Just Drive

Just Drive

Some people are very, very smart.  We have microsurgeries and smart phones.  We have the Hubble space telescope and 4G wireless networks.  Have you ever seen an Airbus A380??  It’s difficult to imagine that we humans can build such things!  To our extreme misfortune, we also have humans wandering around this planet which are on the complete opposite end of the intelligence spectrum: utter idiots.

Yep.  This article is about people doing stupid things, not smart things.  And if you’re trying to make a connection to the title of this article, I’ll just say it: this is about people doing stupid things while operating a vehicle.  That being said, what should we definitely not be doing while driving a car?  Here are just a few I could come up with:

Drinking alcohol – this is a no brainer.  If you can’t see straight, how could you possibly drive straight.  And oh yeah, it’s illegal.

Putting on makeup – especially around the eyes.  Especially, especially with the sun visor’s vanity mirror in your face blocking your view of the road.  Here’s an idea: wake up earlier!

Picking your nose – not illegal, but dangerous on bumpy roads

Texting – because Oprah says so . . .

Eating a burrito – it’s an accident waiting to happen, whether it be your car or your clean, white shirt

There are plenty of other examples, and as a matter of fact, I thought I had seen them all.  Then, there was the other day. . .  I pulled up to a stop light on a major street and just happened to glance over at the driver in the small, blue car next to me.  The lady was reading a book!  Not a magazine or a pamphlet.  A freaking novel!  And she was half-way through it!  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just whipped it out for that stop light.  But no!  After the light turned green, she just kept on reading while driving.  It must have been one life-altering book! 

I just have to say, how ignorant can you be?!

She might as well have been drinking, texting, putting on makeup, picking her nose, and eating a burrito!  To all of you page turners/drivers out there . . .  Stop It!  Just drive.

Shredder Safety 101

Shredder Safety 101


Just checking if I'm reading the warnings on this paper shredder correctly,

#1 No babies.
#2 No left hands.

Sounds risky...

Tuesday 8/17

Out of Commission


I had a root canal, this morning, so I'm not in much of a writing mood.  I did see a funny warning while I was there.  A sign next to the x-ray machine read:

Please let us know if you are pregnant or could possibly be pregnant.  Thank you.

I understand why they put this sign up.  Women would definitely want x-ray technicians to be extra careful so as not to zap all of their eggs on accident.  Buy my question is:  Shouldn't x-ray technicians just be careful not to zap ovaries anyway?  All the time?  Not just when women are explicitly expecting.

And one more thing.  What dentist is taking pictures down there?

Wednesday 7/21

Masters of Logistics 2


Well, sure, that gets rid of one blind spot, but . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 5/27

Lock Down

There is a reason they invented these:

... to prevent this:

Thursday 5/13

Hey everyone.  I've been sick yesterday and today, so I didn't have an opportunity to write.  Here's something funny I found anyway.

Thanks for the warning.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Monday 3/29

Yellow

To go, or not to go?  Isn’t that the split-second decision at almost every yellow traffic light?  Not many people like being forced to make decisions, especially quick ones, but it happens to people every day!  You approach an intersection and the traffic signal turns yellow.  You really only have tow choices: stop or coast through (speed through, for some of us).  Seems pretty basic, right?  There is something peculiar about yellow lights, however.  Intuitively, the more driving experience one has, the easier the decision should be to make.  It’s actually quite the opposite.

It seems like no matter how long you’ve been driving, a yellow light still has the potential to make you slam on your brakes of gun it through the intersection in frustration (or victory, depending on the person).  There are several factors that need to be adequately judged when confronted with the yellow signal.  Beginner drivers only know two things to think about: speed and distance remaining.  With practice, judging when you should go and when you should stop becomes easier.  There are times to “definitely go” and times to “definitely stop.”  But there are points where you would “probably go” and “probably stop.”  There’s also “not-sure-if-I-should-go-or-stop.”  The closer the two decisions get, the blurrier the decision.

Other variables muck up your decision-making process, though, and they stack up fast!  For example, are you towing anything?  Do you have kids in the car?  Are you familiar with how long the yellow light is (because let’s face it, some are annoyingly much longer than others)?  Is there a camera at the intersection?  Do you feel lucky?  Well, do ya?  All of these factors make the decision much more complicated.  A camera-monitored intersection (that is, if you know which ones are) probably sways more of your decisions to ‘stop.’  Same thing with toting kids or if you know it’s a short light.  If you’re towing a trailer, you might be more inclined to go.  Well, what if you’re towing a trailer and you have a car-full of kiddos and the intersection has a quick yellow and it’s monitored . . . and it turns yellow on you?  See?  Your brain thinks about this every time.

(The worst is when you’ve made up your mind and it happens to be on the riskier side of ‘go’ and all of a sudden you spot a police officer.  You can either freak out and slam on the brakes and get his attention or speed through and hope you don’t get his attention.)

Yellow lights essentially invoke you to make a bunch of decisions all at the same time.  Beginners don’t know to think about as many and so as it turns out, it’s a little easier.  Experienced drivers, on the other hand, have tons of yellows under their belt, but their brain goes through a lot more steps to get a decision.

You’re still going to get caught off guard sometimes by yellow.  It’s in their nature.  You can even have a bunch of general rules-of-thumb for every factor.  The problem is: you run out of thumbs pretty quickly!

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday

Anywhere?

Where did all the phosphorus sesquisulfide go?  By phosphorus sesquisulfide, I mean strike anywhere matches.  I haven’t seen them in years and in most states, they’re illegal to sell.  That’s because they have been deemed as “dangerous goods” by the government.  Well, leave it to them to nanny us out of some of the most convenient innovations in our lifetimes.  Oh, strike anywhere matches, how I miss thee!

The convenience of strike anywhere matches is in the name.  They could be lit with enough friction on just about everything.  Here’s a list of some of the most creative ways my friends, brothers, and I figured out how to light them in our youth:

-         On zippers, front teeth, other strike anywhere matches, a finger nail, toys, sidewalks, shoes, watches, the edges of school books, bricks, trees, bicycle tires, the telephone (cell phones weren’t widely-owned yet), cereal boxes, bowling balls, forks, stale bread, the metal on a pencil, computer speakers, and (are you sitting down for this one?) even ice cubes. 

Were we pyromaniacs?  I don’t think so.  I’d rather our creative, inclination to ignite be called something along the lines of . . . how should we say . . . thinking outside the box.  In retrospect, I can’t say we were smart about everything we did with strike anywhere matches. 

We had a particularly entertaining game we played called “burn the forest.”  Sounds safe, right?  Anyway, it goes like this.  Two players each gather a pile of dead leaves and put it in front of them.  They set up facing each other about ten to twenty feet apart from each other (depending on how skilled they are).  Each player has their own regular-sized, 250-count box of strike anywhere matches.   The concept is simple: burn the other player’s pile of leaves first.  To do this, the match box (or anything rough, for that matter) is turned on its side so that the striking side is face up.  A match is stood up vertically with one finger holding it and with the head of the match to the box.  With the other hand, the player takes aim at the opposing “forest” and flicks the match at the base.  The friction lights the match and it fully ignites by the time it reaches the other player’s leaves.  The players take turns until one pile burns down. 

There are plenty of other irresponsible ways we found to waste perfectly good strike anywhere matches.  If something was flammable, knew about it.  Camping with open flame might as well have been called camping with open fun.  In all seriousness, however, I don’t condone playing with fire. . . unless maybe it’s controlled . . . and supervised . . . and involves strike anywhere matches.

By: S. Cole Garrett

3/17/10