Monday 5/10

History

Take a look at this for a second.

Figure it out?  If yes, continue reading.  If not, think just a little bit more.  Take your time. . . . Ok, let’s move on.

I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw this version introduced into the ranks of themed Monopoly boards.  Why, exactly?  Is it because umpires tend to maintain an uncomfortably close distance between them and the catcher?  Nope.  Is it because there’s a picture of a hot dog positioned in the upper left-hand corner, making it look like the umpire is thinking more about lunch than making calls?  No.  It’s because Major League Baseball is a monopoly.  This is essentially a game about trying to gain a monopoly over an organization that is, well, already a monopoly.  Why don’t they just call this one “History”?   

(In another twist of irony, Monopoly was originally owned by three brothers, George, Charles, and Edward (the Parker brothers).  Parker Brothers was eventually bought by General Mills, then Tonka, and ultimately Hasbro. The Monopoly patent brand is now owned by one company, kind of like a monopoly, using the right semantics.) 

So Major League Baseball escapes anti-trust laws in both the real world and in make-believe, board game world.  That’s convenient.  Well, I guess it won’t be long before we see Farm-opoly or Labor Union-opoly.  Oh wait, there is a Farm-opoly.  Figures . . .

By: S. Cole Garrett

Friday 5/7

iCouldCareLess

We’re quickly becoming an iWorld.  iYep.  You name it, there might just be an iSubstitute for it.  iTV.  iBook.  iHome.  iKitchen Sink.  iArtificial Leg.  iEye.  iBreakfast Cereal.  (i . . . think I made some of those up.)  It’s exhausting, for me at least, to see the most obscure off-brands come up with something iPod compatible.  Thanks iCarta, for the iPod dock/toilet paper holder (yes, that’s real!)  I personally feel like the Apple brand gets relentlessly cheapened by the onslaught of iPod docks, clocks, and . . . I don’t know, rocks, that keep hitting the shelf.  If you can stick an iPod on it, you can sell it!  Where do we draw the line?

Well, I think this one takes the cake:

Crap!  A perfectly-formed, not-so-steamy pile of, you guessed it, crap!  I only wish this was real.  (You know, Billy Mays could probably sell this if he were still alive.)   

Even though this is a joke, it does, in fact represent a lot of what is being sold out there under the i-name.  Crap.  Case in point, I bought some cool, triangular iPod speakers some time ago and all they did was suck dry some perfectly good batteries and get blown out at half-volume. 

Do yourself a favor.  If you have an iPod, and you’re considering buying a fancy gadget to go with it, don’t do it.  It’ll just fuel the iPhenomenon.  Besides, don’t iPods come with speakers?

By: S. Cole Garrett

Thursday 5/6

Nice Wheels

Variety is the spice of life, right?  Normally, I would completely agree, but today’s post makes two in a row on a subject involving motor vehicles.  Car buffs, wipe that drool from your lip.  Everyone else, sit tight.  (I was gonna say ‘buckle up,’ but I changed my mind.)  Not to worry, I’m not scraping the bottom of the barrel for articles, I just draw inspiration from every day life.  (And what can I say, I drive every day.)  So let me begin with this:

“What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

I know what you might be thinking.  What does Shakespeare have to do with cars?  Well, not much.  I think Juliet just has a nice way with words.  Well, mash ‘em together and you get, “What’s in a car’s name?”  Ok, now we’re talking.  So…

How does a car company sell one of its own?  Well, style would be nice.  Comfort.  Reliability.  Speed, for some.  Cup holders.  You know, the standards.  How about a good name, like Corvette!  Or Lamborghini Diablo!  A good name definitely stands the test of time.  The opposite is true, as well.  One sure fire way to kill a product is to slap a terrible name on it.  I saw this winner driving down the road recently.  Behold!  The Ford Probe!

Go ahead.  Get all the probe jokes out of your system.  I’ll wait.

This car was doomed from the start!  The salesmen at all of the Ford dealerships at the time had to introduce, tongue-in-cheek, their new lines of Probes to their unwitting buyers.  And to top it off, you can buy it in Refrigerator White!  You know, someone with lots of money in a huge corner office with an exotic wood desk and a plush leather chair had to sign the dotted line commissioning the Ford Probe into production.  DID HE (or maybe she) MISS THE PART WHERE IT SAID THE CAR WAS TO BE NAMED ‘PROBE’?  The reason we have history books is so that we don’t repeat our greatest mistakes.  And there are plenty to learn from, too!  Subaru’s BRAT: Failure!  AMC’s Gremlin: Flop (and ugly, to boot)!  Renault’s LeCar: Tell me something I don’t know. 

If there’s anything you can take from this, it’s this advice.  Don’t buy a car named after a medical instrument.  Especially one that goes there.

By: S. Cole Garrett