Ode to the Stove Crevasse

Ode to the Stove Crevasse

What terror lurks hidden between the stove and the neighboring cabinet?

Crumbs?  Most likely.
Resident insects which we'd sooner like to forget?  Possibly.
Or is it something more devious? . . . Who's to say?

Try to recall what you've swept into that black void over time.  It is most certainly a combination of culinary refuse along with the chemicals used to clean it.  A graveyard of exoskeletons: insects which ventured but never returned.  But why?  Why does nothing emerge from that void?

Perhaps an evolutionary experiment carries on among the carrion.  Something evolves down there.  It grows.  And it's omnivorous appetite is endless.  Every niblet of disregarded corn and each stray dehydrated noodle serves to nourish and satisfy the mysterious depth's hunger.  The same fate awaits every splatter of marinara and drop of poultry drippings.  As well, each and every rolled oat, rounded pea, and roasted peanut all stand to feed the anathema in the dark.

But it's never enough . . .

Brush whatever substance you desire into it's gaping mouth.  It is insatiable.  Do you think that's the floor creaking when you walk by your stove?  Think again.  Someone, or something, is hungry. . .

Repo Men

Repo Men


This is something I've never done on Dry Humor Daily: a movie review.  Mandalyn and I watch a lot of movies. Most of them are "okay" or "cute."  Some are sadly a waste of time.  But every once in a while, we still come across a good one.  When that happens, I like to tell people.  So I thought, why not post about it?  Now, if I would truly recommend a movie, I think I'll start spreading the word here.

Obviously, there are a ton of many great movies out there, but I promise not to post about all of them.  I'll just make this a starting point and only bring up films from here on out.

So let's talk about Repo Men:

I really enjoyed Repo Men.  It took me about a day to mull it over in my head (like most good movies).  The more I thought about this one, the more I liked it.  It was an original premise, but a classic storyline, and it had a good twist which was predictable, but good enough to satisfy even the veteran moviegoer.  

So what do the Repo Men repossess?  (If you don't know, don't worry.  I didn't realize the answer to this question before watching the movie, either.)  I'll paraphrase a quote from Jude Law's character for you:

"If you don't pay for your car, the bank takes it back.  If you don't pay for your house, the bank takes it back.  If you don't pay for your liver, well...that's where I come in."

Sound gruesome?  It is.  So if you're okay with "grisly images" (as the MPAA so delicately describes it), then you can consider watching it.  (It's rated R, by the way.)  Why did I like it?  Well, the acting is good.  The special effects are convincing enough.  And the setting is timeless. In other words, this movie will still be good twenty years from now.  One more thing I really appreciated.  The concept of repossessing organs was played off very well in the film.  It was kind of like Benjamin Button getting younger in his movie.  No one really asked any questions.  He was just getting younger.  In Repo Men, they showed up and shanked clients for their artificial organs if they were 96+ days late on payments.  No questions asked.  It was just a fact of post-organ-transplant-life.  Well done.

Has anyone else seen this movie?  Do you agree?  I'd love to know.  :)

Black Friday

Black Friday


I like shopping on Black Friday.  I enjoy the crowds and watching some people make fools of themselves.  The sales are good.  It's all around a fun experience for me.  Well, today was very different.

Nowhere that I had to go was completely packed or overrun by ravaging sale-seekers.  I went to Kohl's, Best Buy, and Wally World and I didn't have trouble finding parking once.  I never waited in any obscenely long line. And I didn't not find what I was looking for.  (Although I did forget something.  Oh well.)  Then I looked at my watch.  It was 9:00AM when I got to the first store, Kohl's.  Well no wonder it wasn't packed.  The really big crowds had already come and gone because Kohly's opened at 3AM this morning!  Three freaking AM!  That's only . . . like . . . three hours after yesterday!  Black Friday is literally becoming the whole day.  (Actually, some stores open at 10 the night before.  I guess that would be like Black-Thursday-Night, or Black-Black-Friday-Eve.)

Bah!  I think I liked it better when stores opened at normal times and crazy people just lined up early to get in before all of the other crazy people to get their Tickle-Me-Elmo before the other crazy guy with a gun shows up.

...

On another note, happy belated Thanksgiving!

AND

I was dog-sick two days before Thanksgiving, which explains why there was no post Wednesday.  (And no, it wasn't eggnog that made me sick.)

AND

Now I'm off to read all of y'all's blogs that I'm a little behind on.  :)

Eggnog

Eggnog


Need I say more?

That ain't no Christmas martini.  That's eggnog.  Oooooh yeah!  It's the seasonal beverage of choice here at Dry Humor Daily!  Eggnog is one of the top 5 best things about the period of time between Halloween and New Years.  And it's worth every thick, flavorful, all-around indulging calorie contained within!  (I'm not exactly sure what the other 4 top five best things are, but whatever they are, eggnog is up there with them!)

I'm a fan of Braums eggnog.  It has the best blend of spices in my opinion.  And I make special trips to get it.  (And let me tell you, it is special, because our Braums is a HUGE pain in the butt to get to.)  Anyway, my favorite, however, is the homemade variety of eggnog.  It's hard to find people you know who make it and will let you have some.  It's even harder to make your own batch and find other people who will help you finish it.  Why?  For some reason, folks get grossed out by raw egg yolks.  (You see, store-bought eggnog is most likely less than 1% raw egg.  It's delicious, but not as delicious.)

I don't know why some people make such a fuss about eating raw egg yolks.  At least with eggnog, you can add enough liquor ("nog") to kill any of those harmful, yolk-riding diseases within.  And it makes everyone at the Christmas party a little more social, if you know what I mean!  :)

Word Verification #15

Word Verification #15


Somehow, I basically missed a day last week.  As a result, I completely forgot about using Friday to post a Captcha.  So... what better day than today?  :)

Fastrat:


-Noun
1.  An exceptionally quick rodent

2.  An exceptionally quick and ill-moral-ed person

Irregardless

Irregardless


Irregardless is not a word.  Period.  I heard it THREE times yesterday.  I usually only hear it about three time per month.  I literally cringe every time I hear someone speak it.  (It's surprisingly easy to type it, though.  And to proofread it.)  If you use this word, you owe it to yourself to stop.

Here's the funny part.  When someone says "irregardless," the word they're actually looking for is "regardless."  You see, "regardless" is a synonym for "notwithstanding."  So saying "irregardless" would be like saying "notnotwithstanding."  (By the way, "notnotwithstanding" isn't a word, either.)

The worst part is when I hear it on TV, especially the news.  Newscasters are professional talkers and the only time I've ever heard them say "irregardless" is in one of their off-the-cuff moments.  In other words, the teleprompter doesn't read "irregardless," the anchors themselves actually think that the word can be found between "irrefutable" and "irregular" in the English dictionary.  (Go ahead.  Look.  It's not there.)

There is pretty much only one time that the word will actually make me laugh:

Do you know any adults with a very limited vocabulary?  Sure you do.  They say something like "defibulator" and you compliment them for saying a big word, even though it's actually "defibrillator."  Or they'll say "carburetor," but you know they couldn't spell it if you asked.  Then, that special someone will one day bust out the biggest, baddest word they know: Irregardless.  This is where you laugh to yourself because their greatest vernacular feat is undeniably and unwittingly false.

That probably makes me sound like a big jerk, but I promise, it's all in good spirits.  Irregardless is becoming more common, it seems, so I'm starting to get jaded to it.  Don't get me started on "hisself," though . . .

Caring

Believe it or not, a reader actually sent me an email asking about why there was not a post, today.  I have to be honest.  It felt pretty good to be missed.  (That's not why I didn't post.  This isn't a test or anything.)  Work just keeps getting busier and busier.  What that means for writing Dry Humor Daily is that I simply have less time at the end of the day to do so.  It really is sad, too, because I have really grown to love writing this blog.

Rest assured, I'm writing tomorrow's post in about 38 seconds from now.  :)

Swagger

Swagger


Is Mick Jagger the only thing that rhymes with "swagger?"  Both Kesha and the Black-eyed Peas have used that rhyme scheme in a radio single this year.  Kesha kind of got away with it because she was the first.  (Even still, it was lame.)  Then the Black-eyed Peas?  Come on.  Even I could do better.  How about "dagger" or "snagger" or even "snag her?"

...."lagger"

...."flagger"

.... .... "bagger"

Anyone else got any bright ideas?  Our leading pop musicians definitely need some help!

Small Delivery

Small Delivery


My younger brother took this picture in a nearby neighborhood (You can tell it's local because of the Texas flag street numbers):

So . . . what would you call this while still being politically correct.  "Midget mailbox?"  Nope.  "Dwarven drop box?"  Too offensive.  "Pygmy postal center?"  Still no good.  How about "Post-and-parcel-delivery-receptacle-for-those-who-are-hmm-let's-see-...-the-nicest-way-to-say-vertically-impaired?"  That's it!  (I think we're on to something!)

Google Blindly

Google Blindly


A little while back, Google started guessing what you're looking for for you.  What I mean is, if you start typing something into their search box, suddenly the top searches form a drop down box.  That way, if you are searching for one of the same things everyone else is, you can just select it from the list.  (I suppose it saves you a couple seconds worth of typing the remainder of your query.  I mean, I'm busy, but not that busy.)  Sometimes, I set out to search for one thing and then get sidetracked to something else Google suggested.  And sometimes, it can be pretty entertaining.

If you start typing "can blind people see," Google flashes this list:

The first suggestion is legit.  And the last three are decent, too.  But the second, "Can blind people see the taste of cinnamon toast crunch," is just funny.

This list is essentially based on numbers.  In this example, for all of the people who started typing "can blind people see," these five phrases completed the string as the top five searches.  Apparently, somewhere between wondering whether blind people see dreams and whether blind people see their dreams, the great Google public wants to know if the seeing-impaired can see the taste of cinnamon toast crunch.  I couldn't help but laugh.  (Then, I seriously wondered whether this was a joke like the Google/Chuck Norris thing.  I honestly don't think so.)

Either General Mills is funding some twisted advertising campaign in cahoots with Google or we searchers are really this idiotic.  Unfortunately, I think it's the latter.

Word Verification #14

Word Verification #14

As always, happy Friday!!!  If you work at a bank, then I hope you had a good day off yesterday!  (Unfortunately, I don’t work for a bank…)  Anyway, enjoy this week’s Captcha.

Updis

-verb

1. To insult someone to a greater degree than they just insulted you, i.e. to dis better

Ex: Jane made fun of Jill’s tacky outfit and Jane updissed Jill by pointing out her rat-nest hair do.

-noun

2. That insult which is greater than, and in return to, a lesser caliber offense (see definition 1)

3. The opposite of the phrase “up yours”

More Likely

More Likely

Guess what.  Children who are overweight are 75% more likely to be overweight as adults.  Know how I know?  The news told me (which means you can take that to the bank!). You see, someone did a “study” on it.  Well, I’ve got 2 cents for them:

#1 First of all . . . really?  They needed a study to find that out?  I’m trying to tread lightly, here, but that study is kind of like saying that people who drive a car are 75% more likely to get where they’re going faster than walking.  People who eat beans for lunch are 75% more likely to have a noisier afternoon than those who don’t.  People who own cats are 75% more likely to have cat fur on their furniture.  My point is: duh.

#2 Who cares?  Can’t they find something more relevant to talk about on the evening news?  How about world events or politics?  How about the economy?  Extend the weather section of the news, for Pete’s sake.  Oh, well.  I guess if this study is the only thing we all have to worry about at the moment, we’re doing alright as a society.

#3 Surely, someone had to spend money on conducting this study.  I feel like that money could be better spent curing cancer, feeding the homeless, or, let’s see, maybe improving defensive driving videos or something.

I could say more, but then I would be getting into topics not involving evening news studies.  Got any more “duh” studies you’ve heard of?  Please share!  J

Makeover and a Laugh

Makeover and a Laugh


I made some changes to my blog header and background.  Whaddya think?  :)

I poked around the code long enough to find where Dry Humor Daily's images were being held captive.  I copied them into Adobe Fireworks and went to town!  I then hosted them on photobucket and replaced the old image links in my template with the new ones.  And Voila!!  Depending on the zoom in your browser, it might be a little choppy around the edges, but hey!  It was my first try at my own template (at least manipulating the images, that is.)  (I promise, the next one will be even more awesome!)

So that's the makeover bit, but what about the laugh?  Well, I saw this on one of Google's webmaster tools that I use:

Google cracks me up.  In a world where everything has to be so serious, it's nice to break the monotony with quirky things like this.  I hope you get a chuckle out of it, too.

(Actually, I did have to go outside after reading this to fix a light on my car, which for some people is like playing.  LOL.)

Food Faux Pas

Food Faux Pas

Fine dining is like fashion. It has phases like seasons that come and go. Fresh, creative styles are last night’s casserole faster than we can realize we’ve missed them. Any culinary connoisseur needs an ever-adapting palate to suit the relentlessly changing edible of arts. So what makes it into food famedom and how? Who knows, but it sure is easy to poke fun at!

With each erupting food-fad, masters of the craft instantly rise to fame, only to inevitably fall back into the forgotten realm of recipe remission. Remember tapas? How about going out to a restaurant and in stead of eating at a table, customers kick off their shoes and eat in a bed? It seems silly now, but they were all the rage in their prime. Here are a few examples of short-lived, comic fare.

Someone recently decided food might be more adventurous to eat if it were taken apart. The word used to describe this twist is “deconstruction.” Any and everything could be deconstructed and formed into piles of ingredients on a plate. Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of having someone prepare the food for you? I like my chicken, my noodles, and my broth together in the same bowl like soup. . . because it’s soup! Imagine a plate with a sticky glob of peanut butter and a dollop of sweaty grape jelly next to conveniently-sliced (but not spread-upon) bread. Voila! Deconstructed peanut butter and jelly! But that’s not all! It has to be fancier, so instead , you’re served fire-roasted Turkish Pistachio spread and late-harvest Oregon merlot jelly on pygmy-harvested rye sourdough. Oh, and it’s a hundred bucks. I love a good savory safari, but I don’t want to work for it.

Even more recently, comfort food swept the nation. You might have encounter vine-ripened tomato gazpacho with a grilled goat cheese finger sandwich on the side. How would you like an Herbes de Provence Porterhouse meat loaf with a side of Peruvian purple potato hash? Bottom line, though, it’s still comfort food. I go out to eat wanting food I can’t cook at home. The phenomenon kind of died off when patrons began to realize that grandma’s potato soup recipe is every bit as good as that vichyssoise at the five-star downtown!

Maybe you like your vegetables vertical, your pastries painted in chocolate, your foie gras extra fatty, or your meticulously-massaged-before-butchered beef. Well enjoy it now, because the next trendy cuisine is just around the culinary corner!

I Wonder . . .

I Wonder . . .

We all want the world to be a better place, right?  Sure we do.  So how do we get there?  Ask this one question:  “Why?”

Yep.  It’s that simple.  (Not to be confused with easy).  There’s always a better way to do things, but how will we ever know if we’re not actively seeking them.  Well, like a 3 year old, I ask “why” all the time.  However, I’m not exactly wondering about a better way to split an atom.  I like to think I wonder about more practical subjects.

I’ve been collecting a list of wonderings and now I think I’ve got a post’s worth:

-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?  (Or goldfish crackers, for that matter?)  (Or Teddy Grahams?)

-Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

-Why is a doctor’s business called their “practice?”  (I don’t know about you, but I don’t know if I like being practiced on.)

-Who decided the order of the alphabet?  And why isn’t Q at the reject end of it with X, Y, and Z?  (It’s kind of out-of-place where it is, now.)

-Why do they put Braille on drive-thru ATMs?

-Why don’t they call non-stop flights one-stop flights?

Anything y’all wonder about?  

Word Verification #13

Word Verification #13

Happy Friday!  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I know I’m ready for mine!

In case you’re new to Dry Humor Daily, I like to take screen shots of Captchas that look like they could be words and add their would-be definitions.  If you want to see more Captcha posts, click the Captcha label just below this post.  Here’s today’s Captcha:

Rearair:

-noun

1. The byproduct of flatulence, generally considered embarrassing or disrespectful in public

Ex: Mr. Methane’s rearair is rank enough to choke a quarter horse!

Extra Fancy

Extra Fancy

We have these at work to snack on:

They are Extra Fancy Mixed Nuts.  Sounds good, right?  (They are.)  Perhaps you should be lifting a pinky when you eat them  Well I had been wondering something for quite some time now and never really got around to finding an answer until this munchies caught my attention.  I’ve seen fancy ketchup and fancy varieties of fruit before, but never nuts.  And to top it off: these are indeed extra fancy.  (Not just regular ol’ fancy.)  So I wanted to know: do “fancy” and “extra fancy” actually stand for something?

The answer is, they do.

You’re probably familiar with different classifications/grades of foods like eggs and meats.  Well, certain other foods have a little bit fancier way of determining quality (pun intended).  Apples and nuts, for example, can be either Utility grade (the lower quality), fancy (the medium), and extra fancy (the best of the best).  Extra Fancy often refers to a perfect color, shape, and condition.  Fancy produce may be slightly blemished or ever-so-slightly discolored.  And Utility grade is, well, edible, but more likely suitable for being an ingredient in something else.  (You would think they could have come up with a name closer to the other two, like “Quaint Grade” or “Idiosyncratic Grade.”) 

So next time someone tries to pass you the fancy nuts or ketchup, you can respectfully decline, pinky raised, and request only the extra fancy varieties.  After all, don’t you deserve the best?

Election Day

Election Day


I know you're busy reading Dry Humor Daily right now, but if you haven't done so, today, (and you live in the US) you should vote.  I'm a big believer that's it is a privilege to do so.

Okay, I won't push it on anyone.  If you like voting, or you're going to, or you already did, then great!  If not, then maybe you'll relate to this:

(If only more of us worked for the government so we could have the day off.)

My Car Did

My Car Did


I'm a commercial geek.  I watch 'em. . . and I generally enjoy them.  I'm extremely judgmental about them, too.  I tend to be vocal about good advertising versus bad advertising.   (Like the recent Burger King breakfast commercials: stuuuuuuuupid.  Flute solo?  Really?)  Anyway, car commercials are almost always ranked among the worst.  Why?  Because they've all been done.  (Actually, Ford F-150 has had some very good ones over the last couple of years.)

There are only so many angles you can film a car doing donuts in the desert or zooming down unrealistically unoccupied city streets.  When that stops working, companies try to cram customer testimonials into their ads, when is never convincing.  Well, Mercedes Benz went the testimonial route.  The customers were very honest, but, well, see for yourself:



So let me get this straight, if you want to guiltlessly take your eyes off the road whenever you'd like, fall asleep at the wheel, and drive for more continuous hours than legally allowed by a semi-truck driver . . . then you should buy a Mercedes E-Class.  Right?  Did anyone else get that from that commercial?  You buy the Benz, you can be a lazy driver.  Cool.  How much is this going to cost?

Oh...

Guess I'll have to drive lazy in my regular car.