

Ex: “Well, team.  We really cosucked out there, today.  We lost the game by a landslide!”

Suggestions Welcome

Suggestions Welcome!


I've been making small changes around my blog, lately, some more noticeable than others.  I wanted to point out one in particular.  It's called "The box":

It's a suggestion box.  If there is anything in the world you would like a Dry Humor Daily perspective on, just let me know.  I could always use a good idea for a post (and of course you'll get a shout-out and a link-back in return).  You just click it and your default email provider should create a new email message addressed to me with "Suggestion" in the subject line.  Then, just type your post suggestion and send it!  (And of course, keep a lookout for the response post.)

Until tomorrow!  :)

Seven Whys

Seven Whys

Kate, from I Dream Loudly, ceremoniously chose me to continue a trend of bloggers making lists of seven things.  (Thank you, Kate.)  No rules, just a list of seven things.  It’s something new for me.  I’ll take a crack at it!

So I thought, why not “whys?”  After all, it’s a good opportunity to use the word “whys” multiple times in the same post.  And I’m always having wandering thoughts which typically end in the same age-old question: why.  Without further ado, the following is a list of seven things I’ve just happened to be wondering about lately:

#1 Why don’t they just call polar bears “North Polar Bears?”  If you ask me, the current name is misleading.

#2 Why does the New York Times use the phrase “Best Seller?”  I mean, really, can’t there be only one book that is the best seller?  I think they should call them “Really, Really Good sellers.”

#3 Why is curiosity uniquely lethal to felines?  I don’t see a connection.

#4 Why do we still use the term “rush hour?”  Everyone knows that there is really only about one hour out of the day when you can drive freely.  3 AM.

#5 Why don’t we call laptop computers something more appropriate?  Like desktop computers.  (What?  Desktop is already taken?  Well, crap.  That was all I could think of…)

#6 Why don’t we all start calling airbags what they really are?  Gas bags.  Nitrogen is usually what inflates them, not regular ol’ air.

#7 Why are ice cubes designated as cubes?  Most of the ice I’ve ever seen is rectangularly prismatic or some other obscure polyhedron.  Or crushed.  (I know rectangularly isn’t a word, by the way.)

So there.  Straight from my brain to yours: my seven . . . things list.

Methuselah

Methuselah

This is a real non-profit organization:

I guess you can expect miraculous results . . . eventually, that is.

Tuesday 7/27

Better Names 2

A couple of weeks ago, there was a post about things with mal-descriptive names followed by suggested (and slightly more accurate) ones.  The list is endless.  At the very least, it continues here:

Name Is:                                 Name Should Be:

Fruit Cake                              “Fruit” Cake

I don’t know if you realize this, but that’s not fruit in there.

Tooth Brush                           Teeth Brush

I brush more than one tooth at time.  That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

Hot Dog                                  Mystery Tube

Hot?  Sure.  Dog?  Depends, where did you buy it?

Casserole                               Pan-amalgamate

First of all, it sounds like a “roll”.  And I’ve never eaten one in roll form.  I googled “Cass.”  That didn’t help explain it either.  (Actually, casserole is derived from the French word casse, which means “saucepan”… still doesn’t help.)

Glasses                                   Plastics

Glass glasses lenses are becoming sort of a novelty.  Plus, they can charge you more for super plastic.  Might as well call it what it is.

Restroom                                Business Room

Does anyone really find rest in the rest room?  I certainly don’t find it relaxing.  And neither the smell of ammonia nor bleach put me to sleep. 

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 7/13

Better Names

Sometimes, the names we use for things really miss the mark, don’t they?  They should invite more people to these imaginary naming conventions because I think, collectively, we could do a lot better.  Here are a few examples among the thousands upon thousands out there:

Name is:                                 Name should be:

Rubber Cement                     Rubber Glue

-There’s nothing “cement-y” about it.  It’s just rubbery.

Peanut Butter                        Peanut Spread

-Butter?  Last time I checked, peanuts don’t come from cows.

Cursive                                   Socially acceptable sloppiness

-They should stop making kids learn cursive in elementary school and just move the curriculum to med school.

Refried Beans                        Mashed beans

-They’re not even fried once.  I mean, come on…

Highlighter                             Yellow marker

-I’m just calling it how I see it.

Sport Utility Vehicle              Utility Vehicle

-Bottom line: not sporty.  Maybe they should try “Small” utility vehicle.

By: S. Cole Garrett

For the Weekend

Slow Lane

Every waking moment, there’s a mysteriously-growing nuisance in our country.  It’s called the fast lane.  I’m not talking about the far left lane on the freeway, either.  It is the self-checkout lane at grocery stores.  They’re good for just about one thing: that is, when you only buy one thing!  And it can’t be produce, lightweight, or bags of ice! 

The idea behind the fast lane goes something like this:

Once upon a time, before the 1960s, when hippies and bellbottoms hadn’t come about yet, and kitchens were decorated in turquoise and goldenrod, there was essentially one way to purchase your groceries at the supermarket: any of the one type of checkout lines.  So if all you needed was milk and bread, and the person in front of you was buying enough food to feed an army for a month, then tough luck, you had to wait.  Doing your shopping for thanksgiving dinner at your place?  Better make it an all-day outing (most of it, waiting in line at the checkout). 

Perhaps it was all the throwing-around of the “s” word (segregation) in the sixties that inspired the brainchild of the express lane.  It was a hit!  People with lots of stuff, go over here, and people with not-a-lot of stuff, go over there.  Customers who needed to buy only a few items didn’t have to risk waiting behind the lady with seventy cans of cat food.  So it goes, supermarkets caught on and soon ran two, or three, or more express checkout lanes. 

This is where things might as well have been left alone.  But in the early 1990s, someone invented the ever-convenient self-checkout, or the fast lane.  Alas!  An even faster means to pay for your groceries!  Or is it?  As it turns out, most of the benefit derived from the fast lane is for the supermarket itself.  It can run up to four or six lanes with just one employee.  Jackpot!  I even went to a store once where the only option was self-checkout.  I’ll admit, I was a little offended.  Therein lies a fundamental error.  Retailers are assuming that we actually want or like to ring up our own things. 

There are plenty of do-it-yourself things I like to do: mow the yard, fix the house, fluff my pillow, assemble my kids’ toys, etc.  But asking me to ring up my groceries at the store is like asking me to cook my own food at a restaurant.  That kind of defeats the purpose!  Pretty soon, I’ll be pumping my own gas and answering my own door. . . oh wait, I already do. 

Oh please, super-duper-ultra shop-ville-mart, please don’t steal one of the last, lavish, little liberties in life.  Just check me out!

By: S. Cole Garrett

3/17/10

First Attempt (Seriously)

Glass Ceiling


It was a time when male and female aviators alike traversed the Atlantic, a time of presidential mediocrity at best, when television birthed into broadcast media, when the pan-solvent penicillin proved a powerful ally to medicine, a famous rodent took the screen for the first time, inklings of great companies emerged, both summer and winter Olympians still competed in coinciding years, natural disasters shook, pelted, covered, and flooded the earth, and the US economy was on the brink of catastrophic collapse. In 1928, the singular, inventive, and irrevocably greatest innovation in modern history posted the benchmark of all benchmarks:
Sliced Bread.
So simple. So convenient. Yet every invention, incredible idea, brilliant brainchild, and epidemic-eliciting entrepreneurial-ship, despite any fathomable and formidable fame, cannot amount to the infamy of sliced bread! Of the highest regards for things of superior nature, we proclaim them “The best thing since sliced bread” as if the ingenuity of it is infinitely approachable but unsurpassable. Take music, for example. The 8-track may very well have been the best thing since sliced bread. Cassettes soon replaced 8-track, and compact discs booted cassettes, and the Moving Pictures Expert Group developed the basis for the current phenomenon, the MP3. CDs aren’t the best thing since cassettes, but the best since sliced bread. Cassettes drop to the forgotten realm not in, but even beneath, the shadows of the convenience bakery product. MP3 will someday banish CDs and eventually be bested itself. Each innovation is a brief shining light of a blazing meteor descending unsustainably into an acidic, ruthless and callous atmosphere lorded-over by sliced bread, the constant in our universe. Do not be saddened by the impending fame-failure of every future hall-of-famer, technological breakthrough, anomaly discovery, and kitchen fad. Instead rejoice daily in the toaster-compatible, sandwich-loving, safety-minded, portion-friendly commodity we all to often take for granted, a conveniently-packaged, pre-sliced loaf of freshly-baked, sliced bread.

By: S. Cole Garrett
3/3/10