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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Ode to the Waiter

Ode to the Waiter

Oh, how a simple, pleasant visit to the grocery store can be so quickly spun awry.  For what reason, you may ask?  The waiters . . . I hate the waiters.

The waiters I loath, however, are not the gentle people who bring good fare and friendliness to my restaurant table.  No.  The aforementioned are quite the opposite.  I'm referring to the parking spot prowlers, the people who cruise the entire lot looking for that one golden space.  You know which spot I'm talking about: the one just beyond the handicap preserve.  Waiters unscrupulously follow exiting shoppers to their vehicles and snatch their soon-to-be vacancy.  I despise getting stuck driving behind one.  What's worse?  When they wait for you. . .

You can practically feel their exhaust breathing down your neck and their glaring lights on the back of your head.  What do you do?  Move faster in fear?  Move slower in spite?  I choose spite.  And I have a few words for all the waiters out there:

You are the cloud for which I have to find the silver lining.

You are the dark side for which I need a bright.

You are the bad ending to a good book.

You are the lump in my pillow and the lumpy pillow that replaced it.

You are the bad apple in the basket and the fly in my soup.

Bottom line, sometimes I'd rather grow my own corn, raise my own chickens, and bake my own breakfast cereal than have someone wait behind me for my spot while I'm loading groceries in my car.  So for the love of all things deli and produce, please, just park a little further and walk.  You probably need it.


jennie said...

Ah, the Parking Lot Poachers. I like to lead them down a lane that I'm not parked in and then cut between rows of cars to get to my own. I guess that lands me in the "spiteful" category? ;)

Jon said...

Cole, you forgot "you are the boil on the ass of humanity."

Christine said...

I don't mind waiters because I feel like when I pull out of the spot I'm giving them a present...and everyone likes to give presents!

AmberLaShell said...

I hate those guys, I do go slower in spite.. make me feel good to know i am putting them out.

Anonymous said...

I'm with jennie on this one. If I'm just carrying bags and someone is following me for my spot, I lead them down the wrong aisle as well and then cut through cars to a completely different aisle to my car.
If I have time to kill and am feeling especially spiteful, I'll slowly lead them to my car, open the trunk, put my stuff away, then close my trunk and walk away from my car towards another store. Nothing better than watching them angrily pull away because I wasted so much of their time.

Excuse me - because they wasted so much of their own time. ;)

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