Friday 7/30

Don't Mess


Spoken like a true Texan . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/29

Masters of Logistics 3


You would think that in the time it took them to figure out how to load 16 trucks onto 1 truck, they could have just made two trips...

But what do I know?

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 7/28

Unpredictable

Can you guess what the weather is going to be like in 30 days from now?  Probably not correctly, but you can make a guess, right?  (Here, in Texas, I can say fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk hot, and I might even bet on it.)  Of course you can guess.  You can always guess.  Can you predict what word I’m going to say next?  Go ahead and try.

…

Porcupine!

Were you right?  Your odds are about one in 600,000.  (If you did guess right, I’d go buy a lottery ticket, if I were you.)  What’s my point?  We describe so many things, people, and events as unpredictable, but is that an accurate statement?  I don’t think so.

A prediction is basically a guess, right?  Well, you can guess pretty much anything.  You can guess how many accidents you’ll see on the way to work.  You can predict what song is going to come on the radio next.  You can predict anything.  The concept in question, however, is there anything that is truly unpredictable?  Again, I don’t think so.

Just because no one is guessing correctly when the world is going to end or who is going to be the next Justin Beiber doesn’t mean it can’t be guessed.  You can prophesize all day.  Who cares if you’re right or wrong?  A guess is a guess is a guess.  I say absolutely nothing is unpredictable.  We’re just not actively predicting everything.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 7/27

Better Names 2

A couple of weeks ago, there was a post about things with mal-descriptive names followed by suggested (and slightly more accurate) ones.  The list is endless.  At the very least, it continues here:

Name Is:                                 Name Should Be:

Fruit Cake                              “Fruit” Cake

I don’t know if you realize this, but that’s not fruit in there.

Tooth Brush                           Teeth Brush

I brush more than one tooth at time.  That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

Hot Dog                                  Mystery Tube

Hot?  Sure.  Dog?  Depends, where did you buy it?

Casserole                               Pan-amalgamate

First of all, it sounds like a “roll”.  And I’ve never eaten one in roll form.  I googled “Cass.”  That didn’t help explain it either.  (Actually, casserole is derived from the French word casse, which means “saucepan”… still doesn’t help.)

Glasses                                   Plastics

Glass glasses lenses are becoming sort of a novelty.  Plus, they can charge you more for super plastic.  Might as well call it what it is.

Restroom                                Business Room

Does anyone really find rest in the rest room?  I certainly don’t find it relaxing.  And neither the smell of ammonia nor bleach put me to sleep. 

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 7/26

Delete

I’ve noticed a very direct relationship between the length of time you have an email account and the amount of junk you receive.  The longer you have it, the more junk you get.  If you have a new email, it’s time to grab a mojito and sit out on the porch because you don’t have to waste that time cleaning out your email.  (Consider yourself lucky (or smart) if you don’t have this problem.) 

Granted, gmail tends to filter out most of the spam, but I still have to go through and delete the rest.  The problem is, it doesn’t really get … well … deleted.  It goes to a magic place: a folder called “Trash”.  Then, just like in real life, you have to empty the trash.  I laugh every time I see this button:

Delete Forever?  What’s the point?  Why not just delete it in the first place?

I suppose the “trash” system was designed to “dummy-proof” email.  Too many users were accidentally hitting delete on important emails, which inevitably led to uncontrollable wallowing in self pity and self-denial.  Terrible things happen when emails accidentally get deleted.  Jobs are lost…  Wars are started…  Justin Beiber becomes a superstar…  (At least, that’s how I understand it.) 

But what does that say about us, that the simple functions in our lives like email have to be dummy-proofed?  Are we all dummies?  I’d like to think not. 

(On the other hand, you can still buy Velcro shoes.)

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 7/23

Look No Further


This is Post #100!!!  Thank you, everyone who is reading Dry Humor Daily!  As silly as it sounds, it means a lot to me.  Here's to a hundred more!

Ever wonder how and why certain sites show up first when you google them?  In case you're unaware, there's a little thing out there called Search Engine Optimization (SEO).  In a nut shell, there is some crazy algorithm used for websites to get SEO ratings for page impressions, keyword searches, update frequency, blah, blah, blah.  (If you're seriously interested in SEO, you should google that, too.)  (Or there's also a good wiki out there.)  Anyway, the higher your "rating," the higher your site appears on the seemingly infinite list of websites google can find.  As of this morning, if you were to search for "Dry Humor" (not daily), then this website comes up as number 12 out of however many bazillion (8,630,000 to be exact).  Here's what it looks like:

The first thing I noticed is Yahoo Answers right below Dry Humor Daily.  Take that Yahoo Answers!  The curious of the world need to look no further than right here!  (I'll admit, not every post would necessarily fall under the category of dry humor, but I try.  The name of the site was more so chosen to describe me personally.)

The second thing I noticed is how close Dry Humor Daily is to the top of the second page of google searches.  Next stop, page one!!!

Thanks again, everyone.  :)

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/22

Filler

When listening to pop radio, it doesn’t take long to realize that all the songs are the same.  Actually, there are about seven or eight varieties, but almost every song is one of those varieties.  There are only so many ways you can bend a melody or mix up a beat to try and change it up.  (Nowadays, you don’t even have to be a good singer.  You can just make your voice electronic and sing virtually anything!)  Basically, the one thing you definitely do have to change is the words.  But what if you have song-writer’s block?  Don’t worry.  There’s still hope:  Fillers.

Great and not-so-great songwriters alike all do this.  The cheesy filler.  Here’s an example I made up.  (Chances are, someone has already written this, but hey!  That’s the music business.)

            “I need a clue.

What am I to do?

            I’m falling in love with you…

            Toniiiiiiiiiiight.”

Did you catch that?  “Clue” rhymes with “do”, okay.  Good.  “Do” rhymes with “you.”  Typical.  But wait!  Tonight?  That doesn’t rhyme with anything!  It’s like I still had some music left in the phrase, but I ran out of words.  I didn’t know how to finish.  So, I used one of the worst fillers ever: tonight.  (And even worse, I stretched it out.  It seems like whenever you hear “tonight” at the end of a phrase, it’s always “toniiiiiiiiiiight”.)  Need proof?  Just google how many song lyrics have “tonight” in them.  It’s completely overused. 

There is a pristine example on the radio currently.  Have you heard Hey, Soul Sister, by Train?  (Google that one, too, if you need to.  Or youtube, whatever.)  Not only does the song not make a whole lot of sense, Pat Monahan kills it with….. toniiiiiiiiiiight at the end of the chorus. 

There are other bad fillers, too, like “sometimes” and “again”, but none as noticeable and as widespread as “tonight.”  My advice is if you want to enjoy listening to the radio, don’t listen too closely, you might lose a few brain cells in the process.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 7/21

Masters of Logistics 2


Well, sure, that gets rid of one blind spot, but . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 7/20

Masters of Logistics


Let's just say, some of us have it, and some of us don't.

I wonder if that thing is hard to parallel park...

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 7/19

Check or Cheque

What’s the difference between check and cheque?  (Other than the obvious spelling difference.)  I only wish it were as exciting as it looks.  The word “Check” has about 50 meanings.  The word “Cheque” has only one definition: see check. 

Okay………

Then why even have two spellings?  Turns out, “Cheque” is the British spelling and “Check” is everything but.  Well you know what that tells me?  “Cheque” is just a fancier way to spell it.  You can make pretty much any mundane definition of the word “Check” and make it a “Cheque.”  Here’s an example:

Check:                                                             Cheque:

                    

As far as I can tell, any check with a European castle printed on it deserves the rank of “Cheque.”  (Especially the Neuschwanstein Castle pictured above)  (Even though it’s not British)  Castles always beat standard banking security markings in a fancy-fest. 

Here’s another example you may or may not be aware of:

A game of chess with hollow, made-in-china, plastic pieces ends with “Checkmate.”

A game of chess with hand-carved, endangered, African-elephant-tusk-ivory pieces ends with “Chequemate.”

So, do you want to add some fance to your life?  Start saying “cheque” instead of “check.”  Even though they sound exactly the same and no one will be able to discern the difference, at least you’ll know in your own mind just how fancy you are!

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 7/16

BP Put a Cork In It

Congratulations, BP.  You’ve officially made a viable attempt to stop oil from spewing into the Gulf of Mexico.  And in American fashion, they outsourced the plug’s construction!

Oh, and according to BP, “this is not the time to celebrate.”  That’s code for “We’re not even sure if it’s going to work!”

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/15

Labels!


I decided to start adding labels to all of my posts.  If you look right underneath each one, you'll see a couple of words, separated by commas.  You can click on them and it will bring up all of the posts with the same label.  Pretty neat, huh?  (I thought so.  But then again, I think a lot of geeky things are kind of cool.)  Anyway, I went back and added labels to all prior posts.  So check it out.  I added some of the most popular labels to this post so you could try it.

Enjoy!

Wednesday 7/14

Mile Marker

If you’ve been reading for a while, you may know that government is always a great source of humor.  Endless, too, I might add.  You don’t even have to look that hard.  As a matter of fact, I noticed a shining example about every 5,280 feet on my drive home from Houston last weekend. 

For about 20 miles, going north on I-35W, I noticed something peculiar.  There were TWO mile markers every mile.  I looked something like this:

(This isn’t actually Texas, by the way, I fudged this picture.  But it’s pretty much exactly what I saw, minus the trees.  I tried to whip out my camera and snap a picture, but I was driving alone and by the time I thought I might just pull over to take a picture, the double markers had stopped.) 

First of all, what the heck?  Mile markers don’t really wear out and need replacing.  The ones I saw were perfectly fine.  Second, why didn’t they take down the old ones?  In some cases, they just bolted one mile marker on the same pole, below the other.  Other ones had their own poles, posted right next the existing one, literally inches away.  Third, who paid for this?  YOU DID!  Ha!  Instead of fixing that ridiculous pothole or cover that profane graffiti or buy some books for a school in need, your tax dollars made superfluous mile markers in the middle of nowhere. 

I wouldn’t recommend writing a letter to your representative or anything.  They know what’s best.  Remember, “Don’t Mess With Texas!”

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 7/13

Better Names

Sometimes, the names we use for things really miss the mark, don’t they?  They should invite more people to these imaginary naming conventions because I think, collectively, we could do a lot better.  Here are a few examples among the thousands upon thousands out there:

Name is:                                 Name should be:

Rubber Cement                     Rubber Glue

-There’s nothing “cement-y” about it.  It’s just rubbery.

Peanut Butter                        Peanut Spread

-Butter?  Last time I checked, peanuts don’t come from cows.

Cursive                                   Socially acceptable sloppiness

-They should stop making kids learn cursive in elementary school and just move the curriculum to med school.

Refried Beans                        Mashed beans

-They’re not even fried once.  I mean, come on…

Highlighter                             Yellow marker

-I’m just calling it how I see it.

Sport Utility Vehicle              Utility Vehicle

-Bottom line: not sporty.  Maybe they should try “Small” utility vehicle.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 7/12

Flush

Have you ever gone to take a drink from a water fountain (always located near the restrooms) and you hear a toilet flush from within one of the bathrooms?  And then the water shooting out of the fountain you’re drinking from goes down momentarily?  Once the toilet flush has finished, then the water fountain squirts back at the original level?  Well, I don’t know about you, but I get a little weirded out.  I can’t help but wonder about the connection between my fountain water and the toilet water.  (And that’s usually when I stop drinking.) 

My default thoughts when this happens are:

Either the toilets next to this fountain use drinking water…

…Or this drinking fountain uses toilet water!

Do you know how water gets out of the faucet?  Water pressure.  (In case you don’t remember, there was already a post about water towers.)  There’s no electric-powered machine pushing water through all the pipes.  It’s pretty simple physics and gravity.  (Unless, of course, you think physics is unequivocally complicated.  Then it would be unequivocally complicated physics and gravity.)  Anyway, if the water pressure from one affects the other, then the chances are, they do come from the same source.  Yummy!  The same sort of thing often happens when I’m washing my hands in a public restroom.  I hear a toilet flush and the water goes down just a little bit. . .  And I’m momentarily discomforted all the same. 

Rest assured, though.  There is probably some sort of filter for the water that comes out of the water fountain.

…Or is there?

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 7/9

Sharp


Why not just say "Touch Me"?
And don't forget to read the fine print.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/8

Just Around The Corner


I've been super busy lately.  (You can tell when I have short posts, or pictures I can find).

I remember feeling this way.
(Oh, and did they really only have 2 "E"s?)

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 7/6

Baby Lift


Some things are just instinct...

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 7/6

Not Sure

This question appears when you apply online for a job at a particular nation-wide chain of craft stores.

I just wanna know. . .

WHO CLICKS “I’M NOT SURE”??

The questionnaire should just say “No” 

Or “Click here if you don’t want to get hired”

You would have to be completely unconfident and completely stupid to select “I’m not sure.”  And if someone were going to answer “Fairly Confident,” then why not just go all out and choose “Very confident”? 

This question was designed and included in this application either to weed out certain applicants or as a practical joke.  I’m going to give unnamed-national-craft-store-chain the benefit of the doubt and say practical joke.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 7/2

Alex

Weathermen officially need cue cards.  I heard this on the news Wednesday morning:

“Luckily, hurricane Alex has taken a swing South and will now be hitting northern Mexico, and not Texas.”

Lucky, huh?  Not very sympathetic, is he?  (I’m not going to tell you who it was, because I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus.)  If you ask me, hurricanes are bad news no matter what country they hit.  I don’t care if we do have illegal immigration problems with our southern neighbor, I wouldn’t wish them ill will.  If we were all lucky the hurricane would have died back down to a tropical storm and then down to just some drizzle that hits the coast. 

You know what, though?  The anchor probably didn’t even realize what he said.  (He probably didn’t mean it that way, either, but he said it.)  But do you think the weather people on the Mexican news stations proclaim their good fortune when a hurricane turns to Texas?  I doubt seriously. 

So if a fire ever burns down your neighbor’s house with everyone in it, don’t tell an interviewer, “Luckily, it wasn’t us!”  Have some compassion.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/1

Top 10

Do you ever mold facts to your advantage?  Or shape your semantics to intentionally give the wrong impression?  I’ll bet you do.  Here’s an example:  “I didn’t quite make it on time to work.”  In reality, “I was late to work,” but that doesn’t sound as good.  The first example kind of takes the edge off of “I was late.”  Oppositely, we sometimes twist truth to spice-up the otherwise mundane.  Good advertisers are masters of this. 

I heard an example on the radio the other day.  One of the main underlying reasons you should buy the car they were selling was because it made the Kelly Blue Book’s list of the Top 10 Cool Cars Starting Under $18,000.  Really?  Is that the best they could come up with?  Are there even ten cool cars starting under $18,000?  Apparently there are.  I looked at the list, and here’s what I discovered: 

#1  There are maybe two cars on the list which have cool-potential.  But even still, to actually be cool, they would probably need some customization, inside and out, to get there.  And it would definitely no longer be under $18,000. 

#2  Americans can’t make cool cars starting under $18,000.  Oh wait, there’s one.  The Ford Fiesta.  Let’s party.

#3  These cars start under $18,000.  “Start” pretty much means the lowest of the low models.  Well, a $17,999 makes the cut, but if you don’t want to be rolling the windows up by hand, you better expect to whip out a few more bucks.  (And don’t even mention alloy wheels or sunroofs.)

#4  Based on the un-cool-ness of some of the vehicles on the list, I’m wondering how many cars didn’t make it.  I have a feeling there are only 11 candidates and they only had to weed out one of them to make a “Top 10” list. 

Maybe I’m just immune to advertisements because I’ve studied them for so long.  I pick them apart more than I actually listen to their messages.  Maybe I just think too much…

By: S. Cole Garrett