Tow Truck

I know these trucks are for towing your car . . .

. . . but I've always kind of thought they look like they're for crucifying your car.

(I can't help but sing "Always  Look on the Bright Side of Life" in my head when I see them.)

Mean Hubs

I thought only the Batmobile had those . . .

Actually, my favorite part of the picture (and the reason I decided to take it) was the handicap placard seen in the window.  Classic...

No Hands!

We've all seen the multitaskers on the road: talkers, texters, make-up-doers, etc.  Until recently, I thought I'd seen them all.  Then, I saw two new distractions I hadn't seen before.

A few weeks ago, I was driving along a 50mph or so street and for whatever reason, the lady in the car next to me caught my attention.  She was reading a book!  I sped up quickly to get out of her way.  What the heck makes you think you can read a book and drive with your wrists?  That must have been one great book!

Think about it for a second.  Let's say you had nothing distracting you while you were driving.  Would you steer your car with your wrists on the top of the wheel at 50mph?  I hope not.

And then, just a few days ago, I had the rare opportunity of my wife driving us somewhere.  So I got to see the normal trip to the mall in a whole new perspective.  Well, while enjoying the fresh, passenger view, Mandalyn spots a texter.  (We always point out how dumb it is for people to text while driving.)  So I look as we pass.  The lady that was texting was also talking on another phone!  First off, why do you have two phones?  Second, why would you use them both . . . on the highway!!!!  Talking and texting on the road.  It was definitely one of the more bizarre distracted drivers I've seen.  She better be texting the fire department and calling an ambulance, because she won't last long on the road like that.

So what about you?  We all see weirdos out there.  Got any to share?  Please do.  :)

Free Candy

It had to be windowless, too . . .

No Ropes

No Ropes


No ropes?  No problem.

It's no wonder women live longer than men.

Sneaky

Sneaky


I'm a little short on time, today, so I'm leaving you with one of my "use-when-I-don't-have-enough-time-to-write-a-full-post" posts.

Signs are some of my favorite funnies:

Tee hee!

Horse Power

Horse Power


How many horse power do you think that thing gets?

...or should I say, cow power?

My Car Did

My Car Did


I'm a commercial geek.  I watch 'em. . . and I generally enjoy them.  I'm extremely judgmental about them, too.  I tend to be vocal about good advertising versus bad advertising.   (Like the recent Burger King breakfast commercials: stuuuuuuuupid.  Flute solo?  Really?)  Anyway, car commercials are almost always ranked among the worst.  Why?  Because they've all been done.  (Actually, Ford F-150 has had some very good ones over the last couple of years.)

There are only so many angles you can film a car doing donuts in the desert or zooming down unrealistically unoccupied city streets.  When that stops working, companies try to cram customer testimonials into their ads, when is never convincing.  Well, Mercedes Benz went the testimonial route.  The customers were very honest, but, well, see for yourself:



So let me get this straight, if you want to guiltlessly take your eyes off the road whenever you'd like, fall asleep at the wheel, and drive for more continuous hours than legally allowed by a semi-truck driver . . . then you should buy a Mercedes E-Class.  Right?  Did anyone else get that from that commercial?  You buy the Benz, you can be a lazy driver.  Cool.  How much is this going to cost?

Oh...

Guess I'll have to drive lazy in my regular car.

Juke

Juke

I have to start this out by saying that out of all of my blog posts to date, only about two or three ideas weren’t originally my own observation.  My lovely fiancé pointed those out to me.  Well, without knowing (and not having asked) if she would want to be specifically mentioned on Dry Humor Daily, I have simply beaten around the bush in those instances, carefully avoiding pointing out the inspiration as my own.  Anyway, she brought it to my attention last week and so now, whenever she inspires me, I promise to diligently deliver her due drollery distinction.  Thanks, baby!  (I know for a fact she gave me the ideas for both On the Bubble and Wet Roads.  I don't recall which others, if any.)

So we were watching something on TV, I don’t remember what, and a commercial played for a new car from Nissan.  It is . . . for lack of a better word . . . unattractive.  I understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but, my eyes are telling me “ugly.”  Mandalyn (that’s her name, by the way) clearly felt the same way.

The commercial goes on and on telling you all about the new car, but doesn’t mention the name until the very end, “the all-new, Nissan Juke!” 

Mandalyn turned to me and said, “so is it a joke or a puke?  I can’t tell!  That thing is ugly!”

I said, “I couldn’t agree more!”  (Yes, we speak in exclamation.)  It was true.  I conjured up the same exact question in my head.  Not only is “Juke” a stupid name for a car, it’s ugly.  If you’re going to make an ugly car, don’t give it an ugly name.  And don’t try to make it look cool.  It’s not going to work.  The headlights look like they are smeared on the hood, the front of the Juke is way bigger than the back, and the doors open like a side by side refrigerator/freezer. 

Sorry, Nissan.  I think you missed the mark on this one. (What’s that, Nissan?  You wanted to capture the essence of a once-emo-but-now-college-graduate-wanting-to-personify-long-contained-but-never-outwardly-expressed-feelings-of-parental-rebellion-and-false-sense-of-longing-for-individuality-in-the-form-of-blending-twenty-first-century-artistic-flair-with-a-bit-of-foreign-vehicular-prowess-which-can-seat-four?  Oh. . .  Then, nice work.)

Impossible Savings

Impossible Savings

You’ve seen all of the commercials . . .

Let me see if I understand correctly.  If I take my current annual premium for auto insurance, $1,380, then knock of 15% by switching to GEICO, I’ll only pay $1,173 per year. 

Then I switch to All State and save another $348.  Now I’m at $825.  So if I switch to AAA, then to Progressive, and finally to State Farm, then I’ll be paying negative $564*!  So does that mean they’re paying me to drive my car around? 

What are we all waiting for!?  Get to switchin’!

Monday 8/2

Smart


I guess the name Smart Car doesn't necessarily imply anything about the owner.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 5/6

Nice Wheels

Variety is the spice of life, right?  Normally, I would completely agree, but today’s post makes two in a row on a subject involving motor vehicles.  Car buffs, wipe that drool from your lip.  Everyone else, sit tight.  (I was gonna say ‘buckle up,’ but I changed my mind.)  Not to worry, I’m not scraping the bottom of the barrel for articles, I just draw inspiration from every day life.  (And what can I say, I drive every day.)  So let me begin with this:

“What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

I know what you might be thinking.  What does Shakespeare have to do with cars?  Well, not much.  I think Juliet just has a nice way with words.  Well, mash ‘em together and you get, “What’s in a car’s name?”  Ok, now we’re talking.  So…

How does a car company sell one of its own?  Well, style would be nice.  Comfort.  Reliability.  Speed, for some.  Cup holders.  You know, the standards.  How about a good name, like Corvette!  Or Lamborghini Diablo!  A good name definitely stands the test of time.  The opposite is true, as well.  One sure fire way to kill a product is to slap a terrible name on it.  I saw this winner driving down the road recently.  Behold!  The Ford Probe!

Go ahead.  Get all the probe jokes out of your system.  I’ll wait.

This car was doomed from the start!  The salesmen at all of the Ford dealerships at the time had to introduce, tongue-in-cheek, their new lines of Probes to their unwitting buyers.  And to top it off, you can buy it in Refrigerator White!  You know, someone with lots of money in a huge corner office with an exotic wood desk and a plush leather chair had to sign the dotted line commissioning the Ford Probe into production.  DID HE (or maybe she) MISS THE PART WHERE IT SAID THE CAR WAS TO BE NAMED ‘PROBE’?  The reason we have history books is so that we don’t repeat our greatest mistakes.  And there are plenty to learn from, too!  Subaru’s BRAT: Failure!  AMC’s Gremlin: Flop (and ugly, to boot)!  Renault’s LeCar: Tell me something I don’t know. 

If there’s anything you can take from this, it’s this advice.  Don’t buy a car named after a medical instrument.  Especially one that goes there.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday

Effort-less

In case you haven’t noticed, technology changes very rapidly!  I know, it’s a shocker.  You can buy a brand new computer and its technology is old news in less than a year!  Everything from cars to cell phones becomes obsolete obscenely fast.  Our society is becoming increasingly advanced, but there’s a less-than-subtle side effect.  Our society is becoming increasingly, well . . . incompetent. 

Take phone numbers, for example.  I can still remember many of the phone numbers I had to actually dial before I first got a cell phone.  I remember the phone numbers of my best childhood friends and of the house I lived in until I was twelve.  Can you?  Now, I don’t even know my work phone number.  It may seem miniscule, but how many things do you really have to remember nowadays as compared to fifteen years ago?  Hardly any!  Something in our lives does it for us.  Your brain is suffering from a lack of exercise.  Pretty soon its going to get brain-abetes. 

A more recent trend in rendering basic motor skills obsolete is the keyless movement.  Many things are going keyless now.  Vehicle entry was revolutionized by the remote keyless entry device for your key ring.  Most people call it a fob (even though fob can be just about anything on your keychain).  Fob users no longer have to physically unlock their car doors with the key itself.  What’s the main benefit?  You save about 4 seconds in opening your door, we’ll say 8 if you have to reach in and push the power unlock for any passengers.  Doesn’t seem like much, but time is money, right? 

Think about how much you earn per hour.  Now divide that by 3600.  The result is how much you earn per second.  You’re doing pretty well for yourself if it’s over a penny.  Do the math.  I’ll be honest.  I have a remote for my car, and I use it, but I wouldn’t be terribly upset if it didn’t exist.  But it gets better!

Some vehicles have a device on the fob which allows the user to just be close enough and the car unlocks itself automatically.  I’m talking to the guys, here.  I know it’s cool, but is that much of an inconvenience to reach into your pocket?  I mean your pocket is already at hand-level.  All you really have to do is move your wrist to take out your keys . . . and use them. 

It’s an uphill battle to fight off cool, though, even if it results in convenience (or laziness).  It used to be skillful to parallel park, now it can be bought.  It used to be skillful to do a lot of things which have since been automated.  Maybe someday, I can just think and my computer does whatever I want and types articles straight from my atrophying brain.  Now there’s an idea . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett