No Hands!

We've all seen the multitaskers on the road: talkers, texters, make-up-doers, etc.  Until recently, I thought I'd seen them all.  Then, I saw two new distractions I hadn't seen before.

A few weeks ago, I was driving along a 50mph or so street and for whatever reason, the lady in the car next to me caught my attention.  She was reading a book!  I sped up quickly to get out of her way.  What the heck makes you think you can read a book and drive with your wrists?  That must have been one great book!

Think about it for a second.  Let's say you had nothing distracting you while you were driving.  Would you steer your car with your wrists on the top of the wheel at 50mph?  I hope not.

And then, just a few days ago, I had the rare opportunity of my wife driving us somewhere.  So I got to see the normal trip to the mall in a whole new perspective.  Well, while enjoying the fresh, passenger view, Mandalyn spots a texter.  (We always point out how dumb it is for people to text while driving.)  So I look as we pass.  The lady that was texting was also talking on another phone!  First off, why do you have two phones?  Second, why would you use them both . . . on the highway!!!!  Talking and texting on the road.  It was definitely one of the more bizarre distracted drivers I've seen.  She better be texting the fire department and calling an ambulance, because she won't last long on the road like that.

So what about you?  We all see weirdos out there.  Got any to share?  Please do.  :)

Shop Class

Shop Class


It kind of looks like they gave the kid a sucker to distract him from the hack saw inches behind his head.

Do you think the kids who did this to him gave him a wedgie first?

Hold It!

Hold It!


This week is quickly turning into safety week.

Monday = don't eat food from modest restaurants.
Tuesday = cross your fingers that gravity doesn't suddenly get stronger.
Today =

First of all, it's funny that idiot #1 is waiting for the idiot #2 to come swinging down with a sledge hammer in the direction of his skull.  Upon closer inspection . . . look at where idiot #2 is standing.  :)

ALSO!!!

I have an award to dish out today and tomorrow!  Today, I'm about a week behind on this one:  

This is from Kara at Visions unto myself.  She has recently worked her way into my own reading stack.  So... thank for the award, and thank you for making me laugh.  Now, to follow suit, I will also divulge three secrets about myself and pass this on to three others:

1.  I have both Justin Timberlake CD's (as well as the "I'm Lovin' It" single from before he sold it to McDonald's) . . . and I know most of the words.  Before you go publicly denouncing me and un-following my blog, please understand that I don't really go out of my way to listen to them on my iPod, but I don't necessarily skip the songs when they come on during shuffle either.

2.  I like to cook.  I make brownies from scratch, as in eggs, flower, sugar, etc.  No box mix.  And I make a killer apple pie.  It's kind of a family recipe.  One of us (me or my brothers) has to do it.

3.  I want to be a teacher when I retire from my 30 or 40 years of corporate career-hood.  I want to teach Math or English or History.  Actually, it really doesn't matter what.

So here are the three lucky stylish recipients:

1.  Stephanie @ Seriously??...Reeeally?...Seriously?
2.  Tsaritsa @ The Tsaritsa Sez
3.  Kristin @ Diary of KFun

Irregardless

Irregardless


Irregardless is not a word.  Period.  I heard it THREE times yesterday.  I usually only hear it about three time per month.  I literally cringe every time I hear someone speak it.  (It's surprisingly easy to type it, though.  And to proofread it.)  If you use this word, you owe it to yourself to stop.

Here's the funny part.  When someone says "irregardless," the word they're actually looking for is "regardless."  You see, "regardless" is a synonym for "notwithstanding."  So saying "irregardless" would be like saying "notnotwithstanding."  (By the way, "notnotwithstanding" isn't a word, either.)

The worst part is when I hear it on TV, especially the news.  Newscasters are professional talkers and the only time I've ever heard them say "irregardless" is in one of their off-the-cuff moments.  In other words, the teleprompter doesn't read "irregardless," the anchors themselves actually think that the word can be found between "irrefutable" and "irregular" in the English dictionary.  (Go ahead.  Look.  It's not there.)

There is pretty much only one time that the word will actually make me laugh:

Do you know any adults with a very limited vocabulary?  Sure you do.  They say something like "defibulator" and you compliment them for saying a big word, even though it's actually "defibrillator."  Or they'll say "carburetor," but you know they couldn't spell it if you asked.  Then, that special someone will one day bust out the biggest, baddest word they know: Irregardless.  This is where you laugh to yourself because their greatest vernacular feat is undeniably and unwittingly false.

That probably makes me sound like a big jerk, but I promise, it's all in good spirits.  Irregardless is becoming more common, it seems, so I'm starting to get jaded to it.  Don't get me started on "hisself," though . . .

Not Funny

Not Funny

Are there any products you avoid buying because of something a company does or perhaps because of something they stand for?  Maybe you don’t buy Gap or Nike because of infamous child-labor-and/or-indentured-servent-esque­ lawsuits.  Perhaps you avoid Odwalla bottled drinks because once upon a time, a kid died from drinking it.  (I’ve got news for ya.  I’m fairly certain most foods kill at least one person some time or another.)  Well, I don’t have a personal list of A-list offenders, a “do not buy” list.  Some companies really make me think twice, though. 

Congratulations to Jack in the Box!  They’ve just recently scored some huge negative brownie points.  The first time I saw this commercial, I had to fully digest it before realizing just how appalling it is (no pun intended).  If you want to see the commercial, it was still up on the Jack in the Box website last Friday when I wrote this.  The beginning of the commercial is fine.  Jack is promoting his Pastrami sandwich by showing how much the focus group likes the new bread.  Then, he stumbles across a different focus group room in which two employees are hazing an intern by dunking him upside down in a vat of Strawberry Shake:

Really, Jack in the Box?  Really?  Hazing?  Hazing is absolutely not funny.  It never was and it never will be funny.  People have died in hazing incidents before (not at Jack in the Box, however, but still…).  I can’t believe this made it through to the airwaves. 

This commercial is in completely and utterly bad taste.  (Although that strawberry shake is looking pretty good right now…)

Coors' Blue Mountains

Coors’ Blue Mountains

One of my biggest pet peeves is when companies “dumb down” their products for the general public.  It’s insulting.  And it definitely doesn’t make me want to buy their products.  The example that has been on my mind for a while is the Cold-Activated bottles and cans from Coors. 

Let me just ask this question.  Before cold-activated bottles hit the shelves, how did you know when your Coors was cold?  You picked it up, right?  If it was cold to the touch, then it was cold.  Duh.  It’s pretty basic.  (If you don’t drink Coors, imagine any bottled beverage instead.  Like root beer.) 

Aren’t we all fairly experienced in beverage cooling matters, anyway?  I’m sure you know several ways to cool down a bottle of something and even further, you know about how long each method takes.  It’s like the honchos at Coors think a bunch of Neanterthals are running around, drinking their beer:

“Me like beer.  Blue beer cold.  Me drink Coors.  Ug like Coors.”

All I have to say is: come on, Coors.  We’re not that stupid.  (At lease, not all of us.)

No No

No No

Geography lesson:  Texas and Mexico share a border of something like 1,200 miles.

Movement lesson:  More people immigrate from Mexico to Texas than from Texas to Mexico.  (Legally or not.)

Linguistics lesson:  We don’t speak the same language!

What happens when two very different cultures start mixing together?  It’s not actually all that bad.  We can go down the street and pick up some amazing (and as far as we know, authentic) Mexican food.  We have Taco Trucks, which are basically like ice cream trucks, except they sell burritos.  Depending on how you look at it, those migrants add to our work force, too! 

This can be good for businesses, as well.  A diverse population is also a diverse market.  (I’m making my way to my point, here.)  And dealing with a multi-lingual market demands some special accommodations.  We have English and Spanish radio stations and billboards.  We have aisles at most grocery stores with many Mexican products and ingredients.  Unfortunately, cultural progression is not immune to ignorance.

I was paying for my groceries at CVS the other day and at some point after I swiped my debit card, I got the usual “Is this the amount you would like to put on your card?” prompt.  Here are your possible selections:

Do you really think that someone who speaks Spanish but not English couldn’t translate “No” without any help?  THEY’RE EVEN SPELLED AND PRONOUNCED EXACTLY THE SAME!  I don’t think it’s assuming too much to omit the second “No” on their credit/debit prompts.  No one is going to be left scratcing their heads without it.

For the record, I’m not really offended on any level.  I just think it’s funny how sometimes accommodation defies common sense.

Only Choice

Only Choice

For the last few nights, we've been watching the Lord of the Rings movies.  I watched them once when they first came out and never revisited them.  I never read the novels, so when the movies were released, I wasn't overly excited.  I saw them because I knew Lord of the Rings was a big deal and the films were sure to be Epic. And they certainly were.  (They also made a sensation out of director Peter Jackson.  Even though many scenes from the trilogy were visually stunning, the directing really wasn't anything special.)

Anyway, the part of the movie I'm about to refer to doesn't have to do with directing.  It actually concerns the screenplay.  Recall the scene in the Fellowship of the Ring (if you've seen it) where the fellowship is being formed.  The secret council is trying to decide how (or who) to dispose of the "one ring."  The camera zooms in on the lead elf, Elrond, and he declares emphatically:

"We have only one choice!"

(He's talking about how Frodo has to take the ring to Mount Doom.)

(Yes, that's the creepy agent guy from the Matrix.)

Now, I've posted about oxymorons before and they should never, EVER be ignorantly inserted into such a well-respected series like Lord of the Rings.  "One choice?"  Not really much of a choice, is it?  If there is only one option, then there is no choosing to do.  Duh.  I understand that whoever wrote that line was just trying to be dramatic, but it was poorly executed.

What Elrond should have said was, "We have no choice!"  It's just as dramatic yet grammatically inoffensive.

The rumor is that The Hobbit might soon become a film, made by the same folks.  (I actually did read that one.)  So . . . if anyone knows the decision makers over there, let 'em know you know a good screenplay writer (at least, a better one).  :)

Proofreading 101

Proofreading 101

Editing and proofreading isn’t always just about finding spelling errors in books and articles.  You have to check grammar, verb agreement, and verb tense consistency.  A document needs to stay true to the purpose behind writing it in the first place.  (This is why some people make a living doing it.  It’s harder than it sounds.)  Almost anything you could think of that has words should probably be proofread.  Fortunately for us, not everything is. 

Here’s something people don’t always think to review: Uniform Resource Locators.  (Uniform whaty-whats?)  URLs.  Website addresses.  (Like http://dryhumordaily.blogspot.com/).  We can even screw up something as simple as that.  Here, I’ve rounded up a few humorous examples of URL oversight.  All of these still work, by the way.  And they’re safe.

#1 www. whorepresents.com

-This is for that special someone on your Christmas list

#2 www.penisland.net  

-Probably not a good spot for a first date

#3 www.experts-exchange.com  (formerly www.expertsexchange.com)

-You don’t want just any guys off the street

#4 www.therapistfinder.com 

-Kind of like speed dating, except it’s a felony

#5 www.speedofart.com  

-It happens to the best of us

So if you’re thinking about writing something, have someone look it over.  (Especially URLs, which tend to mash words together.) A second set of eyes is always a good thing because what may sound good in your head may not come across the same to the rest of the world. 

Just Drive

Just Drive

Some people are very, very smart.  We have microsurgeries and smart phones.  We have the Hubble space telescope and 4G wireless networks.  Have you ever seen an Airbus A380??  It’s difficult to imagine that we humans can build such things!  To our extreme misfortune, we also have humans wandering around this planet which are on the complete opposite end of the intelligence spectrum: utter idiots.

Yep.  This article is about people doing stupid things, not smart things.  And if you’re trying to make a connection to the title of this article, I’ll just say it: this is about people doing stupid things while operating a vehicle.  That being said, what should we definitely not be doing while driving a car?  Here are just a few I could come up with:

Drinking alcohol – this is a no brainer.  If you can’t see straight, how could you possibly drive straight.  And oh yeah, it’s illegal.

Putting on makeup – especially around the eyes.  Especially, especially with the sun visor’s vanity mirror in your face blocking your view of the road.  Here’s an idea: wake up earlier!

Picking your nose – not illegal, but dangerous on bumpy roads

Texting – because Oprah says so . . .

Eating a burrito – it’s an accident waiting to happen, whether it be your car or your clean, white shirt

There are plenty of other examples, and as a matter of fact, I thought I had seen them all.  Then, there was the other day. . .  I pulled up to a stop light on a major street and just happened to glance over at the driver in the small, blue car next to me.  The lady was reading a book!  Not a magazine or a pamphlet.  A freaking novel!  And she was half-way through it!  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just whipped it out for that stop light.  But no!  After the light turned green, she just kept on reading while driving.  It must have been one life-altering book! 

I just have to say, how ignorant can you be?!

She might as well have been drinking, texting, putting on makeup, picking her nose, and eating a burrito!  To all of you page turners/drivers out there . . .  Stop It!  Just drive.

Monday 8/16

Lack of Information


This guy must have missed the memo...

Monday 8/2

Smart


I guess the name Smart Car doesn't necessarily imply anything about the owner.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 7/26

Delete

I’ve noticed a very direct relationship between the length of time you have an email account and the amount of junk you receive.  The longer you have it, the more junk you get.  If you have a new email, it’s time to grab a mojito and sit out on the porch because you don’t have to waste that time cleaning out your email.  (Consider yourself lucky (or smart) if you don’t have this problem.) 

Granted, gmail tends to filter out most of the spam, but I still have to go through and delete the rest.  The problem is, it doesn’t really get … well … deleted.  It goes to a magic place: a folder called “Trash”.  Then, just like in real life, you have to empty the trash.  I laugh every time I see this button:

Delete Forever?  What’s the point?  Why not just delete it in the first place?

I suppose the “trash” system was designed to “dummy-proof” email.  Too many users were accidentally hitting delete on important emails, which inevitably led to uncontrollable wallowing in self pity and self-denial.  Terrible things happen when emails accidentally get deleted.  Jobs are lost…  Wars are started…  Justin Beiber becomes a superstar…  (At least, that’s how I understand it.) 

But what does that say about us, that the simple functions in our lives like email have to be dummy-proofed?  Are we all dummies?  I’d like to think not. 

(On the other hand, you can still buy Velcro shoes.)

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/22

Filler

When listening to pop radio, it doesn’t take long to realize that all the songs are the same.  Actually, there are about seven or eight varieties, but almost every song is one of those varieties.  There are only so many ways you can bend a melody or mix up a beat to try and change it up.  (Nowadays, you don’t even have to be a good singer.  You can just make your voice electronic and sing virtually anything!)  Basically, the one thing you definitely do have to change is the words.  But what if you have song-writer’s block?  Don’t worry.  There’s still hope:  Fillers.

Great and not-so-great songwriters alike all do this.  The cheesy filler.  Here’s an example I made up.  (Chances are, someone has already written this, but hey!  That’s the music business.)

            “I need a clue.

What am I to do?

            I’m falling in love with you…

            Toniiiiiiiiiiight.”

Did you catch that?  “Clue” rhymes with “do”, okay.  Good.  “Do” rhymes with “you.”  Typical.  But wait!  Tonight?  That doesn’t rhyme with anything!  It’s like I still had some music left in the phrase, but I ran out of words.  I didn’t know how to finish.  So, I used one of the worst fillers ever: tonight.  (And even worse, I stretched it out.  It seems like whenever you hear “tonight” at the end of a phrase, it’s always “toniiiiiiiiiiight”.)  Need proof?  Just google how many song lyrics have “tonight” in them.  It’s completely overused. 

There is a pristine example on the radio currently.  Have you heard Hey, Soul Sister, by Train?  (Google that one, too, if you need to.  Or youtube, whatever.)  Not only does the song not make a whole lot of sense, Pat Monahan kills it with….. toniiiiiiiiiiight at the end of the chorus. 

There are other bad fillers, too, like “sometimes” and “again”, but none as noticeable and as widespread as “tonight.”  My advice is if you want to enjoy listening to the radio, don’t listen too closely, you might lose a few brain cells in the process.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 7/15

Labels!


I decided to start adding labels to all of my posts.  If you look right underneath each one, you'll see a couple of words, separated by commas.  You can click on them and it will bring up all of the posts with the same label.  Pretty neat, huh?  (I thought so.  But then again, I think a lot of geeky things are kind of cool.)  Anyway, I went back and added labels to all prior posts.  So check it out.  I added some of the most popular labels to this post so you could try it.

Enjoy!

Wednesday 7/14

Mile Marker

If you’ve been reading for a while, you may know that government is always a great source of humor.  Endless, too, I might add.  You don’t even have to look that hard.  As a matter of fact, I noticed a shining example about every 5,280 feet on my drive home from Houston last weekend. 

For about 20 miles, going north on I-35W, I noticed something peculiar.  There were TWO mile markers every mile.  I looked something like this:

(This isn’t actually Texas, by the way, I fudged this picture.  But it’s pretty much exactly what I saw, minus the trees.  I tried to whip out my camera and snap a picture, but I was driving alone and by the time I thought I might just pull over to take a picture, the double markers had stopped.) 

First of all, what the heck?  Mile markers don’t really wear out and need replacing.  The ones I saw were perfectly fine.  Second, why didn’t they take down the old ones?  In some cases, they just bolted one mile marker on the same pole, below the other.  Other ones had their own poles, posted right next the existing one, literally inches away.  Third, who paid for this?  YOU DID!  Ha!  Instead of fixing that ridiculous pothole or cover that profane graffiti or buy some books for a school in need, your tax dollars made superfluous mile markers in the middle of nowhere. 

I wouldn’t recommend writing a letter to your representative or anything.  They know what’s best.  Remember, “Don’t Mess With Texas!”

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 7/6

Baby Lift


Some things are just instinct...

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 7/6

Not Sure

This question appears when you apply online for a job at a particular nation-wide chain of craft stores.

I just wanna know. . .

WHO CLICKS “I’M NOT SURE”??

The questionnaire should just say “No” 

Or “Click here if you don’t want to get hired”

You would have to be completely unconfident and completely stupid to select “I’m not sure.”  And if someone were going to answer “Fairly Confident,” then why not just go all out and choose “Very confident”? 

This question was designed and included in this application either to weed out certain applicants or as a practical joke.  I’m going to give unnamed-national-craft-store-chain the benefit of the doubt and say practical joke.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Wednesday 6/2

Fad Water

Most fads are easy to spot.  Things like big hair from the 80s and more recently, crocks shoes, are disappointingly popular.  In retrospect, no one can figure out why.  Some fads, however, are harder to recognize than others, especially when we’re right in the middle of them.  Here’s a good one:

Vitamin-enriched water.  It’s not just the Vitamin Water brand, either.  Sobe has one, too.  Propel is another one.  You may or may not have heard of Vitamin Water’s most direct competition: V Water.  (V meaning ‘Vitamin’).

It’s kind of a weird thing to be sweeping the nation.  Water.  It makes sense, though.  Americans are always looking for the easy way out.  Who needs wholesome fruits and vegetables and whole grain breads when we have enriched water?  Just guzzle a couple of these bad boys every day and you can skip straight to the burgers and fries because you’ve already had your vitamin intake for the day, right?  Sure, just run that by your doctor. 

The problem is that a lot of people think that.  Vitamin-enriched waters are usually zero calories.  And since those precious calories no longer need to be wasted on salad and veggie subs, there’s more room for Snickers and cheese balls.  Yum. 

If you haven’t noticed this fad yet, take a look at the grocery store, next time you go.  The enriched water section is almost as big as the regular bottled water section.  Buy it, try it, then turn that page of history so we can move on to the next big thing.  Maybe erasable pens will make a comeback.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 6/1

Experts

I know you’re probably sick of hearing about the oil spill, but hey, it’s kind of close to home.  So I thought I’d take a stab at it.  First off, oil spills are not funny.  Second, the subsequent destruction of wildlife and natural habitats isn’t funny either.  However, the reporters who get stuck covering the story who don’t know the first thing about a disaster like this are funny. 

Here’s a picture of what the oil spill looked like on the news just after an attempt was made to patch it:

The reporter on the local news said:

“Experts say that what’s still leaking is either oil, mud, or a mixture of both.”

Oh really?  Well I’m an expert, too, then.  I’m pretty sure it’s not kool-aid spewing out of there!  I realize that the reporter was probably just reading from a teleprompter, but I’m not sure he even realized how goofy it sounded.  If he did, then he sure can keep a straight face!  Either way, he shouldn’t quit his day job.

Take the reporter out of the equation for a second.  Some writer still wrote that and some editor still missed it.  And did an expert really say that?  Are there really experts on this?  Anyway, I’m sure the news stations have tough jobs and they can’t get everything right, but come on!  Let’s leave those mistakes to the weather man.

By: S. Cole Garrett