Express Mail

Express Mail


No themed week this week.  I've taken a few funny pictures I'd like to share, as well as some screen shots I've taken from my favorite news sources.

I took this picture outside of our local post office:

That is a trash can.  In case you can't read it, it says "Express Mail: Next Day Service."  I've tried to figure this out in my head over and over, but I can't.  Why the heck would they label a trash can with an express mail advertisement?  I wonder how much mail has been literally dumped over the years.  I'm guessing the post-office-budget-committee-circa-1972 discussion went something like this:

Director:     "Johnson!  How do we cut costs?  The feds are breathing down our necks!"
Johnson:     "Um, let's see. . . "
Director:     "I don't have all day, Johnson.  Make it snappy!"
Johnson:     "Well, um, we could make the trash cans look like drop boxes."
Director:     "Hmm. . . I like your thinking."
Johnson:     "Thank you, sir."
Director:     "Get someone on it.  Now what do we do about the agonizingly long wait times?"

Wedding Week: Thursday

The dress is a BIG DEAL.  Brides go crazy over their dress.  They watch wedding dress shows.  They read wedding magazines (mainly just to look at the dresses).  They scour wedding websites for dress ideas.  I'll bet if there was a wedding radio station, brides would listen to that, too!  Dress, dress, dress, dress.

None of the obsession really bothers me.  I'm just making an observation.  All of the wedding dress hoopla is actually funny.  Let me give you the basic outline of what happens:

Bride:     I'm going with my mom to look at wedding dresses.
Groom:  Oh, okay.
Bride:     It's not like we're going to find anything.  We're just looking.
Groom:  Sure.  (Sarcastically)
Bride:     Oh stop.  We'll probably look at ten places before I find one.
Groom:  Mm hm.  (Again, sarcastically.)

. . . 6 hours later . .  .

Bride:     Oh . . .
Bride:     My . . .
Bride:     Gosh!  I found it!  I found the one!  It's the one I've always dreamed of!
Groom:   I know . . .
Bride:     What do you mean, 'you know'?  I LOVE this one!  This is the one!  (Dances off into other room...)
Groom:   Never mind.

And it costs a pretty penny, too.  Couples could save a whole bunch of money if they would just buy their dresses here:

They may not have wedding magazines, but they definitely sell other magazines.  :)

Wedding Week: Wednesday

This next bit came to us while scouring the internet for examples to pull from to write our order of ceremonies.  This was seriously at the bottom of one of the articles we were looking through for opening greetings:

All of the article suggestions are funny in their own way, but the circled one is the best.  My wife to be and I almost died laughing when we saw this.  I hope you get a kick out of it, too.

Do you have any funny stories about looking for one thing online, and being pointed to a funny recommended site/article?  :)

Wedding Week: Tuesday

Wedding cake.  (Need I say more?)  My favorite thing about any wedding reception is the cake.  Hands down.  It can be white cake, chocolate cake, hazelnut, tres leches, who cares!  Just roll out the cake.  If you ask me, almost everything about a reception can be mediocre, but if the cake is good great, the rest can be forgiven.

There's only one problem I have with cake: the recent trend with grooms' cakes.  I'm okay with the fact that there is one.  I mean, come on, the more cake the better.  I just think it's funny when they have a theme.  (If you had a themed groom cake in your wedding, I'm sorry.  If you're planning on one, reconsider.)  I'm going to try to say the nicest thing I can say about them: they're silly.

Your wedding is not the time to boast what college you went to or how much you love Batman, so why would you have a cake to show it?  "Yay, we're getting married . . . it's the happiest day of our lives . . . let's have some cake that looks like a giant  . . . um . . . fish."  I'll pass.  (This isn't a joke.  I really saw a fish-shaped groom's cake, once.  And no, I didn't eat it.)  Rest assured our cakes are normal: one white, one chocolate, no theme.

Do you have any wedding cake stories?  :)

Wedding Week: Monday

Based on readers' suggestions, I've been posting themed weeks lately.  Two weeks ago was funny restaurant signs (check out the archives if you need to).  Last week was strange words.  This week is going to be about weddings.  More particularly, it will be about wedding stuff.

It may seem like kind of a random topic, but it's not.  In case you may not know, I'm getting married in about 5 weeks, so needless to say, wedding stuff is often on the brain.  I like to think you can find humor in any and everything.  Weddings, of course, are no exception.  (I also used to work at a place that hosted a lot of weddings, so I've been to a disproportionately high number of them.)

Let's talk about wedding favors.  I've seen pretty much everything.  I've seen candies, bubbles, picture frames, flowers, and everything in between.  One wedding I had worked at even handed out customized bottles of wine to each guest as they left.  (They even had two varieties!!)  The concept of wedding favors got me thinking: what do your wedding favors say about you?

Wedding favors are meant to be a "thank you for coming to our wedding" sort of thing.  For the most part, they make sense.  "Thanks for coming to our wedding, here's some candy."  "Thanks for coming to our wedding, here's a bouquet of flowers."  But Jordan almonds?  What crazy loons came up with that?  (Italians did, in case you're wondering.)  Jordan almonds are basically sugar/candy-coated almonds.  They are supposed to signify the bittersweetness of married life.  My response: what the heck kind of metaphor is that?!  The bittersweetness of married life?  Does that mean married couples are canoodling, soft, and sweet on the outside, but hard and bitter on the inside?  How charming. . .  I know married life usually isn't a fairy tale, always pixie dust and lemonade, but come on.  Let's at least lie to ourselves on the day of the wedding!

(I won't rant much longer, I promise.  One wedding favor that always made me laugh was the bubbles.  You know, the bubbles you're supposed to blow at the bride and the groom as they're leaving so they have some fun pictures of the send off?  Yeah.  No favor says "thanks for coming to our wedding" like bubbles.  "Hey, do us a favor and blow some bubbles as we leave for our honeymoon.")

In case you're curious, we're having home-made cupcakes as our wedding favors.  Also, if you're lucky enough to be off of work today for president's day, then have a nice day off!  (I'm jealous!)

Strange Word Week 4

What?  It's already Saturday?!  What happened to Friday?  . . . Oh well, in lieu of yesterdays miss, here is a special weekend make-up post.  I'll continue the reader-suggested theme week of strange words:

hagiology
noun
-the branch of literature dealing with the lives and legends of saints


This would be way funnier if it really were the study of hags.  (It definitely sounds like it is.)  I'm sure there would be plenty of hags to study, too, like subway hags, underpass hags, and famous "hags-to-riches" stories.  They could have spin-off areas of expertise, too, like hobology and vagabondology.  The educational possibilities are endless!

Have a good weekend!

Strange Word Week 3

The words used to describe the fear of certain things, "phobias," have always fascinated me.  Some are simple to understand, like hydrophobia: the fear of water.  Some are bizarre, like nephophobia: the fear of clouds.  Other phobias throw you a real curve ball, like:

dikephobia
noun
-fear of justice


I'm not so humored by the meaning of this one.  It's the pronunciation.  Try saying it a few ways.  Classy, huh?  I'm not going to tell you how to say it, but I am curious.  When you do, do you sound like you're afraid of butch lesbians or like you're afraid of man parts?

Any other good phobias you can think of?

Strange Word Week 2

Strange word number two this week sounds a lot worse than it really is.  And I suggest that if you know someone with this condition, you should definitely make a point to tell them (while laughing on the inside):

logorrhea
noun
-an excessive flow of words, prolixity


I don't know about you, but I know anything that ends in "-rrhea" can't be good.  Think about it. . . or . . . actually, don't.  We all know people who ramble, right?  Well, next time you find yourself in the relentless presence of them, tell them they need to see a physician about their logorrhea.  Then slip out the door and escape while you can!!

Then come back here and thank me.  ;-)

Strange Word Week 1

Last week was funny restaurant week because it was suggested by a fabulous reader.  (Thanks!)  I didn't ask for those suggestions a couple of weeks ago just for the heck of it.  I fully intend to get around to all of them.  This week is going to be a week full of strange words.  (I say week.  I guess it's just gonna be four days.)

So here is numero uno:

ambisinister
adjective
-Clumsy or unskillful with both hands


Anyone who's anyone knows what ambidextrous means, but who ever knew there was an opposite?  Yep.  They even have a word for someone who is neither right-handed nor left-handed: ambisinister.  Sounds kind of insulting, doesn't it?  Not only are you a klutz, you're an evil, ominous klutz.  (Although, if I had to choose between left-handed and ambisinister, I'd probably choose ambisinister.  At least it sounds cool, whereas left-handed is just weird.)

So I started coming up with a list of professions in which it would be very unfortunate to be ambisinister:  knife juggler, nascar driver, speed typer, pizza tosser, trapeze artist, spinal surgeon, standby-nuclear-warhead-button-pusher, calligrapher, and Great Sphinx of Giza carver.  That's just to name a few.  Got any other ideas?  Please share.  :)

Jam Packed Monday

Sorry, no post today.   I've been working very diligently on my other website.  It's top secret right now, but it's taking my idea for The Blog Quilt to a whole new level!  I've had this website concept floating around in my head for a while, but it was still missing something.  I finally cracked it!

Look for tomorrow's post!

Funny Restaurant Sign Week 5

I've been waiting (and secretly laughing) all week for this sign.  I wanted to post this on Friday so it could be seen all weekend:

And the best part is the after phrase at the top... "come on in..."  Do you think they sell fruit cake?

Funny Restaurant Sign Week 4

Before I get to the sign for today, I need to point something out:

YOU READERS ARE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AWESOME!!!


I've officially had over 100 posts in a row (104 to be exact) with at least one reader comment.  That's come a long way from day one at Dry Humor Daily.  So thank you, thank you, and (for one to grow on) thank you!

Now.  I've been avoiding the obvious funny restaurant signs so far this week, but I have to bust it out today (Sorry, McDonald's):

Everyone has a dream job.  For some, it's just down the street!

Funny Restaurant Sign Week 3

IHOP had better watch out.  Max's just extended their breakfast menu to "all day!"

All day, huh?  Boy, I wish "all day" for me meant six-and-a-half hours.

Funny Restaurant Sign Week 2

This sign is funny because of how it is unintentionally and unfortunately misplaced:

"Um, yes.  I'd like an order of your house cat spare ribs and the hamster poppers!"  

Funny Restaurant Sign Week 1

Welcome to Funny Restaurant Sign week.  I asked for a few suggestions a while back about some themed weeks I could post about.  (If this isn't the idea you suggested, don't worry, it'll probably be soon).  So here's the first one for the week!

I'd like to break the ice with this sign.  It isn't a huge pylon outside that gets you to come into the restaurant.  You would see this one once you got inside:

Gotta keep those cockroaches healthy, too!  Who else is going to clean your toothbrush while you sleep?

Snosped

Snosped


So this is the fourth day in a row I've been working from home due to the ice storm that blew through town Monday night.  We're all starting to get a little stir crazy bumming around the house all day because driving is out of the question (mainly because it's more like ice skating with your car).  So we walked to the nearest CVS yesterday just for a breath of fresh air and a couple of groceries.

If any of you are having the same winter woes, then stay warm and safe!  Here's today's word verification (#22):

Snosped:

-verb

1.  having traveled too fast in snowy conditions

Ex: When we walked to CVS yesterday, we passed an aquaduct and saw that some driver had snosped over an icy patch and into it.  (They took out some large bushes on the way down, too)

Fat Snowman

Fat Snowman


Now that's a real American snowman right there!

Looks like he had a few too many super-sized McFlurries.

Global Huh?

Global Huh?

Global warming advocates are probably reeling right now.  I’ve lived in DFW my whole life and these last two winters have seen more snow than all of the previous winters I’ve seen combined, especially with that thirteen-incher back in February 2010.  It stuck for a week!  Remember Washington D.C. got a record double-blasting, too!  This year, the storm is hitting everyone!  I was never convinced about the idea of global warming, but now I have a radical counter-question.  Is this a global cooling? 

Even after asking that question, my answer is probably ‘no.’  I do believe, however, that the Earth just has some natural cycles and we may just be in the middle of a string of colder winters.  For all we know, we might have just been lucky enough to have all the right weather ingredients to have crippling ice and snow here.  Even further in the back of my mind, I can’t help but return to questioning global warming.  I mean, if it’s snowing in Texas, what’s going on at the North Pole?

Well, Santa’s probably freezing his butt off!  I’m no climatologist (in this life), but behind all of the cold air that brought us snow, there’s got to be even colder air, right?  It’s pretty basic knowledge that the further north you get, the colder it is.  Sometimes, the arctic puffs its cheeks and blows that mess down to Texas.  I see the temperature map of the whole country, and I see thirty-something degrees here, twenty-somethings in Kansas and Nebraska, and single digits inMinnesota.  What’s going on north of that?  They’re probably freezing mercury up there! (That’s a sweltering -37.89۫F, by the way).  I have a hard time believing there’s a whole lot of glacial meltdown going on, (but remember, I’m no climatologist.)

I’m not planning on starting an anti-global-warming rally or anything, just raising questions.  When was the last time you heard about the ozone problem?  I thought the hurricanes were supposed to get worse and worse after 2005.  The 2006 and 2009 hurricane seasons were below average and 2007 and 2008 were average.

Global warming, shmobal warming.  I'm freezing my butt off in DFW with the lowest temperature we've had in like a hundred years or something.

Shop Class

Shop Class


It kind of looks like they gave the kid a sucker to distract him from the hack saw inches behind his head.

Do you think the kids who did this to him gave him a wedgie first?