Thursday 6/3

Clobberin’ Time!

I have a confession: 

When I’m driving down the street, I like to hit stray trash with my car. 

Yep.  There’s some sort of instinctual rush from clobbering coke cans and smashing slurpie cups!  Then after a direct hit, you can look into the rearview and say to yourself, “yeah, I showed that can a thing or two” as it ferociously tumbles away.  Well, as you probably know, there are plenty of worthy targets blowing around our streets, but there are definitely some no-no’s as well.  Here’s a brief list:

Cans:  Anything you smash on your head in times of debauchery is a candidate for a highway run-down.  Cans are meant to be flattened.  So when you obliterate one with your car, think of yourself as doing a favor for the recycling plant it might someday end up at. 

Styrofoam:  Cups or coolers, it doesn’t matter.  Styrofoam practically explodes when pounded at 70 mph!  I agree that smashing one big piece of garbage that doesn’t biodegrade into a million tiny pieces of garbage that don’t biodegrade is probably not good for the environment.  It’s ok, though, our tax dollars will come around and pick all those pieces up eventually.

Bottles:  20oz bottles are the best!  They practically roll right under your wheels!  They want to be demolished.  Well, I say, do it.  Race on over the next one that crosses you and POW!!!  KABLOOEY!!!  If you’re lucky, you’ll hit it with both wheels.  Then you can watch it soooooar into the median or off to the side of the road.  The only unfortunate thing about bottles is that there aren’t enough of them rolling around out there to hit.

Here is another brief list of things to definitely avoid:

People, live animals, dead animals, boards with protruding nails (or screws), dolls (because that’s just sad), glass bottles, diapers, plastic grocery bags, ladders, and full garbage bags.

To the best of my knowledge, you can’t get a ticket for removing objects from the freeway.  So until then, make driving fun.  Hit stuff!

By: S. Cole Garrett 

Wednesday 6/2

Fad Water

Most fads are easy to spot.  Things like big hair from the 80s and more recently, crocks shoes, are disappointingly popular.  In retrospect, no one can figure out why.  Some fads, however, are harder to recognize than others, especially when we’re right in the middle of them.  Here’s a good one:

Vitamin-enriched water.  It’s not just the Vitamin Water brand, either.  Sobe has one, too.  Propel is another one.  You may or may not have heard of Vitamin Water’s most direct competition: V Water.  (V meaning ‘Vitamin’).

It’s kind of a weird thing to be sweeping the nation.  Water.  It makes sense, though.  Americans are always looking for the easy way out.  Who needs wholesome fruits and vegetables and whole grain breads when we have enriched water?  Just guzzle a couple of these bad boys every day and you can skip straight to the burgers and fries because you’ve already had your vitamin intake for the day, right?  Sure, just run that by your doctor. 

The problem is that a lot of people think that.  Vitamin-enriched waters are usually zero calories.  And since those precious calories no longer need to be wasted on salad and veggie subs, there’s more room for Snickers and cheese balls.  Yum. 

If you haven’t noticed this fad yet, take a look at the grocery store, next time you go.  The enriched water section is almost as big as the regular bottled water section.  Buy it, try it, then turn that page of history so we can move on to the next big thing.  Maybe erasable pens will make a comeback.

By: S. Cole Garrett

Tuesday 6/1

Experts

I know you’re probably sick of hearing about the oil spill, but hey, it’s kind of close to home.  So I thought I’d take a stab at it.  First off, oil spills are not funny.  Second, the subsequent destruction of wildlife and natural habitats isn’t funny either.  However, the reporters who get stuck covering the story who don’t know the first thing about a disaster like this are funny. 

Here’s a picture of what the oil spill looked like on the news just after an attempt was made to patch it:

The reporter on the local news said:

“Experts say that what’s still leaking is either oil, mud, or a mixture of both.”

Oh really?  Well I’m an expert, too, then.  I’m pretty sure it’s not kool-aid spewing out of there!  I realize that the reporter was probably just reading from a teleprompter, but I’m not sure he even realized how goofy it sounded.  If he did, then he sure can keep a straight face!  Either way, he shouldn’t quit his day job.

Take the reporter out of the equation for a second.  Some writer still wrote that and some editor still missed it.  And did an expert really say that?  Are there really experts on this?  Anyway, I’m sure the news stations have tough jobs and they can’t get everything right, but come on!  Let’s leave those mistakes to the weather man.

By: S. Cole Garrett