Monday 5/31

Happy Memorial Day


I'm taking the day off just like everyone else.

Friday 5//28

Twenty-Three

Dr Pepper.  You either really love it or you really hate it.  I’m from Texas, so … I think I’m legally bound to openly love it.  (In secret, I’m more or less on the fence.  If I really had a hankerin’ for a soda and there was only Dr Pepper, I would drink it.  I certainly don’t go out of my way, though.)  Well, whether you’re a pepper or not, we can all agree on one question.  What in the world is up with the whole ’Authentic Blend of 23 Flavors’ thing and how could anyone possibly taste them all?

Since when did Dr Pepper have 23 flavors?  As long as I can remember, it only had one: Dr Pepper flavor.  I’ve tried to sit down and guess a few of them, but I don’t come up with much.  Is High Fructose Corn Syrup one of them?  Because that’s what I’m tasting.  Sweet-ness!  You could go on the website to inquire about the mystery, but you’ll find a very cliché answer.  “It’s top secret.”  I rolled my eyes when I read this.  They do, however, assure the public that prune juice is definitely not one of the 23 flavors.

They protect the ‘top secret’ recipe as if it’s written directly on the missing minutes of the Watergate tapes or something!  It’s silly if you ask me.  It’s like the press finally gave up on prodding Coca-Cola for their secret recipe, so they asked DP, “Coke won’t tell us what’s in coke.  So what’s your secret, Dr Pepper?”  Dr Pepper responded with, “oh.  Um.  Well…it’s a secret, too.  Why don’t you go bug Pepsi.” 

Secrets are for 3^rd graders.  Just tell us, already.  We all know Dr Pepper is just cherry-flavored root beer.

What other soda just happens to have a lot of ingredients?  Root Beer.  Many people agree that Dr Pepper’s mysterious taste profile is remarkably similar to root beer, with just a little extra something.  The two most common ideas for that extra flavor are vanilla and cherry.  Here is a list of the 23 most popular guesses for what comprises the elusive blend: Cherry, Vanilla, Almond, Plum, Blackberry, Raspberry, Apricot, Coriander, Clove, Amaretto, Anise, Caramel, Molasses, Birch Beer, Allspice, Ginger, Sasparilla Sassafras, Juniper, Spikenard, Wintergreen, Burdock, and Dandelion.  Now can you taste them all?  Not unless you can blindly pinpoint tastes like Spikenard and Burdock.  I know I can’t.

It’s only a matter of time before DP moves on to a different advertising campaign.  Until then, all we can do is keep on loving it or keep on hating it. 

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 5/27

Lock Down

There is a reason they invented these:

... to prevent this:

Wednesday 5/26

4^th Meal

Do you know why they call breakfast breakfast?  It’s pretty simple.  By eating it, you are breaking the fast of sleeping.  The reason the time between dinner and breakfast is twice as long as between other meals is because you should be sleeping and recovering your body.  One thing you probably shouldn’t be doing is eating!  Not according to Taco Bell.

I realize 4^th meal has been around for a while, but something made me think of it the other day (Probably when I was out for a midnight burrito).  It’s like someone at Taco Bell HQ was thinking, “our sales are really low in the middle of the night.  Now how do we turn that around?  Oh, I know!  How about we throw the entire traditional, 3-meal-a-day concept out the window and make people think that it’s healthy to eat late and sleep on a full stomach!”

It’s genius!  Except the part about throwing the entire traditional, 3-meal-a-day concept out the window and making people think that it’s healthy to eat late and sleep on a full stomach.  The last thing we need at the end of the day is a day’s-worth of calories.  Oh well, there’s no point in fighting it.  As a matter of fact, many people embrace it.  I probably won’t be eating too many 4^th meals, but I’ll roll with it, too.

There is, however, one thing I can’t understand.  What’s up with all of the backward ‘3’s in place of ‘E’s.  If they’re trying to send a subliminal message or something, I’m not getting it.  It’s just distracting.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 5/25

Name Game

Most of the time, we never question why things are called what they are.  We just accept it and move on.  A road is a road.  A corkboard is a board made of cork.  I don’t how the stapler got its name, but I’m willing to accept its uniqueness.  Pretty straight forward, right?  But there are plenty of things out there which have names that don’t make much sense at all.  I’ve rounded up a couple and asked one of my favorite questions: Why?

Speaker

Why are speakers called speakers?  Mine don’t speak.  (And they certainly don’t make speeches.)  It’s a real odd ball because practically every other computer component and peripheral has a logical name.  The processor, the keyboard, and the monitor are all as clear as day to me.  Even the mouse at least resembles a small vermin.  Speakers, though, missed the mark.  Maybe they should be called “sounders” or “noisies.”  (I’m not in the business of making up names.  That’s the best I could come up with.)  We’ll never outlive this one, though.  They’ve been calling them speakers since the first telephone was invented.

Hot Dog

Trying to uncover the origin of the term hot dog is like trying to find the City of Atlantis.  We’re not even sure if it’s out there, and if it is, we sure don’t know where to look.  The term ‘hot dog’ is exactly 50% easy to understand.  It’s served hot.  But the other half is a head-scratcher.  Dog?  Well, it’s not made of dog.  It doesn’t look like a dog.  It doesn’t taste like a . . . not that I would know.  Sorry, but it looks like we’re going to have to live with this one, too.  I guess you could call it a ‘frank,’ which actually does make sense, but where’s the mystery in that?

Wi-Fi

This is a new one.  Wi-Fi is a play on the term Hi-Fi from the 1950s.  That being said, Wi-Fi would stand for ‘wireless fidelity.’  Okay, okay.  Wireless: check.  Fidelity: huh?  Yeah, fidelity as in ‘strict observance of promises, duties’ or ‘conjugal faithfulness.’  Here’s the kicker: the trade group that owns the Wi-Fi brand, The Wi-Fi Alliance, can’t even agree on the term.  The alliance has used ‘wireless fidelity’ in press releases and ads, but they’ve also made a public statement saying ‘wi-fi was never meant to mean anything.’  Sounds like a bunch of finger-pointers are running around that place.  Oh well, I’ll stick with Wi-Fi.  It’s kind of catchy. 

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 5/24

Awful Advertising


Somewhere between losing sleep over the finale of LOST and selling old stuff on eBay, I've been hard at work writing for the Spiteful Critic.  The challenge this time was to gather and poke fun at the 10 most ill-conceived advertising campaigns.  It was fun to write and I think you'll enjoy reading it.  Here is the link:

The 10 Most Ill-Conceived Advertising Campaigns

Friday 5/21

The Finale, Finally!

Something BIG is happening this Sunday!  I’m not talking about World Turtle Day or Drew Carey’s birthday, either.  I’m talking about LOST.  Yep.  The final chapter in a lot of viewers’ lives will come to a close around 7/6 central this Sunday night.  And can I just say…thank goodness!

Season six has been frustrating beyond belief.  Week in, week out, we were promised answers to this and answers to that, and what did we get?  Answers to all the questions we had far less interest in, like how there are a bunch of dead people running around showing themselves to only certain people.  On top of that, more questions kept popping up in season six.  What the heck is up with the flash sideways?  How and why did John Locke get to be the smoke monster schmuck?  Most importantly, what is the island?  Purgatory?  Hell?  A dream?  A freaking snow globe? 

I don’t have the time and energy to pour into trying to decide and theorize about how it’s going to end.  I can, however, share with you the top three endings that I don’t want to happen.

#1  It was all a dream.  An entire empire of Lost fans would collapse around this ending.  A dream would be one of the all-time biggest let-downs in TV series finale history.  I don’t watch that many shows on ABC, or any network for that matter, but I would probably boycott ABC shows if this were to happen. 

#2  Jack wakes up in the bamboo field just like in the beginning of season 1.  He runs to the beach to find a new plane crash with people screaming and things exploding.  If things are going to come full circle in the finale of LOST, it had better not be all the way around.  It would be highly disappointing and lacking creativity. 

#3  If the show ends with a big, fat question mark.  Say, the island moves again, or the very, very last scene shows Locke still alive as the smoke monster.  As a corollary, if they fail to explain DHARMA and continue to leave us in the dark about the man in black, it would be highly frustrating.

Well, here’s to a great ending!  It’s going to be a nail-biter.

Thursday 5/20

Double Down

What sounds better than a heart attack?  How about a couple slabs of cholesterol and some sizzling sodium sticks slathered with indigestion squeezed between two heart attacks?  (Better drink some orange juice when you’re done to thin your blood if you want to live to see another day.)  That’s right, I’m talking about the Double Down from KFC.  Take a moment and bask…

 Pretty soon, doctors are going to stop saying, “what are you eating to make your cholesterol and blood pressure so high” and start asking, “how many double downs have you been scarfing lately?”  (and to them, the answer had better be less than 1.) 

Companies should definitely listen to the voices of their customers.  Products will ultimately be improved and enhanced.  It’s good for the company’s PR and, hey, customer like having a little say in the big bad world of fast food.  Unfortunately for our arteries, KFC listened a little too closely.  The commercials show grown men demanding “More Meat!” and “I’m still hungry!”  Well, they got it!  And since KFC can’t seem to sell you a salad to fill you up, they decided to just do more of what they do best: Fried Chicken.  Yeehaw! 

You know what else?  KFC just announced that the Double Down has been successful beyond their wildest dreams and they are going to keep on selling them longer than they had originally planned.  Haven’t tried it yet?  Rest assured, it’ll be around for a while. 

Only Americans could come up with foods like the 4+ patty BK Stacker, the McRib, and now the Double Down.  Big fast food empires continue to roll in their riches while we roll in our…rolls.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 5/19

Reduce, Reuse, and what?!

How could this topic have been avoided this long: Going Green.  Recycle your bottles and cans!  Reuse your grocery bags!  Reuse your reusable grocery bags! (which are terrible for the environment if you throw them away, by the way.)  Don’t drink bottled water!  Don’t shower!  You’d be fooling yourself if you don’t think the green movement is going a little overboard.  And by little, I mean a lot!

I’m all for saving the environment and trees.  Although, if you know me, you know what I say about saving trees: “Lumberjacks gotta have jobs, too, ya know!”  And we can do some pretty cool things with all those used plastic grocery bags, like make park benches and sidewalks.  I think recycling is great, as long as it’s convenient.  So where does all that stuff (crap) go?

Right back around to YOU!

Sometimes you know it, and sometimes you don’t.  If you wipe your hands on paper towels in a public restroom, they’re probably made from recycled paper.  Eat cereal out of a box?  Gotchya there, too.  Many plastic bottles and jugs are made at least in part from recycled materials.  Some consumers consciously buy post-consumer products knowingly and supportively!  Yay, go them.  You know when they really deserve applause, though?  When such consumers take it to this level:

Oh, yeah, baby!  Toilet paper that’s already…been… … post-consumed.  Are you rushing out to get some right now?  Probably not.  Not because you’re still reading, but because it just doesn’t have a good ring to it, does it?  Recycled toilet paper!  The future in hind-wiping!  I’ll pass.  Besides, it got some poor product reviews.  Apparently, it’s too “scratchy.”  I can’t guess why.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 5/18

Demonstration

Do you ever fall asleep on the couch with the TV on and suddenly get woken up by a screaming infomercial?  Sure you do.  Pay no attention and if you don’t turn it off quickly, you’ll get sucked in!  (And most likely fall back asleep on the couch.)  Why are they so catchy?  Probably because they’re chock full of demonstrations and testimonials.  Well, let’s just assume that most of the testimonials are rehearsed.  That leaves us with demonstrations. 

Demonstrations are great!  Without product demonstrations, we would have no state fair.  (and with no state fair, no state fair corn dogs.  What a travesty!)  We consumers love to see and feel things before they buy them.  We love to see how things work.  Infomercials do a great job of that and just about everything else except letting you touch the product.  The problem is: no one likes them and rarely do people go out of their way to watch them.  At least we don’t admit to it. 

Big companies know that demonstrations are still great tools, so they try to work them into the short commercials you see on regular TV.  It’s marginally convincing.  There are only so many ways you can instantly prove one paper towel can pick up more spilled spaghetti sauce than another.  This tissue holds your sneeze better than this one!  This shampoo makes you hair look more like this celebrity than that one!  It’s endless.  You have to draw the line somewhere.

So I’ve seen this Pampers commercial several times now which demonstrates, well, absolutely nothing.  It shows some babies crawling and laughing and then two computer-generated diapers get computer-generated simulation baby pee on them.  Then, two computer-generated volley balls bounce in the diapers and then roll back to show how the inferior diaper lets more simulated baby pee on its demonstration ball.  WHAT THE HECK?!  NONE OF IT IS EVEN REAL!  The whole demo was digital!  If you know what commercial I’m talking about, look closer next time.  What’s the point of giving a demonstration if it’s completely fabricated? 

It’s really quite funny because I’m sure some schmuck out there seriously thought, “Ooh, that Pampers diaper does hold more pee!  Would ya look at that!”   Come on, Big-Multi-National-Company, we’re not that stupid! . . . yet!

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 5/17

Hey everyone, I just had a lengthy article published at another website called Spiteful Critic.  It's called "10 Ways to Pretend You Know Something About Wine (When You're Actually F-ing Clueless).  You should definitely check it out!  I would post it here, on Dry Humor Daily, but, you know, I'm not allowed to.  So here is the link:

10 Ways to Pretend You Know . . .

Enjoy!

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 5/14

I'm still out of commission.  I'm going to the doctor today, so I should be back to writing full-length posts by Monday.  Until then, click the link below to see your tax dollars hard at work.  Have a good weekend!

Tax Dollars Working Hard

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 5/13

Hey everyone.  I've been sick yesterday and today, so I didn't have an opportunity to write.  Here's something funny I found anyway.

Thanks for the warning.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 5/12

Thrifty

Below is a conversation from one of my favorite movies.  In this scene, an IRS agent is auditing the owner of a sweets bakery:

Harold Crick:   It says, in the file, that you only paid for part of your taxes for last year.

Ana Pascal:      That’s right.

Harold Crick:   Looks like only 78 percent.

Ana Pascal:      Yep.

Harold Crick:   So you did it on purpose?

Ana Pascal:      Yep.

Harold Crick:   So you must’ve been expecting an audit.

Ana Pascal:      Um, I was expecting a fine, or a sharp reprimand.

Harold Crick:   A reprimand?  This isn’t boarding school, Miss Pascal.  You stole from the government.

(Harold pesters Ana more here, but I’m trying to keep the post within reasonable length.)

Ana Pascal:      Listen, I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes and erecting swing sets and building shelters. I am *more* than happy to pay those taxes. I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage that the government uses for national defense, corporate bailouts, and campaign discretionary funds. So, I didn't pay those taxes. I think I sent a letter to that effect with my return. 

Harold Crick:   Would it be the letter that beings "Dear Imperialist Swine"? 

Well, I saw this the other day, which is what made me think of the movie in the first place:

(Yep, that’s Haltom City, Texas.)  Let’s play a little question and answer.

Could this officer arrest someone and haul them away in the back seat?  No.

Could Haltom City Police afford two patrol cars for the price of that one?  Probably.

Is this car good for anything other than chasing down speeders and looking cool?  Not likely.

Are there hundreds of better ways to spend our tax dollars (like fixing roads and building parks)?  Yes.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 5/11

Plain Plane

Try saying this to yourself, aloud.  (Yes, it works better out loud.  Use your three-inch voice, if necessary.)

 - The heir was weigh two chili four the week might, sew it staid inn awl knight.

You might be wondering what in the world this means.  (You might also be wondering what an awl is.)  It doesn’t make much sense, right?  Try repeating the phrase to someone nearby.  They may hear it more like this:

 - The air was way too chilly for the weak mite, so it stayed in all night.

English can be a tiresome language sometimes.  There are so many rules.  Worse, there seem like infinitely more exceptions to all the rules.  I took four years of Spanish in college and the more I got into it, the more I realized how difficult it must be to learn English.  Using the example above, despite what you read to someone (the first line), they might hear something completely different (the second line).  If you can recall second grade, you probably learned about these types of words: homophones. 

Homophones are words which sound alike, but are spelled differently and have different meanings.  There are twelve in the example above. 

Most homophone errors are committed in writing.  Things like when to use “compliment” or “complement.”  (I’m still not always confident using that word.)  How about “ensure,” “insure,” or “assure.”  (I know, “assure” isn’t exactly a homophone of the other two, but it goes with them and certainly leads to just as much confusion.)  It can be very frustrating having so many of what sound like the same word.  So why so many?

I wish there were a good reason, but trying to explain it just makes it worse.  You see, most experts agree English has some 600,000 plus words (according to Oxford), 200,000 of which are in common use.  With the exception of German, most major world languages have about half that many words in common use.  (Why exclude German?  Because English is a West Germanic language.  They’re similar.  Even still, Germans use less than 200,000 common words.) 

My point is, with so many words, we’re bound to end up with some that sound alike.  All I can do is wish you the best next time you come up to deciding to use either “adverse” or “averse.”  I can tell you now, spell check won’t always save you.  In fact, it didn’t even offer one suggestion to correct the example at the beginning of this article.  Thanks, spell check!

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 5/10

History

Take a look at this for a second.

Figure it out?  If yes, continue reading.  If not, think just a little bit more.  Take your time. . . . Ok, let’s move on.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw this version introduced into the ranks of themed Monopoly boards.  Why, exactly?  Is it because umpires tend to maintain an uncomfortably close distance between them and the catcher?  Nope.  Is it because there’s a picture of a hot dog positioned in the upper left-hand corner, making it look like the umpire is thinking more about lunch than making calls?  No.  It’s because Major League Baseball is a monopoly.  This is essentially a game about trying to gain a monopoly over an organization that is, well, already a monopoly.  Why don’t they just call this one “History”?   

(In another twist of irony, Monopoly was originally owned by three brothers, George, Charles, and Edward (the Parker brothers).  Parker Brothers was eventually bought by General Mills, then Tonka, and ultimately Hasbro. The Monopoly patent brand is now owned by one company, kind of like a monopoly, using the right semantics.) 

So Major League Baseball escapes anti-trust laws in both the real world and in make-believe, board game world.  That’s convenient.  Well, I guess it won’t be long before we see Farm-opoly or Labor Union-opoly.  Oh wait, there is a Farm-opoly.  Figures . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 5/7

iCouldCareLess

We’re quickly becoming an iWorld.  iYep.  You name it, there might just be an iSubstitute for it.  iTV.  iBook.  iHome.  iKitchen Sink.  iArtificial Leg.  iEye.  iBreakfast Cereal.  (i . . . think I made some of those up.)  It’s exhausting, for me at least, to see the most obscure off-brands come up with something iPod compatible.  Thanks iCarta, for the iPod dock/toilet paper holder (yes, that’s real!)  I personally feel like the Apple brand gets relentlessly cheapened by the onslaught of iPod docks, clocks, and . . . I don’t know, rocks, that keep hitting the shelf.  If you can stick an iPod on it, you can sell it!  Where do we draw the line?

Well, I think this one takes the cake:

Crap!  A perfectly-formed, not-so-steamy pile of, you guessed it, crap!  I only wish this was real.  (You know, Billy Mays could probably sell this if he were still alive.)   

Even though this is a joke, it does, in fact represent a lot of what is being sold out there under the i-name.  Crap.  Case in point, I bought some cool, triangular iPod speakers some time ago and all they did was suck dry some perfectly good batteries and get blown out at half-volume. 

Do yourself a favor.  If you have an iPod, and you’re considering buying a fancy gadget to go with it, don’t do it.  It’ll just fuel the iPhenomenon.  Besides, don’t iPods come with speakers?

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 5/6

Nice Wheels

Variety is the spice of life, right?  Normally, I would completely agree, but today’s post makes two in a row on a subject involving motor vehicles.  Car buffs, wipe that drool from your lip.  Everyone else, sit tight.  (I was gonna say ‘buckle up,’ but I changed my mind.)  Not to worry, I’m not scraping the bottom of the barrel for articles, I just draw inspiration from every day life.  (And what can I say, I drive every day.)  So let me begin with this:

“What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

I know what you might be thinking.  What does Shakespeare have to do with cars?  Well, not much.  I think Juliet just has a nice way with words.  Well, mash ‘em together and you get, “What’s in a car’s name?”  Ok, now we’re talking.  So…

How does a car company sell one of its own?  Well, style would be nice.  Comfort.  Reliability.  Speed, for some.  Cup holders.  You know, the standards.  How about a good name, like Corvette!  Or Lamborghini Diablo!  A good name definitely stands the test of time.  The opposite is true, as well.  One sure fire way to kill a product is to slap a terrible name on it.  I saw this winner driving down the road recently.  Behold!  The Ford Probe!

Go ahead.  Get all the probe jokes out of your system.  I’ll wait.

This car was doomed from the start!  The salesmen at all of the Ford dealerships at the time had to introduce, tongue-in-cheek, their new lines of Probes to their unwitting buyers.  And to top it off, you can buy it in Refrigerator White!  You know, someone with lots of money in a huge corner office with an exotic wood desk and a plush leather chair had to sign the dotted line commissioning the Ford Probe into production.  DID HE (or maybe she) MISS THE PART WHERE IT SAID THE CAR WAS TO BE NAMED ‘PROBE’?  The reason we have history books is so that we don’t repeat our greatest mistakes.  And there are plenty to learn from, too!  Subaru’s BRAT: Failure!  AMC’s Gremlin: Flop (and ugly, to boot)!  Renault’s LeCar: Tell me something I don’t know. 

If there’s anything you can take from this, it’s this advice.  Don’t buy a car named after a medical instrument.  Especially one that goes there.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 5/5

Lucky

Can you go an entire day without using an acronym?  No, probably not.  We live in a world absolutely, positively overflowing with them.  For example, most web addresses start with “www,” which is the world wide web (I’m hoping you already knew that).  (Oh, and if you’re trying to think of an acronymless website without the “www,” think again, because they still start with “http” which stands for Hypertext Transfer Protocol.)  If you even think about the military, you’ll probably run into an acronym or two . . . thousand.  The military has so many that they even have an acronym for their acronyms: they have what are called TLAs, or Three Letter Acronyms.  Us non-militaries use G2G and LOL in our texts and twitter tweets so we can squeeze in every possible phrase, emotion, and reaction.  Or maybe because we’re just lazy. 

There’s a good chance you have one in your own daily vocabulary.  If you don’t, well you probably hear at least one daily.  Well, here’s one you definitely should know . . .

. . .because obviously the Texas Department of Transportation forgot to take this one out of the to-be-rejected-from-randomly-generated-license-plate-numbers.  (I only wish I were lucky enough to have gotten plates like these on my own car.  This picture is of a vehicle that was idling in front of me at a red light, one day.)  So who missed this?  And what are the odds? 

First, off, perhaps no one missed excluding WTF from six-digit texas license plates because they started being stamped over 30 years ago, before WTF meant anything.  And it’s not like anyone was going to go back and change any of them (we Texans don’t like change).  What you randomly get is what you randomly get.  Period.

So what are the odds?  Worse, mathematically speaking, now that Texas issues seven-digit plates.  Cross all the fingers you’ve got, because your chances are about one in ten thousand (not too bad, compared to the lottery).  Trust me, I crunched the numbers.  Too bad, huh?

What’s the best way to get your favorite acronym on you car?  Find the right bumper sticker…

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 5/4

Poor Placement

I had a delayed reaction walking down the aisle at the grocery store the other day.  I glanced over at a Tyson promotional display and noticed a package of fully-cooked Hickory Smoked bacon.  Hmm... , I thought, whaddya know.  Bacon that doesn’t need to be refrigerated.  After about eight more steps I thought, Ew! Bacon that doesn’t need to be refrigerated!?  I immediately turned around and marched back to the display.  I picked one up and examined the bag.  I shook it like I was trying to figure out what was in a Christmas present.  The piggy strips jumbled around inside.  I probably looked like an idiot, but I was amazed. 

Now, I don’t know that I’ve ever purchased bacon to cook for myself so I admit my inexperience in the bacon realm.  Maybe this stuff has been around for a while.  (Seems kind of lazy, if you ask me.  But then again, bacon is a pain in the butt to cook and it takes forever.)  No sooner than I came to grips with the product in my hands, I realized exactly which aisle I had just marched back down in disbelief.  These two things were right next to each other:

Yep.  If I wanted to, I could buy fabric softener, laundry detergent, toilet paper, a mop, and bacon all in the same aisle.  I’m no expert, but wouldn’t bacon sell better in the bacon aisle, or at least next to the cheese, refrigerated bagels, sausages, etc.?  (It’s true, I’m not an expert, but I do have a degree in marketing and I seem to recall a chapter in some book about placing similar products next to each other in the store.)  I mean, if I smell Spring Breeze and Lavender and Fresh Linen aromas, I don’t get a hankerin’ for some bacon. 

A while ago (April 7, if you need to go back and read), I wrote an article about how there’s always someone who has to decide where things go in a store.  They don’t just magically appear there.  Well, that someone needs to wake up and smell the bacon!

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 5/3

Too, Also

Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t watch Oprah.  It is, however, usually on the TV when I get home from work.  Therefore, I often overhear what’s being said, and who’s the guest, and all that jazz.  Well one day last week, I was within earshot of Oprah interviewing Rielle Hunter.  (Rielle Hunter, in case you aren’t aware, is the woman John Edwards had an affair with before everything went downhill for him.)  (John Edwards, also in case you need a refresher, was a contender for the Democratic presidential candidacy before Obama beat him out.)  This is by no means an exact quote from the interview, but the general idea is there.  Once you get past all the “Love conquers all” and the “Hearts speak louder than minds” crap Rielle Hunter was blinking on about, you’ll find the real benign essence of her dialogue.

Oprah:  Do you admit to it being a mistake that you were the subject of John Edwards cheating on his wife, Elizabeth?

Reille:  First of all, we love each other.  That being said, it was a mistake that I will never repeat again.

Throughout the entire interview, anyone with a brain could see how full of crap Rielle Hunter is.  She dodges almost every question.  She blinks a lot (which could, in fact, be natural, but when you’re trying not to like someone, it’s easy to hold it against them.)  She had to concentrate on looking straight at Oprah to answer questions.  She still refuses to admit a relationship.  She admitted how sneaky she had been.  She blinks a lot (did I already say that?).  Anyway, leave it to me to pick out the un-obvious here.  She hit on one of my personal pet peeves.  She said, (and this is a direct quote) “… I will never repeat again.”

Repeat again?  Those two words basically mean the same thing. 

Repeat = do something again.

Again   = repeat.

Hmm…  People do this all the time and in my opinion, it’s ignorant.  It’s like saying something is enormously big!  That’s just an adjective describing an adjective (an ad-adjective, I suppose).  Here’s another one for you, “sopping wet.”  Well, if something is sopping, isn’t it implicitly wet?  How about a “news report?”  A report could be anything, but news is always a report, right?  We can’t stop silly things from being said (especially on TV), but we can definitely be cautious of saying them ourselves!  So next time you’re about to say something twice, but with two different words so you sound smarter, try using a period, instead.  Your dignity will thank you.

By: S. Cole Garrett