Thursday 4/15

Weather man (or woman)

I checked the weather the other day and the chance of precipitation for the next day was ten percent.  I woke up and walked out the door and it was raining and there were clouds as far as the eye could see.  Ten percent, huh?  Looked more like a hundred and ten.  I drove to work while it rained.  I sit next to a window at work.  It rained all day.  I couldn’t help but wonder how great a weather anchor’s job is.  They get paid to guess!  I’ll bet for the vast majority of the rest of us, guessing all day would just get us fired.

I’m pretty sure it’s a little more complicated than that.  I’m also sure that there are computers and algorithms and patterns all used to speculate upcoming weather.  The truth is, we probably don’t need a person at all.  It seems like they’re wrong all the time anyway.  All they do is smile and tell you in rhymes that they’re eventually going to tell you the weather.  So who would sign up for that job?  It’s like someone applied at the news station for a clerical job and they said, “no, we don’t need any paper pushers, but we have a weather anchor opening!”

Here’s a clip from a mock interview for a weather anchor job:

Interviewer:      Do you lie well?

  Candidate:      Of course I do, heh heh, I have three kids.

Interviewer:      Um, ok.  Rate your personality on a scale of one to ten.

  Candidate:      Eleven!  Get it?  (awkward silence) because it’s off the charts?

Interviewer:      Please take this seriously, sir.

  Candidate:      Oh.  I’m sorry.  Well then, I’d say ten.

Interviewer:      Can you point at things that aren’t really there?

  Candidate:      Like what?

Interviewer:      Exactly. 

  Candidate:      Exactly what?

Interviewer:      Never mind.  Have you ever correctly predicted a weather event?

  Candidate:     Sure I have.

Interviewer:      Explain.

  Candidate:     One time, I called my mom, who lives an hour East of me and she said it was a raining cats and dogs.  I told my kids to come inside because it was about to rain cats and dogs.

Interviewer:      I see.  Well, congratulations, you’ll start Monday!

I suppose the plus side for the weather anchor is they get to be on TV.  If that’s enough

consolation for someone to get paid to stand in front of a blank screen and point at

imaginary images like a crazy person, then more power to them, but I’d rather watch and laugh at that shmuck than be that shmuck.

By: S. Cole Garrett