Google Makes Me Laugh

Google Makes Me Laugh

I use Google Chrome as my web browser.  After the first couple of days of trying it, I was hooked.  I downloaded Chrome on all both of my computers and never looked back.  It works wonderfully with Gmail, it’s fast, and it’s very user friendly.  (There’s one website that I use at work that doesn’t like Chrome, however, so I do sometimes have to stoop to Internet Explorer.  And I mean “stoop” in a loving way.) 

I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s perfect.  If it were, no one at Google would have a job.  Chrome bombed on me the other day, mind you, only for about 2 minutes.  I launched the browser and tried new tabs, but this was all I got:

“Aw, Snap!”?  I couldn’t help but laugh.  I didn’t know what was funnier: the x-ed eyes on the sad, file-folder-of-death or the cliché, Tracey Morgan catch phrase.  I immediately deemed it worthy of a screen shot and a blog post. 

It’s nice to know that the folks over at Google have a sense of humor.  After a little bit of investigation, I realized I’m not the only one who thinks this is funny.  You can even buy an “Aw, Snap!” T-shirt.

(I’m pretty sure it says “GEEK” in big, bold letters on the back, too.)

Word Verification #2

Word Verification #2

Last week, I decided to start taking screen shots of amusing captchas (at least, amusing to me) and defining them in my own words.  Here is the second in the series.

Arlatch:

-adjective

1.  The opposite of their latch

-noun

2.  A sliding-bar fastening device for a gate or door, especially one worthy of a pirate 

Sublime

Sublime

This topic comes to you from the suggestion box!  If you haven’t dropped me a note in there yet, you definitely should.  (If it’s not working for you, just email me: s.cole.garrett@gmail.com) 

“Hey cole,
Why don't you write about subliminal advertising I remember you telling me about that one time and I found it incredibly interesting!”

Good suggestion!  I’m amazed by all of the controversy surrounding subliminal advertising.  Some people get really heated about one side of the argument or the other.  Does it really work?  Is it a waste of time and money?  Does it really create a propensity to buy?  Does it protect me from die-hard twilight fans?  The truth is: the evidence is piling up for both sides of the argument (with the exception of twilight fans).  So like a lot of things, you kind of have to decide for yourself.  The irony is: subliminal advertising a simple concept on the surface, but very complex the more you study it.  I can just give you the facts.

If you google “subliminal advertising,” you’ll no doubt find a slew of examples, many of them utilizing another popular advertising strategy: sex.  In an effort to keep my blog as clean as always, I’m going to present a couple of lesser-known subliminal advertising examples.  (As a matter of fact, you’re probably still wondering about sex, even though I said I wasn’t going to talk about it.) 

Exxon

When do you need to put gas in your car?  When it runs out?  (Hopefully, you don’t wait that long.  I did, once…) How do you know you’re low?  You look at your gas meter which is typically a needle pointing to an “E,” right?  Take a look at the Exxon logo.  Is it just me, or does the line crossing both x’s resemble a needle conveniently pointing to the “E” in Exxon?  Hmm…  When you see this sign enough, like, say, driving to work every day, your brain will make the connection for you and you’ll never even know it.  As a matter of fact, you don’t even have to look directly at it, your peripherals can pick up the subliminal message, “Come get gas at Exxon when you’re almost empty.”  Scary, huh?

Marlboro

Quick, what is the signature color for Marlboro?  Red!  And their spokesman was an iconic . . . cowboy!  Older people, especially, probably have a pretty good mental image of the Marlboro man right now.  Others can at least picture the Marlboro red box.  Research has been done which reveals that for Marlboro smokers, even the sight of the shade of red lights up the part of the brain where cravings come from.  Well, Altria, formerly known as Phillip Morris, is known for paying bar owners to redecorate their bars in red themes: red seats, red booths, red lights, etc. 

A side note on cigarettes.  Ever notice how big the surgeon general’s warning is on a pack of cigarettes?  It turns out, the same research mentioned above also showed that the sight of the surgeon general’s warning produced the same craving level as any other craving-causer.  Why would tobacco companies want to change it?  In a twisted way, the government is sort of, well, paying for them to sell more cigarettes.  How does that make you feel?  J

Impossible Savings

Impossible Savings

You’ve seen all of the commercials . . .

Let me see if I understand correctly.  If I take my current annual premium for auto insurance, $1,380, then knock of 15% by switching to GEICO, I’ll only pay $1,173 per year. 

Then I switch to All State and save another $348.  Now I’m at $825.  So if I switch to AAA, then to Progressive, and finally to State Farm, then I’ll be paying negative $564*!  So does that mean they’re paying me to drive my car around? 

What are we all waiting for!?  Get to switchin’!

Special Sunday Post

Blog With Substance


I usually don't post on the weekends, but here it is: Special Sunday Edition!

I recently received an award for my blog.  Actually, it's my first one.  It was given to me by Booya Bobby.
It is the "Blog With Substance" award.

I know it's kind of feminine, but what do you expect when a majority of bloggers out there are women?

My job now is to sum up my blogging experience, philosophy, and motivation into 5 words.

#1 Relieving
-I discovered that blogging is a perfect way to dump all of those excess thoughts running around my head.

#2 Enlightening
-Now I know how little I really knew about the internet...and now I'm learning.

#3 Enjoyable
-I guess this falls under the philosophy category.  My unofficial slogan is "Think, laugh, and maybe even learn something."  Hopefully, one of those activities is enjoyable to readers.

#4 Practice
-I'd like to be published one day.  Blogging is a means by which to practice style and theme.  It's also my own personal lesson to myself in discipline.  I post Monday through Friday, rain or shine (metaphorically speaking).  I've missed very few and I'm happy about that.

#5 Community
-The blogging community is exactly that.  Among all of the B-Level blogging going on out there, I've run across some real A-List bloggers, people who really read and comment.  They have great content, too.  It's a fulfilling community.

Now, I'm tasked with passing on the award to 10 others.  So, here they are:

MattBaxx
Ups Downs All Arounds
From the Stupidest Corner of My Mind
It Is a Big Deal, It Is to Me!
Quintessence
Little Lost Soul
Red Pen, Inc.
This Ain't PMS
Bianca and the B-Sides
Diary of a Doll

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Word Verification #1

Word Verification #1

I try to make it out there and comment on lots of other blogs.  I’m starting to discover that the more you put into the blogsphere, the more you ultimately get out of it.  As silly as it sounds, even commenting can be different among all of those blogs out there.  Some people monitor the comments that come through their sites.  In other words, they read all submitted comments and upon approval, publish them.  Other bloggers, myself included, just let ‘em fly!  No filtering. 

There’s another method of filtering out comments which is built into most blogging platforms.  It’s called word verification.  Maybe you’ve heard of captcha?  You know, that squiggly or blurry word that you have to read and type in order to do something secure on some websites?  (I don’t have it activated on Dry Humor Daily.)  It’s a way to deter computer programs from systematically spamming blogs via comments.  Anyway, most of the time, they aren’t real words.  It’s designed that way.  They’re seemingly random combinations of letters and each verification software is a little different.  Well, sometimes, those random letters form what look almost like legitimate words. 

One day, I started taking screen shots of the almost-words.  Now, I’m starting a series of defining them for you in my own words.  Every time I find another good one, you’ll soon see a post about it.  So here’s the first one:

Haffle:

-noun

1. Of or pertaining to the portion of a waffle not in excess of 50% and no less than half

-verb

2. The act of being partially indecisive

-adjective

3. Highly baffled

In Defense of Jelly, Pepper, and Eggs

In Defense of Jelly, Pepper, and Eggs

Jelly, pepper, and eggs?  I’m sure you’re wondering what in the world those three items have in common. 

-“They’re all foods!”

As true as that is, that’s not the point.  Jelly, pepper, and eggs all suffer from the same spotlight deficiency: second place blues.  They’re all overshadowed by another.  Without these, their counterparts may have never gotten their big break.  This is the case for jelly, pepper, and eggs: star supporters!

Jelly

Jelly puts the J in PB&J. . . literally.  Without it, it’s just not a sandwich.  There would be no personality.  But we always say “peanut butter and jelly,” not “jelly and peanut butter.”  Jelly always gets ripped.  Peanut butter gets to fly first from the tongue while jelly ensues as an easily-misconstrued afterthought.  January 24 is National Peanut Butter day in the U.S. and April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich day.  But poor, second-place Jelly has no day all for itself.  But peanut butter would be nothing if it weren’t for jelly.  Jelly makes the mood.  Need some nostalgia?  Try grape jelly or strawberry.  Business lunch?  Go for the pepper jelly.  Exotic escape?  How about some cactus or dragonfruit jelly?  Next time you see jelly, thank him.

Pepper

Pepper takes its side-seat to salt.  Sure, salt makes everything taste good, but pepper is what brings the spice to the party.  Pepper is what makes your tongue dance, not salt.  Sadly, pepper has been getting the shaft since pre-history.  Both salt and pepper were once valuable and tradable commodities, but salt was the one which ultimately became the base for a very commonly used word today: salary.  And pepper, well, now it’s just the shaker with fewer holes.  (Unless you’re in the UK.  They’re looking out for pepper.)

Eggs

Ham and eggs, anyone?  “Sure!”  Bacon and eggs?  “Any time!”  Who’s up for eggs?  “Um, got any ham or bacon to go with it?”  Society doesn’t let eggs stand alone.  Eggs are never enough.  We even have substitutes for eggs because they can do a number on you cholesterol.  Well you shouldn’t eat ham or bacon by itself either!  Give eggs some credit.  They’ve sat complementarily silent for so long and never complained.  And we’ve been eating them as long as we can remember.  Here’s to the egg: a second-place survivor!

There are many other pair-makers out there which should lest be overlooked.  For now, shed thanks on these three: jelly, pepper, and eggs.

Things They Don't Tell You Before You Have Kids

Things They Don't Tell You Before You Have Kids #1


You might as well just buy a family cow and plant your own apple tree.

This really is my fridge.  That's like a gallon of milk per kid!

No No

No No

Geography lesson:  Texas and Mexico share a border of something like 1,200 miles.

Movement lesson:  More people immigrate from Mexico to Texas than from Texas to Mexico.  (Legally or not.)

Linguistics lesson:  We don’t speak the same language!

What happens when two very different cultures start mixing together?  It’s not actually all that bad.  We can go down the street and pick up some amazing (and as far as we know, authentic) Mexican food.  We have Taco Trucks, which are basically like ice cream trucks, except they sell burritos.  Depending on how you look at it, those migrants add to our work force, too! 

This can be good for businesses, as well.  A diverse population is also a diverse market.  (I’m making my way to my point, here.)  And dealing with a multi-lingual market demands some special accommodations.  We have English and Spanish radio stations and billboards.  We have aisles at most grocery stores with many Mexican products and ingredients.  Unfortunately, cultural progression is not immune to ignorance.

I was paying for my groceries at CVS the other day and at some point after I swiped my debit card, I got the usual “Is this the amount you would like to put on your card?” prompt.  Here are your possible selections:

Do you really think that someone who speaks Spanish but not English couldn’t translate “No” without any help?  THEY’RE EVEN SPELLED AND PRONOUNCED EXACTLY THE SAME!  I don’t think it’s assuming too much to omit the second “No” on their credit/debit prompts.  No one is going to be left scratcing their heads without it.

For the record, I’m not really offended on any level.  I just think it’s funny how sometimes accommodation defies common sense.

Suggestions Welcome

Suggestions Welcome!


I've been making small changes around my blog, lately, some more noticeable than others.  I wanted to point out one in particular.  It's called "The box":

It's a suggestion box.  If there is anything in the world you would like a Dry Humor Daily perspective on, just let me know.  I could always use a good idea for a post (and of course you'll get a shout-out and a link-back in return).  You just click it and your default email provider should create a new email message addressed to me with "Suggestion" in the subject line.  Then, just type your post suggestion and send it!  (And of course, keep a lookout for the response post.)

Until tomorrow!  :)

Only Choice

Only Choice

For the last few nights, we've been watching the Lord of the Rings movies.  I watched them once when they first came out and never revisited them.  I never read the novels, so when the movies were released, I wasn't overly excited.  I saw them because I knew Lord of the Rings was a big deal and the films were sure to be Epic. And they certainly were.  (They also made a sensation out of director Peter Jackson.  Even though many scenes from the trilogy were visually stunning, the directing really wasn't anything special.)

Anyway, the part of the movie I'm about to refer to doesn't have to do with directing.  It actually concerns the screenplay.  Recall the scene in the Fellowship of the Ring (if you've seen it) where the fellowship is being formed.  The secret council is trying to decide how (or who) to dispose of the "one ring."  The camera zooms in on the lead elf, Elrond, and he declares emphatically:

"We have only one choice!"

(He's talking about how Frodo has to take the ring to Mount Doom.)

(Yes, that's the creepy agent guy from the Matrix.)

Now, I've posted about oxymorons before and they should never, EVER be ignorantly inserted into such a well-respected series like Lord of the Rings.  "One choice?"  Not really much of a choice, is it?  If there is only one option, then there is no choosing to do.  Duh.  I understand that whoever wrote that line was just trying to be dramatic, but it was poorly executed.

What Elrond should have said was, "We have no choice!"  It's just as dramatic yet grammatically inoffensive.

The rumor is that The Hobbit might soon become a film, made by the same folks.  (I actually did read that one.)  So . . . if anyone knows the decision makers over there, let 'em know you know a good screenplay writer (at least, a better one).  :)

Shakespeare

Shakespeare


I saw this picture and was intrigued enough to post it myself, as well, with my own first thoughts.  (Thanks, to whoever found it first.)

It's some sort of public out house, but with a theater audience.  I don't think this is what Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote King John.

I bet the acting is crappy on that stage . . .

Seven Whys

Seven Whys

Kate, from I Dream Loudly, ceremoniously chose me to continue a trend of bloggers making lists of seven things.  (Thank you, Kate.)  No rules, just a list of seven things.  It’s something new for me.  I’ll take a crack at it!

So I thought, why not “whys?”  After all, it’s a good opportunity to use the word “whys” multiple times in the same post.  And I’m always having wandering thoughts which typically end in the same age-old question: why.  Without further ado, the following is a list of seven things I’ve just happened to be wondering about lately:

#1 Why don’t they just call polar bears “North Polar Bears?”  If you ask me, the current name is misleading.

#2 Why does the New York Times use the phrase “Best Seller?”  I mean, really, can’t there be only one book that is the best seller?  I think they should call them “Really, Really Good sellers.”

#3 Why is curiosity uniquely lethal to felines?  I don’t see a connection.

#4 Why do we still use the term “rush hour?”  Everyone knows that there is really only about one hour out of the day when you can drive freely.  3 AM.

#5 Why don’t we call laptop computers something more appropriate?  Like desktop computers.  (What?  Desktop is already taken?  Well, crap.  That was all I could think of…)

#6 Why don’t we all start calling airbags what they really are?  Gas bags.  Nitrogen is usually what inflates them, not regular ol’ air.

#7 Why are ice cubes designated as cubes?  Most of the ice I’ve ever seen is rectangularly prismatic or some other obscure polyhedron.  Or crushed.  (I know rectangularly isn’t a word, by the way.)

So there.  Straight from my brain to yours: my seven . . . things list.

Definition Overload

Definition Overload

I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve said this:  English is probably one of the hardest languages to learn (assuming it’s not your first).  With all of the homonyms, homophones, and the 7 different ways to pronounce the letter combination “-ough”, it can get confusing in a hurry.  In addition to words being able to be pronounced in different ways, countless words out there have many different meanings.  Even worse: we have some words with countless meanings.

Okay, well not countless, but many indeed!  Don’t ask how, but I got to wondering: exactly which English word has the most definitions?  (I swear, sometimes I have the curiosity of a six-year-old.)  So, I took a crack at it and guessed “run.”  I figured you can run a marathon, run a software application, have a good run (like a winning streak), run for a political office, a well can run dry,  or you can get a run in a piece of fabric.  Anyway, lo and behold!  I was pretty darn close.  “Run” is the word with the second highest number of definitions.  And I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I found out just how many meanings of “run” actually exist. 

Oxford dishes out 396 definitions for the word “run”!  (All of a sudden, my six weren’t so exciting.)

Even more impressively, “run” is not only second place, it’s a distant second place.  Any idea what the first place word is?  (Don’t worry if you guess wrong.  I did, too.  I was way off!)

The word “set” clocks in at 464 different meanings!  (Different enough, that is.)  Crazy, huh?  If you care enough to find a list of them, you’ll find that many of the definitions are very similar.  But even still, 464 is shocking. 

So what do you do with a bit of random trivia like this?  Impress your friends by knowing which words means most.  And if that doesn’t impress your friends, well, you could learn to ride a unicycle. 

Honorable Mentions:  Go, Fall, Put, and Stand are all over 250!

Good Luck

Good Luck

“Find a penny, pick it up.  All day long you’ll have good luck!”

Everyone knows that saying, right?  Even further, you should only pick up a penny if it is heads up.  A tails-down cent would be not-so-ironically bad luck.  Well, I was going home for lunch last week and as I parked my car and got out, I immediately noticed a penny on the pavement.  In less than a half-second, I rationalized that because the penny was tails up, it would be against my better judgment to collect it.  I didn’t skip a beat.  I just trotted right past it.  (I don’t think I’m superstitious, but maybe I’m lying to myself.)  Then I got to thinking (because I can’t help myself): what makes a penny lucky, let alone a heads-up penny?

Like everything, I gave it some serious thought.  I decided that there are basically two schools of thought when it comes to penny-picker-uppers.  There are those who believe in their implied good fortune, and then there are those who do not.

#1 Non-believers

Don’t believe in luck?  Then you really only have to ask yourself one question: Is your lumbar workout worth one cent?  If it is, then by all means, get to bending.  If not, then leave it for the next passer by. 

#2 Believers

I believe you make your own luck.  In other words, if you think rabbits’ feet and pennies are lucky, then in your own mind, they are good fortune.  Pick that penny up!  Heck, you could even pay it forward by passing it on to someone else.

That answers the most basic question.  Pennies are only lucky if you think they are.  But what’s the story behind them?  And what makes the obverse side of this coin lucky and reverse not?  It’s actually  mildly interesting. 

Metal was originally considered a gift from the Gods (Gods, meaning those of the Greeks and Romans).  Metal was (and is) extremely useful for making both weapons and armor.  Bare flesh doesn’t do so well against a sharpened iron spear.  Not now, and not thousands of years ago.    So, if you were an ancient Roman walking along one of those famous roads of yours and you just happened to stumble upon some metal, it would be considered a blessing.  A sort of being-smiled-upon by deities.  Metal was officially a symbol of luck.

Many currencies around the world began to be made from metals and the charm just stuck.  Finding money became lucky.  Finally, somewhere along the line, pennies became, well, lucky enough to be considered lucky.  As for the heads-up status?  It’s still a mystery.  Maybe it has to do with Abraham Lincoln smiling at you as you grow one cent richer. 

Any other ideas, please share.  :) 

Family Ride

Family Ride


I'll bet their kids hate the words, "Road Trip."

Methuselah

Methuselah

This is a real non-profit organization:

I guess you can expect miraculous results . . . eventually, that is.

Proofreading 101

Proofreading 101

Editing and proofreading isn’t always just about finding spelling errors in books and articles.  You have to check grammar, verb agreement, and verb tense consistency.  A document needs to stay true to the purpose behind writing it in the first place.  (This is why some people make a living doing it.  It’s harder than it sounds.)  Almost anything you could think of that has words should probably be proofread.  Fortunately for us, not everything is. 

Here’s something people don’t always think to review: Uniform Resource Locators.  (Uniform whaty-whats?)  URLs.  Website addresses.  (Like http://dryhumordaily.blogspot.com/).  We can even screw up something as simple as that.  Here, I’ve rounded up a few humorous examples of URL oversight.  All of these still work, by the way.  And they’re safe.

#1 www. whorepresents.com

-This is for that special someone on your Christmas list

#2 www.penisland.net  

-Probably not a good spot for a first date

#3 www.experts-exchange.com  (formerly www.expertsexchange.com)

-You don’t want just any guys off the street

#4 www.therapistfinder.com 

-Kind of like speed dating, except it’s a felony

#5 www.speedofart.com  

-It happens to the best of us

So if you’re thinking about writing something, have someone look it over.  (Especially URLs, which tend to mash words together.) A second set of eyes is always a good thing because what may sound good in your head may not come across the same to the rest of the world. 

Just Drive

Just Drive

Some people are very, very smart.  We have microsurgeries and smart phones.  We have the Hubble space telescope and 4G wireless networks.  Have you ever seen an Airbus A380??  It’s difficult to imagine that we humans can build such things!  To our extreme misfortune, we also have humans wandering around this planet which are on the complete opposite end of the intelligence spectrum: utter idiots.

Yep.  This article is about people doing stupid things, not smart things.  And if you’re trying to make a connection to the title of this article, I’ll just say it: this is about people doing stupid things while operating a vehicle.  That being said, what should we definitely not be doing while driving a car?  Here are just a few I could come up with:

Drinking alcohol – this is a no brainer.  If you can’t see straight, how could you possibly drive straight.  And oh yeah, it’s illegal.

Putting on makeup – especially around the eyes.  Especially, especially with the sun visor’s vanity mirror in your face blocking your view of the road.  Here’s an idea: wake up earlier!

Picking your nose – not illegal, but dangerous on bumpy roads

Texting – because Oprah says so . . .

Eating a burrito – it’s an accident waiting to happen, whether it be your car or your clean, white shirt

There are plenty of other examples, and as a matter of fact, I thought I had seen them all.  Then, there was the other day. . .  I pulled up to a stop light on a major street and just happened to glance over at the driver in the small, blue car next to me.  The lady was reading a book!  Not a magazine or a pamphlet.  A freaking novel!  And she was half-way through it!  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just whipped it out for that stop light.  But no!  After the light turned green, she just kept on reading while driving.  It must have been one life-altering book! 

I just have to say, how ignorant can you be?!

She might as well have been drinking, texting, putting on makeup, picking her nose, and eating a burrito!  To all of you page turners/drivers out there . . .  Stop It!  Just drive.