Tuesday 8/31

Tired of Twilight


I've been tired of the twilight bonanza since before I even really knew what it was.  Its following is only growing and the longer it goes on, the more ridiculous the new stories surrounding it become.  Here's a tip-top example is saw yesterday:

A push-up challenge with Taylor Lautner?  Really?  At this point, they're really scraping the bottom of the barrel for material.  I have a better challenge:  I challenge anyone to care . . .

Monday 8/30

Natural

I like peanut butter, simply put.  I also like to try different kinds of peanut butter.  I try different brands to see which ones are smoother than others and which ones put just the right amount of “crunch” into their crunchy varieties.  One might say I’m a peanut butter connoisseur.  However, I prefer the term “market maven”.  (I know what you’re thinking.  First of all, what the heck is a market maven?  Second, what the heck is the difference?) 

I wouldn’t say connoisseur because it implies an in-depth knowledge on the origin and production of peanut butter.  A market maven is one who knows more about the market’s offerings and their subtle differences.  Both should be able to taste-test the difference.  (In either case, you could call it an obsession, but who wants to admit being obsessed about anything?  Not me.)

Anyway, I was shopping the other day and I needed peanut butter.  I picked up one of my favorites: Jif Natural.  It occurred to me that I’ve never really wondered this: If this peanut butter is natural, then what is the other stuff?  Unnatural?  Behold, exhibits A and B:

Exhibit A is natural and exhibit B is . . . well . . . not.  What’s so unnatural about it?  It’s chock full of fully-hydrogenated oil (trans fat) and mono and diglycerides.  Mmmmm.  Sounds good!  (Don’t get me wrong, I’d still eat it if it were my only choice.)  So what’s wrong with trans fat?  Well, without boring you with the details of the hydrogenation process, let’s just say it’s bad for your cholesterol.  (Besides, does it really sound like something you’d want to eat?)

The good news is: the natural version of most brands tastes just as good as the original.  So why doesn’t Jif just replace all of the originals with naturals?  There’s a very good reason, but that’s a discussion for another day.  (Think “New Coke”.  Google it if you have to.) 

My advice, for all you peanut butter lovers: go with the natural.  It costs about the same, it tastes about the same, and you can find all of its ingredients in nature.  Your body will thank you by staying alive longer in the end.

Friday 8/27

Accidental Humor

“To err is human” right?  Well, there are over 6 billion humans running around this rock, so you can bet there are a lot of “errs” every single day.  The best part is, some of those errors are very funny.  Lucky for us, the evidence is often recorded.  Many comedy films have gag reels at the end or in their special features menu.  The internet is absolutely loaded with blooper videos.  We even have the illustrious “Darwin Awards.”  (If you don’t know what they are, look it up.)  Here are a couple of examples:

Sometimes, accidents can be in the form of oversight or failure to proof read.  For example, if you’re going to type “add” and your finger somehow slips over to the “s” instead of the “d”, spell check won’t correct you.  In programming, it’s not uncommon to run the wrong routine or forget to check for verbiage consistency.  This is a real message, found in the device manager of Windows Vista:

Other times, actual accidents tend to be funny.  Take the following image, for example.  Car accidents are typically no laughing matters, but if you find yourself scratching your head in the aftermath, you might not be able to hold back the chuckle.

I would be nice if I could just tell you to just keep an eye out for accidental humor, but that’s kind of the whole point.  It’s unexpectedly funny!

Thursday 8/26

Sarcastic Humor

Sarcasm can be very funny, but it can also be very tricky.  It requires a degree of social familiarity.  If you’re sarcastic (in an attempt to be funny) around people who don’t know you enough to know you’re being sarcastic, it can turn quickly awry.  You might accidentally insult someone, which is definitely not funny. 

Ok, so it’s tricky.  Got it.  But what is it?  Sarcastic humor often times involves exaggeration.  The more exaggeration used, the easier it is to detect sarcasm.  And less exaggeration is reserved for the seasoned sarcastic.  Here’s an example I use a lot:

Let’s say someone you know is making you dinner.  They’re making a new ricipe you’ve never tried before.  Say, I don’t know, sea urchin soup.  (Sounds obscure, right?)  Anyway, you both try it and it’s the worst soup you’ve both ever tried.  Your chef-of-a-friend says, “This is terrible, don’t you think?”  You say, “Are you kidding, it’s the best sea urchin soup I’ve ever had!”

While it’s true that, technically speaking, it is the best sea urchin soup you’ve ever had, (since it’s the only one) it’s also disgusting.  That’s sarcasm.  Let’s take it up a notch:

I like going to Starbucks in the morning when I can.  And if I’m in the mood for a treat, I’ll get a double tall, soy, no whip, white chocolate mocha.  (Just typing it makes me want one.)  Sometimes, the baristas will ask me how it is.  I’ll say, straight-faced, “It’s the best double tall, soy, no whip, white chocolate mocha I’ve had all day.”  I might get a chuckle out of my sarcasm from them.  It’s supposed to be funny because clearly it’s the only drink like that I’ve even had all day, especially since it’s first thing in the morning.  In this case, it’s also slightly dry humor based on the delivery of the remark.  I rambled off the drink name without skipping a beat.  In the moment, it’s funny.

Another way to be sarcastic is to combine it with irony.  Here’s an example:

Also, don't forget to check out this new gadget I found for my blog.  There is a random post finder on the welcome note in the sidebar and another one at the bottom of the page.  I'm such a dork that I even click it myself sometimes, just to read a good old post.  It's for that extra fix!  

Wednesday 8/25

Pun Intended

In case you haven’t noticed, not all of the humor here at Dry Humor Daily is always “dry”, per se.  (The title of my blog was chosen more to describe my own personality, not necessarily the contents of these pages.)  That’s okay, though.  Laughs, cackles, and giggles are good all the same.  I thought maybe over the next few days, we could explore some different types of humor.  One of my favorite varieties is the pun. 

Puns are great.  They are actually kind of borderline dry humor.  It all depends on the delivery.  If you can appropriately (and intentionally) use a pun while keeping a straight face, it usually qualifies.  Puns are basically a play on words.  And they’re usually better told spoken because of the common use of homophones.  Well, I’ve conjured up some classic scenarios using puns.  The first two are real.  The second two, I just know of.

#1 I was on a school field trip to the Fort Worth zoo sometime in middle school.  (I don’t think the trip coordinators at the school realized that 13 and 14 year-olds weren’t amused by the zoo at that age.)  We were breaking for lunch and we all sat in a large area with picnic tables.  It was well shaded.  Perched in those shade trees were swarms hungry crows (we call them grackles) waiting to swoop on the first sight of leftovers and falling food.  My friends and I were eating and talking and I suddenly felt something.  I though it was a drop of rain.  Then I looked at my arm where I felt it.  One of those crows had relieved itself . . . onto my arm.  The first thing I could think to say was, “Aw crap.”

#2 One way I used to cure boredom was by drawing and sketching.  I loved drawing back when the only thing I had better to do was watch Ninja Turtles when it came on.  Anyway, this particular day, drawing was the last resort.  I had tried everything else.  So I grabbed the sharpest pencil in the cup and a notebook and plopped on the bed.  I flipped it open and put the pencil to the paper and CRACK!  The pencil broke.  Then, realizing that my attempt to pass the time was officially futile, I said to myself, “Well . . . this is pointless.”

#3 A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

#4 A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

Tuesday 8/24

Shcool


Sometimes, adults can be shining examples of why we all go to school and how it benefits our lives.

Other times, they show kids what happens when you don't . . .

Monday 8/23

Joyful Plane


Do you think the people who designed this plane had a sense of humor?

I do.

Friday 8/20

Familiar Tree


Many neighborhoods have trees hanging over streets which look like this:

Basically, enough large trucks pass underneath to prevent the tree from really growing in that space.  Branches that do hang down quickly get mercilessly whacked when the next big truck zooms by.  This, however, is a little more uncommon:

Looks a little familiar doesn't it?  If not, maybe this will help:

Thursday 8/19

Heat Wave

It has been hot lately.  And not just any kind of hot.  It has been hot-so-many-days-in-a-row-that-it-might-as-well-just-stay-hot-a-couple-more-days-so-we-can-at-least-set-a-record-or-something hot.  Well, that record is going to have to wait until another year. We had an 18-day streak of 100 degree or more highs.  The official high temperature in DFW yesterday was a measly 96 degrees.  (I know, bummer, right?)  The local meteorologist jokingly assured us, however, that we’ll be right back up there in the triple digits for another seven days or so.  Personally, I don’t think it’s much of a joke.  The record, by the way, was 40 days in a row back in 1980.

So how do you entertain yourself when the heat is so blistering?  Even swimming doesn’t sound very appealing because when it’s this hot, the water becomes warm.  (No thanks.  If I want to take a bath in my swim trunks, I’ll just do it at home.  It’s also less crowded.)  You could stay inside all day and watch crime show marathons.  You could even put on your jogging shorts and running shoes so that it feels more like a marathon. 

Or . . .

Since there’s an almost-national egg recall right now, there is one thing you could do.

Around four in the afternoon, you could run out and cook up some eggs on the sidewalk.  You don’t even need a pan!  Just mist the walkway in some non-stick cooking spray and get crackin’!  I wouldn’t recommend eating them, though.  I’m about 86% sure this doesn’t cook the salmonella out.

 Even though the eggs in your fridge probably don’t have salmonella, I still wouldn’t recommend eating this sidewalk experiment.

Wednesday 8/18

Reader Shout Out

If you’ve ever been curious enough to scroll down Dry Humor Daily, you might have noticed this little gadget on the side:

This is a pretty basic hit counter.  The top number counts how many times any page on the site gets loaded.  The bottom number only counts every time a new visitor views the site.  How?  It’s top-secret-FBI-style-crime-solving-identity-tracking-software-that-if-I-told-you-I’d-have-to-kill-you sort of stuff. . . .  Just kidding (or am I?).  The internet just picks up any new IP addresses that come through.

Anyway, as of sometime last night (I’m pretty sure I was sleeping), the one thousandth unique visitor reached Dry Humor Daily.  In other words, a thousand different eyes have met these pages.  I suppose it’s more like two thousand eyes.  (Unless there are some avid, cyclopean readers out there.  You never know.) 

So officially, THANK YOU to everyone.

On a side note, the hit tracker can also pinpoint globally where IP addresses are feeding in from.  Interestingly, a little over 2% of hits consistently come from Malaysia.  That’s more than all of the other 18 non-US countries combined.  Extra thanks to whoever is over there!

Tuesday 8/17

Out of Commission


I had a root canal, this morning, so I'm not in much of a writing mood.  I did see a funny warning while I was there.  A sign next to the x-ray machine read:

Please let us know if you are pregnant or could possibly be pregnant.  Thank you.

I understand why they put this sign up.  Women would definitely want x-ray technicians to be extra careful so as not to zap all of their eggs on accident.  Buy my question is:  Shouldn't x-ray technicians just be careful not to zap ovaries anyway?  All the time?  Not just when women are explicitly expecting.

And one more thing.  What dentist is taking pictures down there?

Monday 8/16

Lack of Information


This guy must have missed the memo...

Friday 8/13

Friday the 13^th

Happy Friday the 13^th!  I hope you’re not superstitious.  If you are, don’t start anything new and stay away from leaning ladders, questionable mirrors, indoor umbrellas, and black cats.  (Those bad luck charms don’t necessarily have anything to do with Friday the 13^th, but you definitely don’t want to compound the effects!) 

So what the heck is all the hype surrounding Friday the 13^th?  It’s really just a culmination of bad things that have happened on Fridays in history and the bad aura surrounding the number thirteen.  (By the way, the fear of Friday the 13^th is officially called friggatriskaidekaphobia.)  Honestly, we’ve kind of ruined it for ourselves, if you think about it. 

Black Friday sometimes refers to stock market crashes.  Basically, everyone who had money those times . . . lost a lot of money those times.  Jesus was supposedly crucified on a Friday.  Shopping is nightmarish (albeit entertaining) the day after Thanksgiving.  Things like that. 

The number thirteen is the kicker, though.  For some reason, thirteen makes people uncomfortable.  Thirteen is deeply rooted in even the not-so-superstitious.  Many tall buildings in the U.S. rename the 13^th floor.  One building that I used to work in actually had all of the mechanical services on the 13^th floor instead of businesses.  Thirteen is often tied to the bad luck of Apollo 13.  There were thirteen people at the last supper.  You can see why it would be so spooky.

Mathematically speaking, 12 is kind of a complete number.  It works really well with circles.  Adding 1 to make it 13 throws a kink into everything.  There are 12 months, 12 zodiacs, 12 apostles, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 hours on the clock, etc.  12s are everywhere, but not 13s because it obstructs the wholeness of 12. 

You know what I think?  Any day can be a bad day.  I’m sure plenty of disasters and deaths have occurred on Tuesdays and Sundays.  (And Mondays, and Wednesdays, and Thursdays, and Saturdays.)  And think about it, if we all survive the impending apocalypse in 2012, 2013 is going to be a pretty good year!

Superstitious or not, have a good weekend.  Just know that you just saw the number 13 in this post 13 times!

Thursday 8/12

Luxury

Luxury is becoming more and more of a relative term.  A simple example would be car ownership.  A pricey BMW to you might be a pocket-change, weekend beater-mobile for someone else.  That’s because not only is there an enormous income gap in the U.S., there is a huge gap in personal taste as well.  As a result, many product markets are becoming what we call hyper-segmented.  In other words, there is literally something for everyone. 

Have you seen the candy aisle at the grocery store?  It’s impossible to keep track of them all!  I’d be willing to bet there is at least one candy you would like (if not, half of them!).  The candy market is hyper-segmented.  Typically, on one end of every continuum of niche product markets is the luxurious category.  Obviously, you can buy luxury cars.  There’s luxury candy, too.  Does Godiva ring a bell?  (Do you want some chocolate now?) 

Well, there’s a relatively new realm of luxury: toilet paper.  Yep.  Luxuriously soft, starkly modern, stylish, and . . . still used for the same thing.   You know.

If luxury isn’t usually your thing, but you’re looking to step up the glam in one room of your house, why not start in the bathroom?  You spend a lot of time in there anyway (and it’s cheaper to redo than the kitchen).  Try shelling out upwards of twenty bucks for a six-pack of these bad boys:

I never thought I would say this, but that’s some pretty cool toilet paper.  If I had nothing better to spend my money on, I would definitely buy it and probably stick it in the guest bathroom.  It would definitely start some conversations when we have visitors. 

Not into black?  Don’t worry, it comes in other colors, like red, green, and orange.   But not brown.

Wednesday 8/11

Family Time

“Got Milk?” 

How many times have you heard that slogan?  About a million?  Well, considering the “Got Milk?” campaign has been around since 1993, a million might not be too difficult to imagine.  (That’s an impressive run, 17 years!)  If you were alive in ‘93, you probably saw a “Got Milk?” commercial either before Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman, during Boy Meets World, or after Mighty Morphin Power Rangers . . . or, for all you sci-fi buffs, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Well, the slogan is kind of running dry (no pun intended).  Lately, milk is still trying to make a presence, but “Got Milk?” is slowly on its way out.  Meanwhile, new dairy dichos are popping up here and there.  The problem is: those are some very big shoes to fill!  For the most part, attempts have been downright tacky.  Here’s a good example:

“Milk brings the family together.”

I can’t speak for any family other than mine, but we never officially gathered for the sake of milk.  We certainly drank a lot of milk, though!  There may have been a jug of milk on the table whenever we all sat down together for a pancake breakfast, but it’s not like we took a family portrait with milk.  We never went to milk’s band concerts or got milk a Christmas sweater.  You know what did bring our family together?  Try Thanksgiving turkey.  Or birthday cake.  Heck, even pizza!  But milk?  Not exactly . . .

Sorry, national-milk-advocates-association-of-america (or whatever it’s called), try again.

Tuesday 8/10

Coffee Flow

You kill it, you fill it.  That’s the unwritten law, at least.  (You know, someone should really write all those down.)  In Boy Scout camp, that meant you had to go get back in line and painstakingly wait for more lemonade while the other kids ate your seconds.  At home, that meant you had to refill the water jug in the refrigerator while your friends un-paused the video game you were all playing as they kill off your idle, helpless player in your absence.  In the office world, that means you have to put more paper in the printer.  You would do it for yourself, right?

When it comes to coffee, you don’t want to mess around, especially first thing in the morning.  If you take the last cup in the office at 7:31 in the morning, you better plan on filling that bad boy back up!  It’s bad karma if you don’t.  Here is a helpful chart to decide when to make more coffee:

Monday 8/9

Yogurt

Yogurt is good for you.  At the very least, it’s hard to argue against it.  Yogurt delivers protein, calcium, riboflavin, and B 12.  It’s probiotic, so . . . you know . . . it helps you go.  And depending on who you talk to, it’s tasty.  (Personally, frozen yogurt is the only tasty form to me . . . cookies and cream flavored.)  You can substitute yogurt in recipes which call for mayonnaise or sour cream.  So it’s versatile.  To top it off, it’s beneficial to your wallet as well.  Yogurt is inexpensive for such a “superfood.” 

Well the folks (or volks, I guess) at Henkel, the German company that owns Dial soap, decided Yogurt might be good for yet something else.  Your skin.  More specifically, your outer-skin: your epidermis, if you wanna get technical.  Yup, you can buy hand soaps and body washes which contain yogurt.  See? 

My first benign question was, “can you eat it?”  Then, “well, do I keep it in the fridge until I shower?”  The answer is “No” . . . and “No.”  So what’s the point?  It turns out that the same proteins and vitamins found in yogurt that are good for the inside of your body might be good for the outside, as well.

The concept is fundamentally sound, but it doesn’t translate well into marketer’s hands.  They do this with a lot of foods.  Scientist will find a good reason to put apricot in your face wash and marketer’s think that’s reason enough for you to buy it.  “I like to eat apricots.  Maybe I’ll try it on my pores!”  Many soaps are “infused” and pumped full of “extracts” to make them sound appealing.  Honey and vanilla are common culprits.  Don’t forget coconut.  It’s like if cleaning products smell like something we’d eat, then we’ll buy it.  (That’s what candles are for.)

I’m surprised we don’t  double fudge mint brownie hand soap or wedding cake scented body wash.  I’d eat it . . . I mean, wash with it.

Friday 8/6

Quesclamation

If you read the short welcome note on the side panel of my blog, you’ll see there’s a little part about how you’ll “maybe even learn something.”  Today’s one of those days. 

Have you ever heard of an interrobang?  No?  Good.  (If you have, then hats off to you, but for the majority of the English-speaking population, this is new.)  The first time I read about it, my first thought was, the whaty-what?  And, how come I never knew about this?  Well, the concept of the interrobang has been around for a while.  You’ve probably even been in a situation where you could have used one.  It’s used when someone needs to ask a question, but in a very emphatic way.  Like so:

You were driving 60 in a school zone?!

Or

Is that hot dog REALLY a whole foot long!?

The difference between the two is the order of the question mark and the exclamation point.  Which one is correct?  Both are actually okay, but the first one is more commonly practiced (that is, if you can find it commonly practiced).  But there’s an alternative to having to choose.  It’s called the interrobang, or the quesclamation mark.  (I like quesclamation mark because I like mixing words together.)  It looks like this:

                      ‽

It’s basically just an exclamation point sitting laid over top of a question mark.  And it’s completely legit, too.  It doesn’t work with every font, though.   Have you noticed, yet, that this post isn’t in the normal Times New Roman?  It’s Arial font.  Arial has the quesclamation built-in and Times New Roman doesn’t.  You just type “203D” and then hold “alt” and push “x”.  Voila!  It also works with Calibri and Helvetica.  You should try it.  It’s mildly fun.

Now, you can spend more time writing emphatic questions and less time pondering the proper placement of your punctuation. 

So get out there and exercise your punctual prowess!  What are you waiting for‽

Thursday 8/5

Masters of Logistics 4


Do you think this guy gets paid by the jug?

Wednesday 8/4

Yes, Please


For those long days at work . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 8/3

Recognition


So I took this picture a while ago . . . hold on, back up.

I used to work at Starbucks, for almost three years, actually.  (Sweet gig, by the way.  If you've ever thought, "I like Starbucks.  I wonder if it would be fun to work here", well it is.  You should definitely check it out.)  Anyway, I digress.

The recipe for hot chocolate at Starbucks calls for chocolate drizzle on top of the whipped cream.  Yum, right?  For fun, I used to use the pointed chocolate bottles to draw chocolate smiley faces on all of the ones I had time for (especially the kids ones.)  Someone ordered six hot chocolates once and we weren't busy, so I took a picture with my phone and sent it to facebook.

If you're at all familiar with facebook, it suggests all kinds of things to its users, like friends you should be friends with, groups you should join, movies and music you would like, etc.  It has another feature which lets you "tag" people in your photos.  That way, someone who is looking at your photos can run their mouse over someone in a photo and their name will pop up.  Just yesterday, facebook was thumbing through my photos and, in its infinite wisdom, decided to suggest I name the person in this picture (my hot chocolates from Starbucks from like three years ago):

At least the facebook-photo-search-so-you-can-tag-your-friends-engine got one thing right.  Hot chocolate is indeed my friend.  But then it asks, "Whose face is this?"  I didn't know what to say, so I put "Quasimoto."

I guess you could take one of two angles on this.  One, perhaps my prowess as a chocolate artiste is easily recognizable, even by the mechanical means of a computer program.  Or two, face recognition software is so pitiful that even my crude chocolate rendition of positive emotion was deciphered as human.

I think I'll go with the first one.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 8/2

Smart


I guess the name Smart Car doesn't necessarily imply anything about the owner.

By: S. Cole Garrett